Not-So-Smart-Phone, Part 4

| Related | June 28, 2012

(My Mom no longer has land-line phone service; instead, she uses her cell phone. I receive this call from her literally the day after she got her first smart phone.)

Me: “Hello.”

Mom: “Did you just call me?”

Me: “No.”

Mom: “Oh, I just missed a call and I can’t see who it was from.”

Me: “Maybe it was [brother] or [sister]?”

Mom: “I no longer have the symbol for making calls on my home screen, and I don’t have the symbol for hanging up. I was just on the phone with [satellite provider], and somehow after I got off the phone with them, I called them back. I couldn’t end the call, so I had to go through all the prompts to talk to a person. Once I did, I had to explain to her that I had just gotten this smart phone and I can’t find the button to end the call, and could she please hang so I could end the call!”


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Nutella For The Nutty Fella

| Romantic | June 28, 2012

(My ex and I are slowly trying to rebuild a friendship. We sometimes discuss our current relationship issues.)

Ex: “My boyfriend and I had a horrible fight.”

Me: “Over what?”

Ex: “Nutella.”

Me: “Huh?”

Ex: “See, he asked me not to eat the last of his Nutella. But I wanted some, so I ate it.”

Me: “Did you know he’d be upset if you ate it?”

Ex: “Yes.”

Me: “Then why did you do so?”

Ex: “Because I don’t think it’s something he should get upset about.”

Me: “Okay, let me make sure I understand. Your boyfriend asked you not to do something but you did it anyway, knowing it would upset him. And now you’re angry with him because he’s angry with you.”

Ex: “That’s correct.”

Me: “Wow. You’re a keeper.”

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Sickly Sweet

| Romantic | June 28, 2012

(My husband is at home sick playing a popular online game. I call him to see how he is doing.)

Me: “Hi, my heart. Just wanted to say that I love you and I can’t wait to see you tonight. Hope you feel better. Kill lots of alliance.”

Husband: “I slay them in your honor.”

Me: “And they say romance is dead.”

Husband: “Not as dead as the alliance. Viva la horde!”

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Represent Your Daughter

| Related | April 27, 2012

(I am student teaching high school freshmen. I’m about to graduate and have called my dad to vent a little bit about my students. Keep in mind, we are Caucasian and my dad is generally fairly conservative.)

Me: “I put up a picture of Winston Churchill on the screen, and my kids kept saying how ‘swag’ he looks. I don’t even know what that means!”

Dad: *apparently internet-searching* “Oh! This website called Urban Dictionary has a definition.”

Me: “Uh, dad, it’s okay…”

Dad: “Swag. The way in which you carry yourself. Hey, there’s examples!”

Me: “Dad! Stop!”

Dad: “That guy’s got killa swag. Swag up, b****!” Look! I found out what I will yell at you while you’re walking across the graduation stage!”

Me: “Oh God, no. I will run away and hide.”

Dad: “My daughter’s got some swag! You b****es represent!”

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The Ex-Generation X

| Related | April 21, 2012

(My youngest cousin is about 5 and is calling me on the phone while I am away at college.)

Cousin: “Hi! I have a homework to do!”

Me: “Okay, how can I help you?”

Cousin: “When were you born?”

Me: “1989.”

Cousin: “You were born in the 1900s?!”

Me: *laughing* “Yes, but make sure you don’t tell your grandparents or your parents that!”

Cousin: “Okay, I won’t! Thank you!”

(My status as an ‘old person’ was solidified after she learned that I know what a VCR is, and I know how to work it.)

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