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Better Than A Grizzly Bear Or Something

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2021

I’m texting a friend.

Me: “Hey, man, sorry I missed your call. I was running.”

Friend: “Running? From whom?”

Me: “Uh… my winter weight?”

Friend: “Okay, fair enough.”

Could’ve Been A Much Worse Phone Call

, , , , , | Related | September 4, 2021

One of the few rules set in stone when we were young was: don’t drink and drive and don’t get in a car with a drunk driver. To enable us to stick to the rule, especially the latter part, my parents accepted the fact that they sometimes had to act as a taxi; we lived in a rural area with limited service by public transport and none whatsoever after 9:00 pm. This was a time before cell phones and when public phones were still plenty.

Two of my brothers had asked my parents one New Year’s Eve to collect them after the party. No curfew was given, and as my parents did not expect my brothers to call before early morning, they went to bed after welcoming the New Year. They were awoken in the early morning by fumbling at the door and my dad went to investigate. To his surprise, my brothers tumbled inside. When they made their next appearance, a few hours later and carefully nursing a hangover, my father got curious and inquired as to why they hadn’t called for him to come and pick them up.

Brother: *A bit sulky* “We did call! Why didn’t you pick up the phone?”

Dad: *Surprised* “But we never received a call. It was quiet all night until you tried to fit the key in the door.”

Those that were home that night confirmed that no phone call had disturbed the peace of the night. This went on a bit, to and fro, my brother insisting he called, my dad insisting that no call came through.

Dad: “So you called. Did you call the correct number?”

Brother: *Indignant* “Of course, I did.”

He recited the number while mimicking composing the number on a push dial.

Brother: “…five, six.” *Moving his finger downward*

Dad: “Wait. Can you do that again?”

My brother repeated himself with exaggerated movements, again going down from five to six.

Dad: “So you did five, six?”

He repeated the same downward motion.

Brother: “Yes!”

Dad: “That is not six you dialed but eight.”

Brother: “No way! But it rang!”

And yes, he did check the placement of the numbers on our extension. 

Dad: “Luckily, nobody was home. A nice night they would have with you calling them again and again, thinking you called home!”

We had a good laugh about it and my brothers had a nice walk home. It was about an hour in normal conditions, but the road they had to take was a dangerous one on foot (no sidewalk) and at night. Still, they arrived in one piece and probably walked off some of the alcohol, and we have one more tale to tell.

They Didn’t Meet The Bar (Mitzvah)

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: I_want_max | September 1, 2021

My bar mitzvah is coming up. In my synagogue, capacity is limited right now. I want to invite my best friend and his family. I am super tight with his family and we’re basically brothers; we’ve been friends since kindergarten. My mom is talking with my great aunt about it over the phone.

Great Aunt: “Oh, that means that you have three spots if [Best Friend] and his family don’t come, and since they’re not family, [Great Aunt’s Daughter] and her two daughters should come, instead.”

Mom: “What? We don’t even talk to them that much anymore. Why should they come instead of [My Name]’s best friend and his family?”

Great Aunt: “The girls haven’t gone out in sooooooo long, and they would love to see [My Name] becoming a man.”

Mom: “They can watch over video call like the other 100 people who can’t come due to the health crisis.”

Great Aunt: “This isn’t fair! My babies are more important than your stupid kid’s best friend and his family.”

Mom: “Fine. They can all come if they get the vaccine.”

Great Aunt: “What?! Vaccines cause cancer and autism! Everyone is lying about the crisis! It’s fake!”

Mom: “Okay. If that’s how you feel about it, you won’t have a problem with them not coming.” *Hangs up*

What’s Mine Is NOT Yours

, , , , , , | Related | CREDIT: maddmoiselle_1 | August 29, 2021

My cousin is a single mother who lives with her elderly parents. Her daughter, age five, was exposed to someone with a certain contagious illness and is now starting to show symptoms. My cousin calls me.

Cousin: “Is there a possibility that you could go stay with your parents for two weeks so I can isolate with [Her Daughter] in your house?”

Going to my parents would mean having to put in leave at work. She can afford a guesthouse, and even if she couldn’t, our government actually provides accommodations for cases like this. I point this out.

Cousin: “Going to such a place would be restrictive to my dearest baby, and she would just die without a proper TV and Wi-Fi. And your backyard is so nice and big; we would love to use the pool during the hot summer days. And since your parents are elderly, they could probably use your help for two weeks.”

Believe me, they don’t want me there, and I have health conditions that would make the illness deadly for me if I caught it. I gave her a swift no.

Auntie Needs To Chill Out

, , , , , , | Related | CREDIT: Scarlet-absol13 | August 28, 2021

In early December, my father came down with a mild case of viral pneumonia. He took medication and rested for a week or so and felt better, so we thought that was that. Fast forward to two days before Christmas. My father relapsed, badly, and was admitted to the hospital with bacterial pneumonia and a lung abscess. He spent five days in the hospital and was basically on strict rest orders for most of January. He was released on December 28th, and we got our first major snowstorm on January 4th. We must have gotten about a foot and a half of snow.

That evening, we got a call from my aunt, who lives with my grandmother. My father had the phone on speaker, so I heard the entire conversation.

Aunt: “Hi, [Father].”

Father: “Hi, [Aunt].”

Aunt: “Mom and I want to know when you’re going to come to shovel our driveway.”

Father: “[Aunt], you’re going to have to figure something out. I can’t come shovel your driveway.”

Aunt: “What do you mean, you can’t come shovel our driveway?!

Father: “[Aunt], I got out of the hospital for a lung abscess a week ago. I’m not allowed to do anything physically strenuous for the entire month.”

Aunt: “But our driveway isn’t very big. It only ever seems to take you half an hour or so.”

Father: “[Aunt], I get winded just walking up my staircase. I’m not allowed to even go to work for another two weeks. I can’t shovel your driveway.”

Aunt: “Even with that snowblower I bought a few years ago?”

Father: “That snowblower you bought barely works and makes shoveling harder. So, no, not even with the snowblower.”

Aunt: “But I have somewhere to be tomorrow. Couldn’t you just shovel out where my car is?”

Father: “No. Get one of your friends to do it, because I medically can’t.”

Aunt: “You know that the friend who used to do that stuff for me recently had half his leg amputated and can’t do stuff like that anymore.”

Father: “You understand that your friend can’t because he has a medical condition, so why can’t you understand that I also can’t do it because I also have a medical condition at the moment? Where’s Mom? Let me talk to her.”

Grandmother: “Hello, [Father], how are you feeling?”

Father: “I’m doing okay. Could you please tell my sister that I can’t shovel your driveway because I’m on rest orders?”

Grandmother: *To my aunt* “WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I THOUGHT I F****** TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL YOUR BROTHER, YOU DIPS***! HE JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL! IF YOU WANT THE DRIVEWAY SHOVELED SO BADLY, DO IT YOURSELF!” *Pauses* “NO, NO! NO, I’M NOT ASKING YOUR BROTHER IF HIS SON CAN COME DO IT! NO, I DON’T CARE! DO IT YOURSELF!” *To my father* “I’m sorry, [Father]. Have a good night and feel better. I’ll deal with your idiot sister.”

Father: “Thanks, Mom. Good night.”

My father made a full recovery with no adverse effects from the illness. I was reminded of this story because just this week my aunt called my father in the middle of a snowstorm asking him to run to the market for her because she needed cigarettes. You’ll be happy to know my father refused.


This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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