Starter For Ten

, , , , | Right | February 5, 2018

Patient: “I wanted to give you my new number.”

Employee #1: “Okay, whenever you’re ready.”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu* “[Number], [number], [number], four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “Uh, can you give that to me again? I think we have an extra digit in there.”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu again* “[Number], [number], [number], four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “Okay, you’re giving me eight digits. Can you just read me out the actual numbers?”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu again* “Uh, I have to get to it again! [Number], [number], [number], four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “That’s still eight digits.”

Employee #2: “Why don’t you try calling us and we’ll see if it pops up on the caller ID?”

Patient: *fumbling with phone* “I don’t think I have any minutes!”

Employee #1: “Do you want me to take a look at the screen and see if I can figure it out?”

Patient: *navigates through phone menu AGAIN*  “Okay, it’s [number], [number], [number], five, four, six, one, ten.”

Employee #1: “Now that’s nine digits.”

Patient: “Let me write it down!”

(The patient wrote down [number], [number], [number], four, six, one, zero.)

Not So Happy Hunting

, , , , | Romantic | February 2, 2018

(I’m out hunting with my sisters and brother, and after night’s fallen and we’re all in for the evening, I call my boyfriend to say goodnight. A friend of his comes up in conversation, and he mentions that she’s become a vegan.)

Boyfriend: “…which would be pretty cool, except that she’s decided her being a vegan means that her boyfriend now has to get rid of the new leather couch they bought together.”

Me: “Oof. I can’t picture him being too happy about that; he was super excited to finally get that couch.”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, when I talked to her yesterday, they were still fighting about it. She and I are grabbing lunch tomorrow; I’m sure I’ll hear all about how unreasonable he’s being.”

Me: “Well, good luck, and tell her hi from me!”

Boyfriend: “Will do!”

Me: “Maybe don’t tell her I’m currently out hunting, though.”

And This Person Is Trusted To Read Road Signs?

, , , , , | Right | January 29, 2018

(I own an online auto parts store, and this is a common phone call that I get every day.)

Me: “[Auto Parts Store].”

Customer: “Hi, I saw your ad online for car part and was wondering if you have it in stock.”

Me: “Was there a ‘buy it now’ button?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Then it’s in stock.”

Customer: “Does it fit a 2005?”

Me: “What does it say in the heading?”

Customer: “2004 through 2007.”

Me: “Yes, it fits a 2005.”

Customer: “How much are you asking for it?”

Me: “How much does it say on the listing?”

Customer: “$35.”

Me: “$35.”

Customer: “Will you take $30?”

Me: “Sure.”

Customer: “Okay, I’m not even sure if that’s the problem I have with the car. I’ll find out, and if it turns out I need this part, I’ll be in touch with you.” *click*

Me: “…”

Fifth Time’s The Charm

, , , , , | Learning | January 28, 2018

(Every year, my college does a fundraising push to the alumni. The following story summarizes my first four years of calls after graduating. Year One:)

Student #1: “Hi! I’m calling with [College], and we just want to update all your information in our system. We also want to talk to you about making a donation to your alma mater.”

Me: “But I just graduated a couple of months ago. I don’t even have a full time job yet!”

Student #1: “So, are you interested in making a donation?”

Me: “What do you think?”

Student #1: “Is that a no?”

Me: *heavy sigh* “It’s definitely a no.”

Student #1: “Have you considered how this will effect my education? Most [College] students benefit from scholarships that are funded by alumni.”

Me: “Did you hear me say that I don’t have a full-time job yet? I have no money!”

(It continues like this for five minutes until I just hang up. Year Two:)

Student #2: “Hi, I’m calling from [College], and we’re calling today to talk to you about investing in our future–”

Me: “I’m going to stop you for a second. I have a job this year, but I’m still paying off my student loans to get my degree, and I will be for a long time. So, I’ll answer all your questions if you put me on the Do Not Call list for next year.”

Student #2: “I can do that. Thank you! Most people just hang up.”

(Year Three:)

Student #3: “Hi, I’m calling from [College]. How are you today?”

Me: “Is this a fundraising push?”

Student #3: “No, of course not! We’re calling to update your information.”

Me: “Uh-huh. What do you need to update?”

Student #3: “Um… your phone number.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Student #3: “And I’m here to talk to you about donating to the alumni fund!”

Me: “Okay. Stop. Read my record. What does it say?”

Student #3: ”It says, ‘Do Not Call.’ Oh…” *hangs up*

(Year Four:)

Student #4: “I’m calling to talk to you about donating to the alumni fund!”

Me: “Again? Do y’all even read alumni notes before you call? What does my record say?”

Student #4: “But it’s for a good cause!”

Me: ”I asked nicely for y’all to stop, and you won’t. I’m still paying off my degree. Stop calling me. Do you understand?”

Student #4: “But it will help other students!”

Me: *click*

(The phone rings again. I pick it up.)

Me:  “Look, I know most kids who attend [College] are wealthy and can donate a lot. I AM NOT WEALTHY! I took out student loans to get a good education. I am still paying those loans off. STOP CALLING ME.” *click*

(It’s Year Five. I haven’t gotten any calls this year.)

Annoying Customer Phone Home

, , , , , | Right | January 18, 2018

(This happens over the phone.)

Customer: “Is [Coworker #1] working today?”

Me: “No, sorry, he’s not, but [Coworker #2] is. Would you like me to get him?”

Customer: “No, it needs to be [Coworker #1].”

Me: “Hmm. Well, he doesn’t work today. But all the electronics associates know the same stuff, so if you have a question, I’m sure [Coworker #2] can help you.”

Customer: “Nooooo! It has to be [Coworker #1]!”

Me: “Well, he’s off today, so you’ll have to call back, or come into the store tomorrow, or something. Sorry about that.”

Customer: “What am I going to doooo?”

Me: “You can wait until tomorrow, or you can talk to someone else.”

Customer: “But I can’t wait until tomorrow!”

Me: “Then, I will get another electronics associate for you.”

Customer: “Nooo! It has to be [Coworker #1]! Can you just call him at home?”

Me: “Um, no. No, I can’t call him at home.”

Customer: “Can you give me his number so I can call him at home?”

Me: “No, I can’t do that.”

Customer:Ugh! Fine, I’ll call back tomorrow!”

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