(The small college library I work in has a strict no-phones policy for students; i.e., devices on silent and no voice calls. Unfortunately, we have to remind students about it on an almost daily basis. On this particular occasion, a woman is working on a computer and takes a call on her mobile. I go across to her.)

Me: “Excuse me; you’ll have to take your call outside.”

Student: “Oh, sorry!” *into the phone* “I’m in the library, I’ll just have to go outside…”

(She leaves, but as the library doors and walls are entirely of glass, and she stands in the hall just outside the door to hold her conversation, everybody inside the library can hear her side of it, and it’s clearly a call about a job opening. After a five-minute discussion, she comes back in and calls over to the desk where I’m working:)

Student: “Sorry about that!”

(She then returns to her seat, but soon comes up to my desk.)

Student: “Excuse me, but the students sitting near me are talking and making so much noise that I can’t concentrate.”

Me: *stunned at her brass neck and lack of self-awareness*

Student: “If you could just tell them to be quiet, or ask them to leave…”

Me: “I’ll certainly ask them to be quiet if I hear them making any noise, but I can’t ask them to leave.”

(The students in question were being quiet at that point, although I eventually did need to speak to them, but I couldn’t get over the gall of the woman after having disturbed the entire library with her phone call!)

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(I live away from my family, but speak to them regularly. This night my younger brother takes the call so we’re catching up.)

Brother: “I got fired.”

Me: “How did that happen? I thought they really liked you?”

Brother: “They did! But I think walking barefoot into the freezer was frowned upon.”

Me: “Why the h*** would anyone do that?!”

Brother: “Well, you know how you can get your tongue stuck to a lamppost?”

Me: “Yeah?”

Brother: “I wanted to see if it would happen with my feet?”

Me: “And did it?”

Brother: “No.”

Me: “…”

Brother: “At least I know now!”

(In the UK, there was a massive incident of Payment Protection Insurance [PPI] being mis-sold between 1997 and 1999. As such, when the information was first released, there were a lot of cold callers offering to get this money back – in most cases, a scam. After several years, it petered out. Recently, the deadline to claim it back is coming up, resulting in more calls. I get a call on my mobile from a number I don’t know, but it is a landline so I answer it, though I am suspicious.)

Caller: “Good evening, Miss. How are you?”

(Immediately I know it’s a spam call)

Me: “Who are you?”

Caller: “My name is [Name] and I am calling from [Financial Company]. I believe you are [Male version of my name]?”

Me: “It’s [Female Version]. What do you want?”

Caller: “I am calling because I believe you have been mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance. I want to help you claim it back.”

Me: “No. I’ve not been mis-sold PPI.”

Caller: “Are you sure? You may have been sold it without knowing if you took out a loan between 1997 and ‘99.”

Me: “Definitely sure.”

Caller: “How can you be so sure?”

Me: “I was six. Bit of a risk lending to a six year old.”

(He hung up.)

(I have been vomiting all morning and decide I am not well enough for work. I phone in sick.)

Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name]. I’ve been throwing up all morning and I’m not going to be able to come in.”

Manager: “Aww, that’s a poor excuse.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Can’t you come up with something more exciting?”

Me: “Like what? I’ve just chest-burst a Xenomorph and now I’m fleeing for my life as Spock and Jack O’Neill try to kill it?”

Manager: “Oooooooh, sounds dangerous! When’s your next shift?”

Me: “Monday. Hopefully I’ll be better by then.”

Manager: “Perfect! Good luck with the aliens, and let me know if you need the Millennium Falcon to drop by!” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*

(I asked about it when I got back, and learned it’s a game that management plays. Whoever comes up with the best excuse in the year gets vouchers to use in the store, and as this was my first time being sick, I didn’t know. Sadly I only got second place that year, but now I keep a book of outlandish stories that I make up, so the next time, I’m ready!)

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(I am trying to get hold of my boyfriend to rearrange a date we had that evening. His mobile is being repaired so I am phoning his house. His younger brother [five years old] seems intent on answering the phone every time I try. I’m losing patience as he doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that it ends the call when you hang up. I have phoned several times already and my boyfriend hasn’t appeared, so I’m assuming that either his brother isn’t telling him or he is out. I try a different tactic.)

Me: “Hello? Is that [Brother] again? This is [Boyfriend]’s friend again. Would you mind putting your mum on?”

Brother: “Hello, [My Name]. I think she’s busy, but I’ll try.” *hangs up*

(I phone again.)

Me: “Hello—”

Brother: “She’s busy. She’s playing in the bathroom. It sounds like she dropped her PlayStation controller.”

Me: “Controller?”

Brother: “It’s shaking!”

(I realise what’s going and politely hang up and just decide to leave the matter completely. Half an hour later, his mum calls me and agrees to pass on my message. Later on our date, I told him the story and he went so white I thought he would pass out, but by the end he laughing hysterically.)