The ‘Feeling’ Is Mutual

, , | Healthy | November 21, 2017

(I’ve had some pain for several weeks, but recently had a medical test that found nothing wrong. After telling me this result, the doctor left and sent me on my way without any recommendations about how to feel better. I was frustrated so I asked her assistant to have the doctor call me back as soon as possible. I don’t get the call for a few days, and when the doctor finally does call, she sounds annoyed and uninterested.)

Doctor: *on the phone* “So there’s really nothing I can do for you. This sort of thing happens to everyone as they get older…” *stops listening to me and launches into a long standard spiel about aging and health*

Me: *struggling to get a word in edgewise, I finally have an idea* “So, how are you feeling?”

Doctor: “Wha… what?”

Me: *trying not to laugh at how I finally stopped her in her tracks* “I said, how are you feeling?”

Doctor: “You… you’re not supposed to ask me that! I’m supposed to tell you what to do!”

Me: “Well, you must feel one way or another. You are human, right?”

Doctor: *speechless*

(When she finally got her brain back on track, she humbly recommended a doctor at a different hospital who might actually be able to help me!)

Kept That Stone Rolling All Night

, , , , , | Right | November 20, 2017

(I work in a wake-up call company. We provide wake-up calls for hotels, and for independent people who schedule wake-up calls to make sure they can catch their planes, etc. We also provide these kinds of calls to old people to remind them to take their pills, or for their varying appointments, etc. I work night shifts, and I am alone in the call center when the phone rings.)

Me: “Wake-up call service. How can I help you?”

Caller: “That was a good show, dude!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “The show was awesome, man! I loved it!”

Me: “Sir, you’re calling a wake-up call company; I think you might have the wrong number.”

Caller: “No, dude, Mick gave us the number to call him!”

(At this point, I’m starting to realize this guy is coming back from a Rolling Stones concert in the same state where I live, and is high as f***. Since I don’t have any calls to make for another 20 minutes, I decide to play along with it.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’d be happy to help you, but I need to know who you want to speak to.”

Caller: “Is this Mick Jagger? Dude, you’re so cool, man! Hey, where are you? We left the show like five minutes ago.”

Me: “You wish to speak with Mick Jagger? Just hold on for a second; I’ll patch him through.”

(I put him on hold, go on [Video Website] to look at a Mick Jagger interview for two minutes, and come back with my not-so-good Mick Jagger voice.)

Me: “Hello, who is this?”

Caller: “Mick? Holy s***! I’m on the phone with Mick Jagger. Dude, the show was soooo awesome! I’m your biggest fan! Mick, tell me when your next show is; I’ll follow you!”

Me: “Okay, son, what is your name?”

Caller: “I’m [Caller]!”

Me: “Okay, [Caller], leave me a phone number and I’ll make sure to call to tell you when my next show is. Now, I have to go back to sleep; I’m tired.”

Caller: “Yeah, cool, okay! My phone number is [number].”

Me: “Okay, I’ll make sure to call you tomorrow and give you my next show date!”

Caller: “Thanks, man. You’re the f***** best!” *click*

(The guy called about six hours later, completely sober, and told me he saw our number on his phone and was wondering why he called our company. I explained everything, and he laughed his ass off and apologized. I realized he lived about 45 minutes away from me and we decided to meet, and we became friends for about a year before I shipped off to college.)

Free To Hear Whatever You Want To Hear

, , , | Working | November 9, 2017

(I decide Wednesday night to buy a pizza on my way home. This place does only pickup or delivery, no tables. I stand looking at the menu and choosing my order when one of the employees answers the phone.)

Employee #1: “[Employee #2]? They want to talk to you. Something about free pizzas.”

(Out of curiosity, I listen as the coworker takes the call. It turns out to be someone ordering in advance for a huge group of kids on Friday night.)

Employee #2: “She said, ‘thirty-THREE’, not, ‘thirty FREE’!”

Giving You The 411 On Your Scam

, , , | Right | November 7, 2017

(I work as a telephone operator. We have routing and billing issues where if an operator transfers a customer to directory we are unable to bill the call, so when we get a call requesting transfer we will instruct the customer to dial 411. This weakness is quickly discovered by customers, and we get many requests for transfer, which we are to refuse and give dialing instructions, instead.)

Customer: “I want to be transferred to directory.”

Me: “Please hang up and dial 411 for directory assistance.”

Customer: “114?” *obviously engaging in social engineering*

Me: “411, sir.”

Customer: “144?”

Me: “Actually, sir, there is not much point in you calling directory, anyway.”

Customer: “Why do you say that?”

Me: “They will give you a seven-digit number. You seem to be unable to get a three-digit number correct.”

Customer: “F*** you!” *click*

My Boyfriend The Arsonist

, , , , | Romantic | November 6, 2017

(I’m on the phone with my boyfriend.)

Me: “Hey.”

Boyfriend: “Hey. How are you?”

Me: “I’m good. How’re you?”

Boyfriend: “I’m— OH, S***! HANG ON A SECOND!”

Me: “What? Okay?”

Boyfriend: *after a moment* “Okay, I’m back.”

Me: “Okay? What happened?”

Boyfriend: “I started a fire.”

Me: “What? Are you okay?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I put it out. It’s fine.”

Me: “What happened?”

Boyfriend: “I turned on the wrong burner and that burner had a bunch of napkins on it.”

Me: “You turned on the burner without clearing it first?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, but it’s okay. I put it out.”

Me: “Are the napkins still on the stove?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Move them, right now! In fact, clear the stove top of everything you’re not heating up, right now!”

Boyfriend: “But it’s [Roommate]’s things and—”

Me: “I DON’T F****** CARE! CLEAR IT ALL OFF THE STOVE TOP, RIGHT NOW!”

Boyfriend: “Okay! I’m on it!” *after a moment* “Okay. It’s done.”

Me: “Good. It’s better to touch [Roommate]’s things without permission than to set [Roommate]’s things on fire.”

Boyfriend: “Good point.”

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