(My best friend and I spend almost all our time together for more than a year, but nothing romantic is going on (yet). I am male; she is female.)

Me: *talking to my mom on the phone* “Yeah, my friends joke that she’s my girlfriend. And about half the church seems to be under the impression that we’re married, even though we don’t hug or kiss or hold hands or anything like that.”

Mom: “That’s probably why they think you’re married!”

(I live with my aunt and grandparents my first year in college and they have recently gotten a new phone number, so we got the occasional call looking for the previous owner. We don’t have caller ID.)

Caller: “Hey, mija, how are you? This is your uncle, [Uncle].”

Me: “Hey, Tio! I’m doing good. Just studying.”

‘Uncle’: “That’s good, mija. We’re proud of you. How are your parents?”

(The rest of the call continues like this. We chat for about five minutes until he says something that strikes me as a little odd.)

Me: “Wait, I don’t think I am who you think I am. Are you looking for [numbers previous owner]?”

‘Uncle’: *confused* “Yes. Who are you?”

Me: “I’m [My Name], and we got this number a few weeks ago.”

‘Uncle’: “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

Me: *embarrassed* “Because I have an uncle [Uncle], too, and you sound just like him!”

(When I told my aunt the story, she laughed like it was the funniest thing ever. My real uncle came over a few days later and he laughed twice as hard as she did!)

(I’m helping plan an event which includes having items shipped by freight carrier. I get a non-recognized missed call that I normally would not call back due to scammers, but it’s about the time a delivery may be ready. Note: they did not leave a voice message and found I had never dealt with them before.)

Company: “Hello, this is [Freight Company].”

Me: “I had a missed call from this number. I think you were trying to call for a delivery date.”

Company: *looks up the information* “Yes, how about Thursday? We can call about an hour before the driver will be there.”

Me: “Thursday is fine. Can you please make sure that person leaves a message if I don’t answer? No message was left with the missed call.”

Company: “I’d better make sure we have the correct phone number.”

Me: “I called you back on a missed call from your company to my number.”

Company: *long pause* “I guess we have the correct number, then.”

(My mother-in-law calls me. The day before, she mentioned my father-in-law had a doctor’s appointment that morning. I work in healthcare, but am by no means a doctor.)

Mother-In-Law: “How do you know if you have a virus?”

Me: “As opposed to what?”

Mother-In-Law: “As opposed to not having one!”

Me: “So, like, if you have a virus or a bacterial infection? Or if you have a virus or you’re not sick? Or what?”

Mother-In-Law: “What? Oh! No, no, no! How do you know if you have a COMPUTER virus!”

(Made much more sense after that! But why she called me and not her son that works for a tech company remains a mystery…)

(I’m on the phone with my parents. I’m in the UK and they are in the States.)

Me: “Know how sometimes you’re like ‘I love you but leave me alone before I stab you?’”

Dad: “Oh! We were talking about you stabbing people just yesterday!”