(I keep getting phone calls from a number I do not recognize, but they leave no messages. After researching the number, I find it is a debt collection agency. I’m pretty sure I don’t have any outstanding debts — at least not bad enough to merit a debt collector — so I call back to find out what is happening.)

Collector: “[Agency], this is [Collector]. May I have your account number, please?”

Me: “Uh, I’m sorry. I don’t have an account number to give. I just keep getting calls from this number.”

Collector: “I can look you up by your social security number.”

Me: “I’m not comfortable giving that out over the phone. Can you use my phone number?”

Collector: “No.”

(Awkward silence.)

Me: “Oh. Uh, okay, then. I guess… Thanks for your help?”

Collector: *hangs up*

(I wait for the number to call again and this time, I answer.)

Me: “Hello?”

Collector: “I need to speak with [Not Me].”

Me: “I’m sorry, but there’s no one here by that name.”

Collector: “Is this [my phone number]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Collector: “I need to speak with [Not Me].”

Me: “You have the wrong number.”

Collector: *annoyed* “I need to speak with [Not Me]. It’s urgent.”

Me: “Well, you’re going to have to try another way because [Not Me] doesn’t own this number; I do.”

Collector: “How can I reach him?”

Me: “I don’t even know who that is, so I have no idea.”

Collector: “[Not Me] needs to call us back immediately.”

Me: “You need to stop calling me.”

Collector: *smugly* “We will stop calling once you pay off your debt.”

Me: “It’s not my debt!”

Collector: “Look. We can work out a payment plan or some kind of wage garnishment, but you need to pay or face legal action.”

Me: “I don’t have to do a thing. I want your supervisor.”

Collector: *hangs up*

Me: “Okay, then.”

(I blocked the number and reported them to the BBB. I doubt it actually did anything, but it made me feel a little better.)

(I work at the scheduling department for annual health visits.)

Me: “Hi. I’m calling to schedule [Patient] for her annual health visit, etc.” *insert spiel*

Customer: “Hello? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you; can you speak up a bit, please?”

Me: *increases volume and speaks a bit slower and louder* “Hi. I’m calling to schedule [Patient] for her annual health visit. May I speak with [Patient], please?”

Customer: “Still can’t hear you.”

Me: “Hello, hello!” *increasing volume to highest level* “Can you hear me now?”

Customer: *laughing out loud* “Sorry, just kidding. This is a voicemail. Just leave a message after the beep, thanks!” *beep*

(D***, she got me, all right.)

A few days ago I accidentally left my phone at home, face up on my bed. I finally got home late in the evening and noticed I had several missed calls and a voicemail.

I listened to the voicemail, and it turned out to be a call-back from a 911 operator! “Hello, this is 911. We have received several hang-ups from this phone number. Please give us a call back at 911 or [local police department’s number].”

I was confused, as I obviously hadn’t been home to make those calls, and there weren’t just one or two calls… There were a total of six calls made throughout the day to 911.

I can only conclude my cats called 911 to report abuse for “never feeding” them!

(My wife and I are chatting with a friend of ours in the living room. We’re all on the couch, talking about my wife’s recent phone upgrade.)

Wife: “When [My Name] calls, it’s this really cutesy ringtone I found about gumdrops and stuff.”

Friend: “Romantic. What about when you call her?”

Wife: *calls me*

My Phone: *long, loud Wookie yell*

([Friend] bursts out laughing. My wife lays her head on my shoulder.)

Wife: “Yup, so romantic. That’s us!”

Me: “Also, when you text my phone goes—” *plays burp tone*

Wife: “Just so romantic!”

(Our friend says we’re made for each other. We agree!)

(My dad is on the phone with me one day while I’m away at college. I’m in my late teens. English is not our first language, and as is the case most of the time with immigrants and their children, I have a much better knowledge of the language. He’s looking for a medical specialist to go to for some issue he has and is reading off a list to have me help him figure out what type of doctors they are.)

Dad: “It says this one is an anesthesiologist. What is that?”

Me: “That’s the doctor who puts you to sleep during surgery.”

Dad: “This one is a dermatologist.”

Me: “That’s a doctor who treats skin conditions.”

Dad: “Okay, this one is a nephrologist.”

Me: “They treat the kidneys.”

Dad: “Hmm…Let’s see… The next one is a Neurology doctor.”

Me: “They treat the brain and nervous system.”

Dad: “Okay… Oh, how about this one? It’s an OB/GYN. What is that?”

Me: “Uh… That’s… really not the right kind of doctor for you, Dad.”

(It’s worth noting here that I have a poor and very awkward relationship with my father, to the point that we’ve essentially not talked about anything personal in my entire life, and NEVER anything to do with sex.)

Dad: *in a curt and impatient tone* “What kind of doctor is it? What does OB/GYN mean?”

Me: *trying very hard not to be forced to say anything that would be extremely awkward for me* “That’s not the kind of doctor you’re looking for, Dad. I’m definitely sure about that.”

Dad: *suddenly snapping at me loudly and quite angrily* “I don’t care what you think! Just tell me what the h*** kind of doctor it is! I want to know what OB/GYN means, right now!”

Me: *startled and insulted* “Um, well, that’s… that’s a doctor who treats babies.”

Dad: *immediately calms down and pretends nothing happened, then goes on with asking about other doctors from the list* “Oh. Well. Okay, the next doctor is a….”

(I was very awkward back then about anything to do with sex, and very easily intimidated and bullied by my parents. Looking back on it now, I really wish I’d answered him with, “Well, Dad, that’s the doctor who treats vaginas and uteruses! You know, the doctor who looks into vaginas and then puts his hands into vaginas, and then puts all sorts of medical implements into vaginas! Vaginas vaginas vaginas vaginas! So, how about it? I guess I could have been totally wrong! Do you think that this could be the doctor you’re looking for – the doctor who treats vaginas?”)