(I work at an inbound call center. I have been doing the same job for years and have never received a complaint like this one.)

Me: “You’ve reached [Department]. My name is [My Name]. Please be advised that this call is recorded.”

Caller: “Good!”

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Caller: “That other agent I talked to, I couldn’t understand a word she said. It sounded like she was talking with a candy bar in her mouth. Couldn’t understand a word.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry about that, sir. I’ll be sure to forward that information on, but in the meantime, if at any point you aren’t able to understand me just let me know. How can I assist you today?”

(The caller goes on to explain a problem that I am unable to resolve in my department, so I inform him that I will need to reach out to a different department to address his concerns, only to have him suddenly cut me off, yelling.)

Caller: “I can’t understand any of you! You’re all eating f****** desserts! Just forget it!” *click*

(I can’t speak for the first person he spoke to, but I certainly wasn’t eating anything… though that call made me want some sweets!)

(I recently moved five hours away from home to start a new job after graduating university. My mom is planning on visiting me in a couple of weeks and has excitedly made a list of city attractions she wants to see with me while she is here. We are talking to each other on the phone.)

Mom: “There are so many things I want us to see and do when I visit! I’ve found a few brochures with different activities and have started making a list of everything we can do. I’m going to go get the list; I’ll be right back!”

(She sets the phone down for a moment while going to get her list and returns a minute later. She starts talking again, but mumbling and sounding far away. Note that she is home alone, so I know that she is not talking to anyone else.)

Me: “Sorry, what did you say? I can’t hear you properly; I think something’s wrong with the connection.”

(She just continues talking as if she hasn’t heard me. Her talking is still distant and I can’t make out what she is saying at all. This continues in the same fashion for about three minutes, with me trying to tell her that I can’t hear what she is saying and her continuing to mumble distantly non-stop. I eventually give up, hang up the phone, and try to call back. I get a busy signal, which shows she likely hasn’t hung up the phone from our conversation yet. I call back several times in the next few minutes, only to hear the busy signal each time. Eventually I just give up and wait for her to call me. Five minutes later, the phone rings.)

Mom: *laughing* “You are never going to let me live down what I just did.”

Me: “What happened? I couldn’t hear anything you were saying.”

Mom: “When I got back with my list I sat down, picked up the phone, and started talking again. Eventually when you weren’t replying, I looked down to see the phone on the coffee table still. I had been talking into the TV remote, instead!”

(She had managed to talk into the TV remote instead of the phone for about eight minutes before figuring out her mistake. I’m still not sure how she managed to talk for that long before realizing she couldn’t hear me talking to her at all! She did come visit a couple of weeks later, and we had a great time and got to do most of the stuff from her brochures.)

(My boyfriend and I have a tricky arrangement where he works almost two hours away and stays there rather than commuting every day. He usually comes home for a long weekend, but something comes up and he has to stay for two weeks.)

Me: “I wish you were here. For snuggling. And smooching.”

Boyfriend: *laughs* “And other things that begin with S?”

Me: “Slow-dancing?”

Boyfriend: “No, the other thing.”

Me: “Supper by candlelight?”

Boyfriend: “Noooo…”

Me: “A sweet sunset stroll, holding handssssssss?”

Boyfriend: “Good alliteration, but no, try again.”

Me: “Wait, did I already say smooching?”

Boyfriend: “Yes.”

Me: “What about esssssssss-kimo kisses?”

Boyfriend: “Wow.”

(I have ordered from a restaurant. They call me back.)

Me: “Hello?”

Employee: “Are you [My Name]?”

Me: “Yeah, that’s me.”

Employee: “The two cans of [Brand] soda you ordered, we don’t have anymore. Would you like [Brand #2], [Brand #3]—”

(Suddenly my home phone runs out of battery. I rush to find a new one, and I realize I haven’t charged ANY of my home phones. I slam one into the charger as they call again.)

Employee: “[My Name]?”

Me: “I… I am sorry. My home phone ran out of battery. I’ll take two of [Brand #2] soda.”

Employee: “Are you sure you want your burge—”

(The home phone goes out again, and I answer from the answering machine the next time they call.)

Me: “I’m really sorry; I haven’t charged any of my home phones.”

Employee: “Don’t sweat it; at least you’re not yelling about too much salt on your fries.”

(Our call centre deals with electronic repairs and tech support. When a customer calls the automated line, they are told to press one for repairs or to stay on the line to get transferred to tech support. This happens on a quiet Sunday afternoon when I am the only free agent on the repair line. We are not allowed to transfer calls, as we are strictly inbound only at this time.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thanks for calling [Company] repair line. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I need help with my [item].”

(They describe the issue they have been having.)

Me: “Sorry to hear that. You will need to call tech support to run through diagnostics over the phone, and they will get it booked in for repair if necessary. Just redial the same number, but when you get to the options just stay on the line and that will connect you.”

Customer: “Okay, then. Bye.”

(Less than one minute later the phone rings again.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thanks for calling [Company] repair line. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My [item] is not turning on; I need it fixed.”

Me: “We spoke just a few moments ago, and unfortunately you have come through to the wrong department again. When you redial, do not press one or any other number, and you will get through to our tech support team.”

Customer: “Oh, all right, then. Bye.”

(Less than one minute later the phone rings yet again.)

Me: “Good afternoon. Thanks for calling [Company] repair line. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “My [item] is broken; I need it fixed.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you have come through to me again. When you press one for repairs, it sends you to me, but you need to speak to tech support. When you call, do not press one or any other number. If you ignore all the options and wait, your call will be sent straight to tech support.”

Customer: “Okay, I will call them.”

(Less than one minute later the phone rings once again.)

Me: “Good afternoon, thanks for calling [Company] repair line, how can I help you today?”

Customer: “You again! I keep calling the same number, but I can’t get through to tech support like you said I would.”

Me: “I am so sorry. I don’t know why you are getting me, instead. Tech support are receiving calls this afternoon, so the line does seem to be working. Would you mind please just confirming the number you are dialling? The only thing I can think of is that we did change our number about five months ago, and you may be calling that, instead?”

Customer: “Sure, it is [new and current number], then option one.”

Me: “That is the correct number, but as I have advised you three times now, pressing one transfers you to me. When you call, you dial [current number], wait for the options, press nothing, and you will be sent to tech support.”

Customer: “Oh, whatever. I can’t be bothered with that now. I just want to book it in for repair.”

Me: “All repair booking is done by tech support.”

(I then had to explain that the repair team did not have access to the booking-in system, as all issues have to be logged and attempted to be resolved by tech support first, and so she would need to speak our tech team, anyway. In the end, I had to get a supervisor to authorise and log the transferred call.)