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Family Get(ting) Together

| Related | July 31, 2012

(My boyfriend and I met when he was a regular at the bar where I work. His grandfather passes away and we attend the funeral. Thoughout the process of the obituary, we discover that he is actually first cousins with one of my coworkers, whom I’ve known for years, and my boyfriend knew for a few months before we started dating. They hadn’t known of their relationship due to various family estrangements, but welcomed each other with open arms once they realized. I am telling my dad over the phone about this twist of fate.)

Me: “So, it turns out that Jane is Joe’s first cousin, and they never knew this whole time that he was coming into the bar!”

Dad: “That’s crazy. Wow, good thing he decided to hit on you!”

The Real Mighty Ducks

| Related | July 30, 2012

(During a phone call with my dad, I advise him to ‘make sure all your ducks are in a row’, with some e-mail juggling he was doing. I have Asperger’s Syndrome, so when I use or hear a turn of phrase like that, I can’t help wondering what the consequences would be if such a phrase was taken literally.)

Me: “If you actually did line a bunch of ducks in a row, and they all quacked, would the quacks amplify each other into a bigger quack?”

Dad: “Yes. Well, sort of. Sound does get louder that way.”

Me: “Yeah, but do you think it could go the point of becoming an actual, measurable ‘Quack Power’ or something?”

Dad: “Probably, yes.”

Me: “Why do I think about these things??”

Dad: “Because you are my daughter.”

Me: “If you got a bunch of ducks, and put them in a line, and had them quack in order so that the second duck wouldn’t quack until the quack from the first duck got to where the quack from the second duck would join with it, and then the third duck wouldn’t quack until it could add to the combined quack from the first and second ducks, and so on down the line, do you think you could turn that into a sort of quack weapon?”

Dad: “Well, see, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re talking about a line of ducks quacking in sequence in such a fashion as to meld and amplify each quack into a single, large quack. The problem lies in getting each duck to quack at the precise moment necessary to match the speed of sound so that the initial amplitude of each quack matches the one before it, or else you’ll get distortion. You would also have to ensure that each quack is uniform in pitch for maximum quack blending.”

Me: “So, basically we’d need a line of cybernetically modified ducks on remote activation with computerized precision timing to ensure uniform quack volume and frequency in order to produce a weaponized quack?”

Dad: “Yes. We are now talking about android ducks.”

Me: “I love having these conversations with you.”

Needle Little Motivation

| Romantic | July 18, 2012

(I have an allergic reaction to a drugstore product and have to go to a doctor. I am prescribed some pills, along with an Epi pen which is only to be used if I have another life-threatening reaction. I’ve just told my needle-phobic boyfriend how to use the Epi pen on me just in case.)

Boyfriend: “I’ll save your life, of course. But that needle is going to freak me out.”

Me: “You won’t even see it until after the drug has done its job. Plus, it’s going into me, not you!”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but—”

Me: “Do you love me enough to stab me?!”

Boyfriend: “Well, if you put it like that…”

Every Evening Is The Same Old Tune

| Related | July 18, 2012

(My technophobe mother-in-law has finally gotten a cell phone, but only knows how to answer it. She consistently asks passersby to use the phone to call me to pick her up from work, telling them ‘Just tell her Lynne is out, so come and get her’.)

Me: “Hello?”

Stranger: *singing* “Hey you don’t know me, and this is crazy, but Lynne is out, so get her maybe?”


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Un-parental Sentimental

| Related | July 11, 2012

(I call home to talk to my father. I am checking up on him since he has a few health problems. We’re finishing up the conversation.)

Me: “Well, I’d better go. I have to work at 6 tomorrow morning.”

Dad: “Oh, I’ll be getting ready for work then. I’ll be thinking about you when I’m in the shower.”

Me: “Umm…thanks dad.”