Screaming Your Lungs Out

, , , , , , | Right | December 4, 2017

(Despite the fact that we are a retail shipping center, NOT actually [Major Shipping Company], we get a high volume of callers who think we are the shipping company and want us to locate their packages. The following conversation happens over the phone.)

Customer: “I was supposed to receive my new phone from [Phone Company] by 3:00 pm today, and it’s already after 3:00!”

(It’s only about 2:45.)

Me: “Was the item shipped out from our store here in [Location]?”

Customer: “No! It was shipped from [Phone Company]! Are you listening to me?!”

Me: “If it wasn’t shipped out from our store, unfortunately, there is nothing I can do for you. We don’t have anything to do with the drivers or deliveries. I can give you [Shipping Company]’s customer service number, though, and they should be able to help you.”

Customer:I need my phone! I have a rare lung condition and my lungs are suffocating me alive!”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. Do you have a pen and paper to write down that number?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a God-d**** f****** pen or paper. Now you’re going to make me go find those WHILE I’M DYING BECAUSE I’M BEING SUFFOCATED BY MY LUNGS! F****** ridiculous! And I can’t find a pen, so now I have to use a piece of s*** marker. I have a lung disease!”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry to hear that. So that number is 1-800—”

(At this point, I’ve got the phone an arm’s length away and can still hear him clearly.)

Customer: *screaming into the phone* “I CAN’T CALL AN 800 NUMBER! I’M BEING SUFFOCATED AND I CAN’T CALL 9-1-1 WITHOUT MY NEW PHONE!”

Me: “I cannot locate your phone for you. Let me give you the customer service number and tell you how to get a live person, and they should be able to help you.”

Customer: “FINE! Give me the f****** phone number so I can call them about my new phone!”

(I give the customer the number and tell them how to get a hold of a live person.)

Customer: “I’m probably going to die before I get my new phone, thanks to you! Now I have to call someplace else, and I can’t even call 9-1-1 because I don’t have new phone to do it with! I AM SUFFOCATING ALIVE BECAUSE I HAVE A RARE LUNG DISEASE AND YOU DON’T CARE THAT I CAN’T CALL FOR HELP! I AM GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I CAN’T CALL 9-1-1!”

Me: “I really hope you’re able to get the phone situation resolved soon, sir. Good luck and have a great rest of the day.”

Some Of Your Clients Are Ice Cold

, , , , , | Right | November 24, 2017

(I take incoming calls at my office and direct them as needed. There are times I will take my lunch at the desk and answer calls. This is one of those days, and I have just sat back down with a hot meal when the phone rings.)

Me: “[Office], how can I help you?”

Client: “Hi, this is [Client].” *pauses* “I just noticed the time! Are you on your lunch break?”

Me: “I am; I just sat down, actually.” *laughs* “This gives my food time to cool off; it’s fresh from the microwave. How can I help you, [Client]?”

(She spends 50 minutes asking me questions, sometimes repetitive ones that I’ve already answered in length, before she finally winds down. I have gone from pleasant to agitated with time, because I’m hungry and my lunch break is almost over.)

Client: *sounding gleeful* “I bet your food is ice cold now, isn’t it?”

Me: “It is.”

Client: *laughs and hangs up*

Defeated By A Two-Year-Old

, , , , , | Working | November 23, 2017

(My home has been plagued with the same telemarketer over and over the past few weeks. They tend to call around the time my two-year-old daughter is napping, waking her up every time. Despite trying everything to get them to stop, and being on the do-not-call list, they keep going. They’ve just done it again, and I have had it. I am enjoying a cup of coffee when the phone rings.)

Me: “Oh, son of a b****.”

Daughter: *wakes up screaming and crying*

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hello! I’m calling about a survey. Is this a good time?”

Me: “I don’t know; you tell me.”

(I take the phone over to my daughter’s crib and place it in there. I can hear the telemarketer swearing when they hear my daughter crying. I pick the phone back up.)

Me: “You call every single day at this time. I have told you repeatedly that you are waking up my child, that we want to be removed from your list, and that we are actually on the do-not-call list. From now on, if you call at this time, or ever, you will hear my daughter either babbling away or crying. It’s your choice.”

Telemarketer: “We’re so sorry. You have been removed.”

Me: “Thank you.”

(We’ll see if we really were removed.)

Giving Voice To Their Concerns

, , , , , | Working | November 22, 2017

(I’m being called by our phone, cable, and Internet provider. They want to advertise their new package, probably in hopes of increase our payment. But I’m fine with what we have and refuse to change, especially to pay more for nothing useful to us. Everything is all right, until he tries to close.)

Caller: “And did I speak to Madame or her daughter?”

(I then decide, that, despite being the daughter, I’m the caregiver of my parents — meaning I pay bills, negotiate contract, etc — and that being 39 years old is old enough to be titled Madame.)

Me: “It’s Madame.”

Caller: “You have a really young voice.”

Me: *cheerful* “Oh, thank you!”

Caller: *almost angry* “No, you sound really young.”

Me: “Okay? Thanks?”

Caller: “No! It’s not a compliment.” *hangs up*

The Older Have Less Time

, , , | Right | November 22, 2017

(I am conducting customer interviews for a local mall, by phone. Note that I have to ask the age of the interviewees so we don’t get too many answers from our older customers.)

Customer: “Hi!”

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Company]!”


Me: “We are conducting customer interviews regarding malls. Would you have the time to answer a few questions?”

Customer: “I guess I do.”

Me: “Okay, may I first ask your age?”

Customer: “I don’t have the time, bye.” *hangs up*

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