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Relationship Status Unknown

| Romantic | July 2, 2012

(I haven’t heard from my boyfriend for the past few days. After multiple attempts to contact him through text, calls and e-mails wondering if he’s okay, I suddenly get a call from him.)

Me: “Hey, are you okay? you haven’t been—”

Boyfriend: “Look, stop contacting me, okay? You need to accept what happened and move on.”

Me: “Um…what?”

Boyfriend: *irritated sigh* “We’re no longer together! You have to stop acting like my girlfriend and get over it. We’re through!”

Me: “What? When did this happen?”

Boyfriend: “Last Tuesday! Just stop contacting me, and let me be happy!” *hangs up*

(I am left speechless. I find out later he had broken up with me…through Facebook. He never even had the decency to tell me to my face. I suddenly understood why all my friends were asking if I was alright all week.)

Nutella For The Nutty Fella

| Romantic | June 28, 2012

(My ex and I are slowly trying to rebuild a friendship. We sometimes discuss our current relationship issues.)

Ex: “My boyfriend and I had a horrible fight.”

Me: “Over what?”

Ex: “Nutella.”

Me: “Huh?”

Ex: “See, he asked me not to eat the last of his Nutella. But I wanted some, so I ate it.”

Me: “Did you know he’d be upset if you ate it?”

Ex: “Yes.”

Me: “Then why did you do so?”

Ex: “Because I don’t think it’s something he should get upset about.”

Me: “Okay, let me make sure I understand. Your boyfriend asked you not to do something but you did it anyway, knowing it would upset him. And now you’re angry with him because he’s angry with you.”

Ex: “That’s correct.”

Me: “Wow. You’re a keeper.”

Sickly Sweet

| Romantic | June 28, 2012

(My husband is at home sick playing a popular online game. I call him to see how he is doing.)

Me: “Hi, my heart. Just wanted to say that I love you and I can’t wait to see you tonight. Hope you feel better. Kill lots of alliance.”

Husband: “I slay them in your honor.”

Me: “And they say romance is dead.”

Husband: “Not as dead as the alliance. Viva la horde!”

Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 4

| Related | June 28, 2012

(My Mom no longer has land-line phone service; instead, she uses her cell phone. I receive this call from her literally the day after she got her first smart phone.)

Me: “Hello.”

Mom: “Did you just call me?”

Me: “No.”

Mom: “Oh, I just missed a call and I can’t see who it was from.”

Me: “Maybe it was [brother] or [sister]?”

Mom: “I no longer have the symbol for making calls on my home screen, and I don’t have the symbol for hanging up. I was just on the phone with [satellite provider], and somehow after I got off the phone with them, I called them back. I couldn’t end the call, so I had to go through all the prompts to talk to a person. Once I did, I had to explain to her that I had just gotten this smart phone and I can’t find the button to end the call, and could she please hang so I could end the call!”

 

You’ve Got The Wrongest Number, Part 6

, , , , , , | Right | May 23, 2012

Me: “We’re making magic here at Ch—”

Caller: “Sexy voice for a sexy lady, eh?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “Yeah, I wanted to ask about some of your ‘prizes’.”

Me: “Sure? What are you looking for?”

(He begins to read me a long list of sexual objects and attempts to talk dirty.)

Me: “Sir, this is highly inappropriate.”

Caller: “If you’re offended, why do you work at [Adult Store]?”

Me: “Because I don’t. I think you have the wrong number.”

Caller: “Who am I talking to, then?”

Me: “[My Name] at Chuck E. Cheese.”

Caller: “Oh… Oh, my God! I AM SO SORRY!”


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