You Got The Wrong(est) Number, Part 3

, , , , | Right | February 21, 2010

Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Can I speak to the butcher department, please?”

Me: “The butcher department?”

Customer: “Yeah, I decided I don’t want the big turkey anymore.”

Me: “Uh, ma’am, this is the city morgue.”

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Machines 1, Humanity -16

, , | Right | September 24, 2009

(It’s fifteen minutes before our law firm opens, and the phone has been ringing constantly. We normally let it go to the answering machine, but I decide to pick up since this caller obviously wants to talk to someone.)

Me: “[Law Firm], how can I help you today?”

Caller: “Your d*** law firm only has machines! I can’t ever talk to a real person! Why is that?!”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re not open until 8:30 am. I just picked up the phone a little early since you kept calling. Also, I’m not a machine.”

Caller: “Well, you tell the real people when they come in that they’re not getting my business!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am a real person. I can help you. Please, just let me have your name and I’ll look you up in our system.”

Caller: “You d*** machines! I’m not giving you s***! When I finally talk to a real person, I’m going to let them have it!” *hangs up*

 

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Not Quite An Open And Shut Case

, , | Right | September 11, 2008

Caller: “Hi, I bought a DVD here earlier today, but I can’t get it out of the case. ”

Me: “All right, is it a new or pre-owned DVD?”

(Our pre-owned DVDs are all locked with a piece of red plastic that has to be removed before they leave the store.)

Caller: “I don’t know. It was, like, $7.”

Me: “Well, we have both pre-owned and new movies at that price. Is the case wrapped in plastic?”

Caller: “Well, there’s plastic on it.”

Me: “All right, you’ll need to take the plastic off of the case.”

Caller: “That won’t break it?”

Me: “If the case is wrapped in transparent plastic, you are going to need to remove all of that plastic first.”

Caller: “How? I don’t want to break it.”

Me: “Okay. You’ll need to remove the plastic wrap. If you have problems, get a pair of scissors or a knife and use that to cut open the plastic, and then take it off the case.”

Caller: “Okay, but it still won’t open.”

Me: “Are there any stickers covering the sides of the case?”

Caller: “Yes. There’s one on the top. ”

Me: “You’ll need to pull that off.”

Caller: “The case still won’t open, though. I don’t want to break it.”

Me: “Are there any other stickers on the case?”

Caller: “No. Well, there’s one of the left side that looks like the one on the top.”

Me: “Right. You’ll have to remove that. And any other stickers that look like it.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. But it’s still not opening.”

Me: “Any other stickers or plastic wrap?”

Caller: “No!”

Me: “Okay… tell me, what does the case look like?”

Caller: “Well, there’s the side of the case that says the name of the movie and then there’s a black side that looks like the top and bottom.”

Me: “And what side are you trying to open? The black side?”

Caller: “No! The side with the title! Why isn’t it opening?”

Me: “Okay. I want you to put the case down on a table or something. Okay? Now. Put the case face up, like a book, with the front of the case facing you. Okay? Now. Go to the RIGHT side of the case, with the two black pieces of plastic–”

Caller: “Not the left side?”

Me: “No. NOT the left side. The RIGHT side.”

Caller: “So not the side with the title?”

Me: “No. The RIGHT side. Now. Pull the RIGHT side open.”

Caller: “It isn’t working!”

Me: “Are you opening the RIGHT side?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Try the RIGHT side.”

Caller: “Oh… Thanks. They shouldn’t make these so hard to open, you know!” *click*

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One Last Parting Shot, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 20, 2008

Me: Thank you for calling [Tech Support]. How may I assist you?

Customer: “Yes! Finally! There is something wrong with my cellphone.”

Me: “All right, ma’am. I’ll be more than glad to help you with that. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I can’t call out.”

Me: “Ma’am, it appears that everything is working just fine from both ends. What exactly is happening when you try to call out from your phone?”

Customer: “Absolutely nothing! Jesus, are you stupid! I already told you that.”

Me: “Right… let’s try this: turn your phone off and then back on. Maybe you just need to reset it.”

Customer: *resets phone* “Okay, that’s done… and it’s still not working.”

Me: “This is very strange. I can’t imagine why it would not be working. Try this for me, dial a number out and let’s see if you get an error message now that the phone has been reset.”

Customer: “You stupid little b****! THERE IS NO F***ING DIAL TONE!”

Me: “Erm, excuse me?”

Customer: “How can I dial a number if I don’t have a dial tone?”

Me: “Ma’am, the phone you’re using is wireless. It’s not going to have a dial tone.”

Customer: “You really think I’m that stupid? My last cell phone had a dial tone!”

Me: “I assure you, it did not.”

Customer: “Listen to me, I have been around a lot longer than you. I think I know how to work a g**d*** phone! Who the h*** do you think you are?!”

Me: “Humor me, please! Just dial a number, any number and see what happens when you hit send.”

Customer: “Whatever!” *presses buttons on phone*

(She has the phone on speaker, and I can obviously hear that the call has gone through.)

Customer: “Well… I… the last… F*** YOU!” *click

 

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The Lost And Take Whatever I Want

, , | Right | April 7, 2008

Caller: “Hi, I lost my cellphone this weekend. I was wondering if you’d found it?”

Me: “Well, maybe. What does it look like?”

Caller: “It’s a black Nokia; orange on the sides.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but your phone is not here.”

Caller: “Oh. Well… can I come by and just, like, take another one?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “Well, you know, since I’ve lost my phone and all, and it’s not like the phones you have is anyone’s property…”

Me: “Ehm… well… how would you feel if I gave your phone away to someone else?”

Caller: *silence* “Well that would be kinda rude.”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: *more silence* *click*

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