(Our province has two area codes which divide the province into zones. A third area code is added to one of the zones which means that people in that zone can no longer use seven-digit local dialing, and have to use the area code for ten-digit local dialing instead. There has been a fair amount of advertising of this new protocol. I am working as a telephone operator.)

Caller: “I’m trying to make a call and it won’t go through.”

Me: “Ah, yes. What is happening is that a new area code has been added and now you have to dial all 10-digits of the telephone number including the area code for local calling.”

Caller: *angrily* “NO, I don’t have to dial the area code!”

Me: “…”

(I think for a moment.)

Me: “Well, ultimately you ARE right. You don’t have to dial the area code. Unless of course you want your calls to go through.”

Caller: “F*** you, a**-hole!” *click*

(I am the idiot here. I am currently working in the intensive care unit of the hospital, so we often have the sad duty of taking care of patients until death. When death happens, we call professionals who handle approaching family to ask about donating organs. I’m responsible for this tonight. We’re pretty informal with each other’s departments.)

Me: “Hey, this is [My Name] from [Hospital]. An 88-year-old man died a few minutes ago. Ready for his info?”

Employee: “You… what?! What happened?”

Me: “Uh, it was his time? He was quite old.”

Employee: “Wait, why are you calling?”

Me: “This isn’t the organ procurement department… is it?”

Employee: “They have that? Jesus, no. This is the help line for [Garage Door Company]. I thought one of our doors had crushed someone!”

Me: *checking what I’d dialed* “Oh, shoot, I switched the last two digits around when I dialed. Sorry for the heart attack I just gave you!”

(Seriously, I’m sorry. And the man’s family did decide to donate! )

(I am helping a customer renew her policy. I am generating a new quote.)

Me: “Okay, it looks like that be [amount] for the first month and [amount] for eleven months after.”

Customer: “That sounds quite a bit better than before.”

Me: “Yes, it is. Are you happy to continue?”

Customer: “Absolutely!”

Me: “Okay, if you will just give a moment…”

Customer: *now angry* “I’m going to cut you in your sleep.”

Me: “Excuse me?!”

Customer: *cheery again* “Oh, I’m sorry. I was talking to my husband.”

(I am currently seconded to another company to assist with project management. The director of the company has asked if I wouldn’t mind helping out on one of their tenderings. I agree, but stress I am only doing it because he has asked, to which he agrees and tells me I’m free to decline at any point if the work becomes a hindrance on my responsibilities to the project. It starts off fine with the other department, and I have only been working with one person at present. I am invited to a call-in meeting for a final review.)

Project Manager: “Okay, everything is good as a start, but I’m expecting you down here next week for the final push.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but that hasn’t been discussed and that’s too short notice—”

Project Manager: “Well, we pay you, so you are coming down here next week. We need this finished ahead of submission. I’ve also made some changes which need to be done in the next hour.”

(He lists about ten different things which literally changes the entire logic for the project and will require over a day to complete, if I abandoned all of my other duties.)

Me: “Sorry, that isn’t possible for an hour or even a day. I have my responsibilities here—”

Project Manager: “I don’t care. You’re finishing this. In fact, get your a**e down here today. You can take this week and next to finish.”

Me: “No.”

Project Manager: “Excuse me? Do you realise how important this is?”

Me: “Okay, first of all: I do not work for you, nor do you pay my wages.”

Project Manager: “We’ll see—”

Me: “Second: I am doing this as a favour to [Director]. I am not being paid for this and any travel would be paid out of my own pocket. And lastly: you do not speak to someone like that who is helping you for absolutely nothing in return. Is that understood?”

Project Manager: “Hold on a second.”

(I’m put on hold and after a few minutes I’m put back on. His voice is strained so I assume he’s angry.)

Project Manager: “Okay. I have been made aware of our situation, and I would like to apologise. We can share a meal once you’re down here and make things up.”

Me: “I haven’t agreed to that. It isn’t possible to neglect my responsibilities here, and as per instruction—”

Project Manager: “GET YOUR F*****G A**E DOWN HERE, NOW!”

Me: *hangs up*

(He tries calling me back into the call but I block the number. The next morning the director comes to me with his phone in hand, saying the project manager claims I was being abusive and refusing to help with anything. I explain my side of the situation and show all my correspondence and work I have done. The director nods and takes his phone off hold.)

Director: “[My Name] believes he is no longer able to provide the adequate time to assist you. He will be more than… Yes, he made it quite clear… He has done plenty, and will gladly send you… No, but I pay your wages… I’m glad you understand.”

(He is about to hang up when he hears “f*****g c**t”. He smiles and hangs up.)

Director: “I smell dismissal.”

(My nine-year-old nephew is fascinated by insects and reptiles, and proudly signs himself  Nephew THE ENTOMOLOGIST on emails. My sister and her husband have had to be very firm with him about the creepy-crawlies that he tries to bring in the house. One day she receives a call on her cell.)

Caller: “Hi, I’m with [Reptile Supply House] and I need to schedule a delivery.”

Sister: “A delivery of…?”

Caller: “You ordered a corn snake. We need to make sure that there’s someone at home to accept a live delivery.”

(Turned out, my nephew figured out how to set up a PayPal account and used his Christmas money to order the snake. Unfortunately for him, he had no phone and used my sister’s number for the transaction. When my sister contacted PayPal to shut down his account, she said the lady on the customer service line laughed so hard at the story she had to put a supervisor on the phone to finish the cancellation.)