(My first real job is at a bakery. I answer the phone, but hear the line go dead about halfway through my welcome message.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name].”

(The customer hangs up.)

Me: “We are not available to speak to you right now, so please speak slowly and clearly at the sound of the click.”

(I hang up. My boss literally stops with one foot in the air, looking HORRIFIED.)

Me: “Relax, man. They hung up.”

Boss: *sigh of relief, followed by a grin* “Whew. That was funny. Never do it again.”

Me: *salutes* “No problem! I work up a new gag each time.”

(It’s late one night when we get a phone call on our landline. My mother insists on keeping the landline because she doesn’t trust cell phones, even though 90% of the calls we get on the landline are scams. This time the name of our insurance company pops up, which is odd, but since my father just passed away unexpectedly, I decide to answer.)

Me: “Hello, [Last Name] Residence!”

Caller: “Hi, my name is [Caller] calling from [Insurance Company]! Could I please speak to Mr. [Father] [A Very Wrong Version of Our Last Name]?”

(I am amused, but not surprised she pronounced our last name wrong, since it is very foreign. I am more amused that our insurance company is asking to speak to my deceased father, who has been gone for nearly three months now.)

Me: “Oh, he has passed away.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “I am very sure.”

Caller: “Well, I need to speak to him.”

Me: “That is not going to be possible.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Because he’s dead.”

Caller: “Are you sure?”

Me: “…”

Caller: “…”

Me: “Ma’am, can I ask you a question?”

Caller: “Of course!”

Me: “Do you know the definition of ‘deceased’?”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: “…”

Me: “He’s not available right now.”

Caller: *cheerily* “No problem; we will call back at a later date! Thank you for your time!”

(Back in the mid-90s, my father discovered the joys of collect calling. Sadly, he is also very impatient and easily distracted, leading to several people and companies receiving calls like this:)

Recording: “You have a collect call from… uuuugh…”

Recording: “You have a collect call from…” *Dad trying to quiet my baby sister* “Shhh… Quiet, baby.”

Recording: “You have a collect call from… I’m waiting for the beep; I don’t hear a beep!”

(Surprisingly, all these calls were somehow accepted.)

(For about a month, I have been getting calls from some random guy looking for a local car dealership. Whether I am at home, in class, at work, or out with friends, he keeps trying. My cellphone number is exactly the same as theirs apart from the last number, and this guy always dials mine. One day, he calls again. I immediately recognize the number and decide to have some fun because I am so fed up with it.)

Me: “[Car Dealership]. This is Frank. How can I help you?”

Guy: “Finally! I’ve been trying to reach you guys forever, but I kept getting some kid.”

Me: “Well, that’s unfortunate. What can I help you with?”

Guy: “I’m looking for [Car], but I’m not really sure what to get.”

Me: “Not a problem. I can talk you through our options and get you into something you like.”

Guy: “Great!”

(I proceed to go to the dealership’s website and go over every feature available. By the end of the call, I have “sold” him a car, with everything he wants, for a great price. And for the record, I NEVER take any money-related information from him.)

Me: “All right, sounds like you got a great car there.”

Guy: “Oh, my God! Thank you!”

Me: “You’re welcome. Just come on down to the dealership and ask for me, and we’ll get everything squared away.”

Guy: “Excellent! I’ll see you in about an hour. Bye!”

Me: “See ya!”

(I then immediately called my carrier and changed my number. I don’t know what happened to him, but I imagine he was quite embarrassed when he arrived.)

(I’m working in tech support for an insurance broker. We frequently get sales calls from vendors wanting to know what kind of software we use, so they can offer us their software to use, instead.)

Me: *answers phone* “Tech Support, this is [My Name].”

Vendor: “Hi, this is [Vendor] calling from [Company]. We have it written down here that you are still using [Program]; is that correct?”

(We’ve used several of the same programs for so long, some of the names have changed, including the companies that make the software, in some cases.)

Me: “That sounds familiar, but let me check; it’s not a program I normally get into unless there’s a problem with it.”

Vendor: “That’s fine.”

(I mute the phone so I can ask a coworker, and I search our system to see if we have any documentation for the program in question.)

Vendor: *thinking I can’t hear him, because he can’t hear me* “Come on, Mr. IT Guy. You need to reboot the whole system just to know what you’re using?”

(Stunned, and not sure how to proceed, I decided to keep him muted a little while longer just to waste his time, and then I hung up on him without another word. Not sure if he ever called back again.)