(My boyfriend and I have been playing separate computer games while on a voice call with each other. We have been silent for a while, but then I hear snoring.)

Me: “[Boyfriend], wake up. Wake up! [Boyfriend]! Wake up!”

Boyfriend: “Hm? Wha?”

Me: “You fell asleep. You should probably go to bed.”

Boyfriend: “Aw, but–NO! F***! S***! NO! GET AWAY! BAD! F***! F*** OFF, YOU DEMON VACUUM! No, no, f***, f***, GET AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER!”

Me: “Uh… Dear? This in your game or in real life?”

Boyfriend: “Real life. My roommate’s roomba came to life and tried to attack my computer tower…”

(His computer was fine, but I think that thoroughly woke the both of us.)

(I used to breed reptiles on a small scale and sell supplies on the side from my home, but I have closed that business down. I still have the same cell number that was used for those listings. A guy calls looking for a fish tank while I’m lounging in bed with coffee.)

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have any. Can I ask where you got this number?”

Caller: “Online, under pet stores.”

Me: “Okay, thank you. Sorry, but I closed my business two years ago. You can try the [Animal Clinic], though.”

Caller: “Where else can I get a tank? “

Me: “[Animal Clinic]. They are also a pet store.”

Caller: “How much? “

Me: “I’m sorry; I don’t know. You’ll have to go look.”

Caller: “Where is it?”

Me: “Do you know where the [Landmark] is?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “I’m not sure of the exact address; I just know how to get there. It might be best just to look up the address.”

Caller: “Okay, what is the address?”

Me: “I don’t know. You’ll have to look it up.”

Caller: “How?”

Me: “Same way you found me. I’m sure Google will help.”

Caller: “What about [Store]? Do they have tanks?”

Me: “Um. Maybe. I’m not sure. You’ll have to go look.”

Caller: “I don’t want to drive into town for nothing.”

Me: *snorts out a laugh* “Okay, but I can’t help you.”

Caller: “Thank you for good customer service.” *hangs up*

(I live in Germany. We have a loyal customer base who always come to us when their American-made motorcycles have any kind of trouble. Some of them think we are omnipotent and can solve any problem over the phone.)

Customer: “My bike is making some strange noise.”

Me: “What kind of noise?”

(Usually I would expect a description of the sound and the general area it comes from on the bike. Instead, I hear the bike start up and the customer revving the engine several times while holding the phone close to it.)

Customer: “Now you heard it. What do you think is wrong?”

(I had to patiently explain that I need to have the bike in the shop to check it out instead of giving him a diagnosis over the phone.)

(I work in an online store that sells ‘Magic: The Gathering’ cards. It is almost Christmas.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Boy: *sounds about 15* “Hi, I’m building a deck for a Christmas tournament tomorrow, and the shop that I ordered the cards from has just told me that they are out of [Card]. It’s sold out everywhere, even on your site. I don’t want to be that guy, but do you have any in stock that were not loaded onto the website?”

Me: “I’ll check for you.”

(Sure enough, I find we have some.)

Me: “Good news: we do! You can check them out on the website. If you choose the international shipping option, I’ll use a courier service; it should be there tomorrow.”

Boy: “Thank you so much. You are a lifesaver!”

(Three days later, I got a package. It was a box of chocolates, a picture of the boy holding a trophy, and a note: “Thank you so much! I managed to come first. Enjoy these!” I love my job.)

(My friend rings me. Before I can even say “hello,” she blurts out to following.)

Friend: “What if I told you that you’re gay because you drink too much?”

Me: “You drink more than I do.”

Friend: “But I’m a girl, and I just read that alcoholics are more likely to be gay.”

Me: “Probably because the stress and fear of your friends and family turning on you for being gay is enough to turn you to drink?”

Friend: “That’s silly. Anyway, I’m going to monitor your alcohol intake over the next year and see how gay you feel after I remove you from it.” *hangs up*

(Next stop: Ex-Friend City.)