(I am helping a customer renew her policy. I am generating a new quote.)

Me: “Okay, it looks like that be [amount] for the first month and [amount] for eleven months after.”

Customer: “That sounds quite a bit better than before.”

Me: “Yes, it is. Are you happy to continue?”

Customer: “Absolutely!”

Me: “Okay, if you will just give a moment…”

Customer: *now angry* “I’m going to cut you in your sleep.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: *cheery again* “Oh, I’m sorry. I was talking to my husband.”

(I am currently seconded to another company to assist with project management. The director of the company has asked if I wouldn’t mind helping out on one of their tenderings. I agree, but stress I am only doing it because he has asked, to which he agrees and tells me I’m free to decline at any point if the work becomes a hindrance on my responsibilities to the project. It starts off fine with the other department, and I have only been working with one person at present. I am invited to a call-in meeting for a final review.)

Project Manager: “Okay, everything is good as a start, but I’m expecting you down here next week for the final push.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that hasn’t been discussed and that’s too short notice—”

Project Manager: “Well, we pay you, so you are coming down here next week. We need this finished ahead of submission. I’ve also made some changes which need to be done in the next hour.”

(He lists about ten different things which literally changes the entire logic for the project and will require over a day to complete, if I abandoned all of my other duties.)

Me: “Sorry, that isn’t possible for an hour or even a day. I have my responsibilities here—”

Project Manager: “I don’t care. You’re finishing this. In fact, get your a**e down here today. You can take this week and next to finish.”

Me: “No.”

Project Manager: “Excuse me? Do you realise how important this is?”

Me: “Okay, first of all: I do not work for you, nor do you pay my wages.”

Project Manager: “We’ll see—”

Me: “Second: I am doing this as a favour to [Director]. I am not being paid for this and any travel would be paid out of my own pocket. And lastly: you do not speak to someone like that who is helping you for absolutely nothing in return. Is that understood?”

Project Manager: “Hold on a second.”

(I’m put on hold and after a few minutes I’m put back on. His voice is strained so I assume he’s angry.)

Project Manager: “Okay. I have been made aware of our situation, and I would like to apologise. We can share a meal once you’re down here and make things up.”

Me: “I haven’t agreed to that. It isn’t possible to neglect my responsibilities here, and as per instruction—”

Project Manager: “GET YOUR F*****G A**E DOWN HERE, NOW!”

Me: *hangs up*

(He tries calling me back into the call but I block the number. The next morning the director comes to me with his phone in hand, saying the project manager claims I was being abusive and refusing to help with anything. I explain my side of the situation and show all my correspondence and work I have done. The director nods and takes his phone off hold.)

Director: “[My Name] believes he is no longer able to provide the adequate time to assist you. He will be more than… Yes, he made it quite clear… He has done plenty, and will gladly send you… No, but I pay your wages… I’m glad you understand.”

(He is about to hang up when he hears “f*****g c**t”. He smiles and hangs up.)

Director: “I smell dismissal.”

(My nine-year-old nephew is fascinated by insects and reptiles, and proudly signs himself  Nephew THE ENTOMOLOGIST on emails. My sister and her husband have had to be very firm with him about the creepy-crawlies that he tries to bring in the house. One day she receives a call on her cell.)

Caller: “Hi, I’m with [Reptile Supply House] and I need to schedule a delivery.”

Sister: “A delivery of…?”

Caller: “You ordered a corn snake. We need to make sure that there’s someone at home to accept a live delivery.”

(Turned out, my nephew figured out how to set up a PayPal account and used his Christmas money to order the snake. Unfortunately for him, he had no phone and used my sister’s number for the transaction. When my sister contacted PayPal to shut down his account, she said the lady on the customer service line laughed so hard at the story she had to put a supervisor on the phone to finish the cancellation.)

I work at a large multi-national company. The culture there is that if you needed to communicate with someone, no matter if they were in your time-zone or not, you picked up the phone and called.

One evening, after I have gone home for the day, the phone rings. It is my manager, who lives and works in Australia. He is calling me, after hours, at home, to tell me that someone is going to call me, the next week, to talk with me about something. After I hang up, I tell my roommate about the call and say: “I think that an email would have been more practical and a lot less expensive.”

To this day, I have no idea what they (whoever was supposed to call) were going to talk to me about because they never did call.

(My friend and I are shooting the breeze when we hit a lull in the conversation.)

Friend: “Well, I need to finish making dinner, so I’ll talk to you later.”

Me: “Okay, bye!”

(About thirty seconds go by, and neither of us have hung up.)

Friend: “Uh… I’m in the middle of cooking, so you’re going to have to hang up.”

Me: “Well, I’m in the middle of changing a poopy diaper, so it’s going to be a minute.”

Friend: *laughing* “All right, well, I guess we’re staying on the phone, then!”

(Eventually, one of us had a free (clean) hand and we got off the phone!)