Dr. McCoy Will Be Right Over

, , , , , | Working | August 29, 2017

(I have been vomiting all morning and decide I am not well enough for work. I phone in sick.)

Me: “Hi, it’s [My Name]. I’ve been throwing up all morning and I’m not going to be able to come in.”

Manager: “Aww, that’s a poor excuse.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Manager: “Can’t you come up with something more exciting?”

Me: “Like what? I’ve just chest-burst a Xenomorph and now I’m fleeing for my life as Spock and Jack O’Neill try to kill it?”

Manager: “Oooooooh, sounds dangerous! When’s your next shift?”

Me: “Monday. Hopefully I’ll be better by then.”

Manager: Perfect! Good luck with the aliens, and let me know if you need the Millennium Falcon to drop by!” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*

(I asked about it when I got back, and learned it’s a game that management plays. Whoever comes up with the best excuse in the year gets vouchers to use in the store, and as this was my first time being sick, I didn’t know. Sadly I only got second place that year, but now I keep a book of outlandish stories that I make up, so the next time, I’m ready!)

Video Games Are So Much More Immersive These Days

, , , , , | Related | August 24, 2017

(I am trying to get hold of my boyfriend to rearrange a date we had that evening. His mobile is being repaired so I am phoning his house. His younger brother [five years old] seems intent on answering the phone every time I try. I’m losing patience as he doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that it ends the call when you hang up. I have phoned several times already and my boyfriend hasn’t appeared, so I’m assuming that either his brother isn’t telling him or he is out. I try a different tactic.)

Me: “Hello? Is that [Brother] again? This is [Boyfriend]’s friend again. Would you mind putting your mum on?”

Brother: “Hello, [My Name]. I think she’s busy, but I’ll try.” *hangs up*

(I phone again.)

Me: “Hello—”

Brother: “She’s busy. She’s playing in the bathroom. It sounds like she dropped her PlayStation controller.”

Me: “Controller?”

Brother: “It’s shaking!”

(I realise what’s going and politely hang up and just decide to leave the matter completely. Half an hour later, his mum calls me and agrees to pass on my message. Later on our date, I told him the story and he went so white I thought he would pass out, but by the end he laughing hysterically.)

Ask Your Dad For A Not-So-Smart Phone

, , , , | Friendly | August 22, 2017

(I’ve found a mobile phone in the car park of a major shopping centre. I look through the contacts and find one named “Dad”.)

Me: “Hi, I’m just letting you know that I’ve found one of your kids’ mobile phones.”

Father: “How do you know it’s my kid’s phone?”

Me: “This number was under ‘Dad’ in the contacts.”

Father: “Oh, okay, so what do you want me for?”

Me: “I just wanted to tell you that I’m handing the phone into the centre management of [Major Shopping Centre].”

Father: “Never heard of it.”

Me: “It’s in [Suburb].”

Father: “What would my kids be there for? Are you sure it’s their phone?”

Me: “Uh, yes, unless someone else has put your number under ‘Dad’ on their phone.”

Father: “I don’t understand what you want. My kid would never go there.”

Me: “I’m letting you know where the phone is so someone knows and it can be picked up.”

Father: “I don’t understand how you think it’s one of my kid’s phones.”

Me: “I’ve already told you, why not just ask them if they’ve lost one?”

Father: *getting angry at me* “But which kid, can’t you tell me?”

Me: “You know what? I’m telling you where the phone is going to be and am done with this. You can pick it up or not, I don’t care.” *hangs up*

That’s Not How You Kill Bill

, , | Related | August 21, 2017

(My husband always calls my mother-in-law at least three times a week since she lives so far away. He is usually met with the answering machine and always leaves a message. My mother-in-law calls on Thursday.)

Mother-In-Law: “You never call and always ignore me and leave me out of your life.”

Husband: “I call all the time and leave messages because you are never home.”

Mother-In-Law: “My house phone isn’t working.”

Husband: “I wasn’t aware.”

Mother-In-Law: “Since the handset isn’t working I don’t need to pay my bill.”

Me: *face-palm*

Measuring Cup Overflowing With Bad Advice

, , | Related | August 7, 2017

(I don’t make a lot of money, but I also live fairly simply. However, if something inexpensive breaks, I usually replace it right away, especially if it’s something I use frequently. The most recent case of that is my ancient hand-me-down set of measuring cups, which I replace with a sturdier set. My parents are both horrendously bad at money management. They’ve always tried to live beyond their means. The recession forced them to spend a little less for a while, but now they’re back to living the credit-card-funded high life. They have no plans for retirement. I know I’m going to end up supporting them when they retire, so I’m saving as much as I can. I never eat out, I buy all my clothes second-hand, and I haven’t gone on a vacation in years. I get upset at my parents sometimes when they spend extravagantly instead of paying off debts or saving for retirement. On the phone one day, my mom and I are talking about Christmas, and she wants to know what to get me.)

Me: “Sorry, Mom, I can’t think of anything right now. Usually when I need something, I just buy it.”

Mom: *gasp* “You shouldn’t do that! You’ll go into debt buying things frivolously all the time.”

Me: “I said need, not want. You know, like last week, when I bought those measuring cups.”

Mom: “Well, maybe you should have saved those for Christmas.”

Me: “I use them nearly every day, Mom. Christmas is months away.”

Mom: “I’m sure you could make do. And if you can’t, you could always just eat at restaurants or get frozen dinners for a while.”

Me: “Seriously? You think I should spend a ton of money on restaurant food, just so I can save a few dollars on cooking equipment? You know that makes no sense, right? And also, you’re not really someone who can give financial advice.”

Mom: “And what do you mean by that?”

Me: “Really, Mom?”

Mom: “What? I’ll have you know I’ve done very well for myself. I have a great job, a nice house, a new car…”

Me: “Yes, you do. And you also have a mountain of credit card debt, you owe more on that house than it’s worth, you lost your entire retirement savings in the recession and have done nothing to rebuild it, and just last month, you took out a loan to buy a brand new RV.”

Mom: “Well, that’s different. The RV was necessary.”

Me: “Um… why?”

Mom: “The neighbors got one, so we had to get a better one.”

Me: *stunned silence*

Me: “Are you even going to use it? You don’t like camping.”

Mom: “Sure we will. Once we get a nice big-screen TV and a satellite dish in there, it’ll be just like home.”

Me: “You paid all that money so you could drive into the woods and then sit in the comfort of an air-conditioned RV and do exactly what you do at home?”

Mom: “It sounds bad when you put it like that, but you should’ve seen [Neighbor]’s face when I pulled it into the driveway. It was priceless!”

Me: “Priceless? I was under the impression it cost you $100,000.”

(She got mad at me for that and hung up on me. Somehow, she still has no idea why she’s not my foremost source of financial advice.)

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