I work as a concierge in a popular beach resort. My job is to call people two weeks before arrival to offer assistance with their stay. Most calls are normal enough, but I have a list of interactions I call the “Why would you even answer?” list.

Guest #1: “I’m at the movie theater. I’ll give you a call later.”

Guest #2: “Sorry, I can’t talk right now; I’m driving a motorcycle.”

Guest #3: “I’m actually at my wedding reception right now. Can I call you back?”

Guest #4: *After chatting for a few minutes* “Do you mind if we finish up another time? I’m at Disney World with my family and my kid keeps pestering me to get on another ride.”

But the most baffling one of all time is this one. We were on the call for twelve minutes at this point. He was just chatting about his life, not even utilizing the service, and then he hits me with:

Guest #5: “Well, I should probably get back to work now. I’m a doctor and I was supposed to be making my rounds. I should probably check on my patients. Thanks for the call!”

Seriously, people, just let it go to voicemail!

Related:
Voicemail Fail, Part 6
Voicemail Fail, Part 5
Voicemail Fail, Part 4
Voicemail Fail, Part 3
Voicemail Fail, Part 2

My boyfriend and I are flying out to a wedding. Due to circumstances, we are on separate bookings though we are on the same flight. We have booked through a popular travel site for a flight on [Airline #1] that is a codeshare with [Airline #2].

This causes some trouble when it comes time to check in the day before. The code that the travel site has given is not working on [Airline #1]’s site, which says to check in on [Airline #2], which is also not accepting it. A call to [Airline #2] says they are quite busy and offers to do a virtual hold with a call back in three hours.

I decide to try calling [Airline #1] and get through within ten minutes. They immediately understand the code problem, give me an appropriate code for [Airline #2], and stay with me to make sure I can use it on [Airline #2]’s website, which I can.

I then text the boyfriend to remind him to check in.

Me: “Did you get [Airline #2]’s confirmation number? And when checking in on [Airline #2]’s website, you may want to put in [FirstName MiddleName] for the first name.”

Boyfriend: “I’m having issues checking in. I called [Airline #2]. They’ll call me back in three hours.”

Me: “It’s probably that the confirmation number you have is a [Travel Site] number, not [Airline #2]. Call [Airline #1]. They are faster and can give you the [Airline #2] number.”

Boyfriend: “I tried to check in with [Airline #1]. It says please verify your itinerary and check in with [Airline #2]. WTF?!”

I call him directly.

Me: “Is there a reason why you aren’t listening? Call [Airline #1].”

Boyfriend: “But [Airline #1] is telling me to check in with [Airline #2].”

Me: “Yes, I know. It’s a codeshare. Call [Airline #1].”

Boyfriend: “But [Airline #2] is going to call me back in three hours.”

Me: “I know. It was the same with me. Call [Airline #1].”

Boyfriend: “But—”

Me: “CALL [AIRLINE #1]. We bought tickets with one company for an airline that is codesharing with another airline. They should be talking to each other, but for whatever reason, they aren’t. CALL [AIRLINE #1]. You’ll get through in a few minutes, they’ll give you [Airline 2]’s confirmation code, and they’ll even stay on the line with you to make sure it’s working. You may want to use [FirstName MiddleName] for the first name when entering your information.”

He finally managed to get checked in.

My grandmother recently fell and things are looking grim. It will probably be a matter of days. Despite my dad being her son, she didn’t appoint him as “next of kin.” Instead, my grandmother appointed her daughter as the first point of contact. This is fine; she could only list one and she had a great relationship with her daughter.

My grandmother passes at 6:00 am. My dad is a volunteer at the swimming club and his first lessons start at 8:00 am, and his first break is around 10:00 am. My family knows this; he’s been doing this for twenty years now. 

At 10:00 am, he checks his phone and sees a missed call. He calls back and gets my cousin on the line. He is informed that his mother passed away. My cousin then gives this gem.

Cousin: “We couldn’t reach you! Why couldn’t we reach you? Why didn’t you pick up?”

Dad: “I was in the pool.”

Cousin: “You should have had your phone with you; you knew Grandmother was doing bad.”

Dad: “I know, but I was in waist-deep water.”

Cousin: “You should have taken your phone with you!”

Dad changed the subject. My cousin was probably grieving, but it’s a bit silly to expect a swimming instructor, who is supposed to keep an eye on little children, to have their phone with them in waist-deep water.

This takes place during the 2010 World Cup. The guy I am dating at the time is German and a huge soccer fan. He’s texting me one day during one of the games.

Guy: “I finally got my cousin to watch the game with me!”

Me: “The one in Germany?”

Guy: “Yep! We’re texting back and forth, so if I don’t reply to you, I’m probably talking to him.”

Me: “No worries. You soccer fanatics enjoy the game.”

About two minutes later, I get a text all in German with lots of exclamation points. I pop it into Google Translate and realize it’s a complaint about the game. I start typing that I think he texted the wrong person when another text comes through in all caps. I put that into Google Translate and it spits out two words: “S*** referee.” I laugh and text him back in English.

Me: “Why is the ref s***?”

Guy: “Because he sucks. Wait, how did you know that?”

Me: “Check your sent messages.”

Guy: “I TEXTED YOU?!”

Me: “Yep.”

Guy: “You speak German?”

Me: “No, but I can work Google Translate.”

Guy: “Then what did I just send my cousin? Hold on.”

After about two minutes, he texts again.

Guy: “My cousin wants to know why he got a text in English calling him ‘babe.’”

I receive a phone call at 10:30 pm on a Sunday. I see that it’s my office supervisor.

Me: “Hello?”

Supervisor: “Did you send [file] on Friday like I asked?”

Me: “Yes, right before lunch.”

Supervisor: “Send it again.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll do it first—”

Supervisor: “Now.”

Me: “Now?”

Supervisor: “It’s due to the client on Monday by noon.”

Me: “I already sent it. I can send it again tomorrow but—”

Supervisor: “I need it now!”

Me: *Sigh* “You want me to go to the office on my day off to send a file I already sent? You know that’s double time for the full hour.”

Supervisor: “No! Absolutely not! It’s five minutes of work. Just come—”

Me: “I’ll look into it tomorrow morning. Goodnight, [Supervisor].”

I hung up before he could say anything else, turned my phone off, and went to sleep. When I woke up Monday morning, I had two angry voicemails about my unwillingness to be a team player, how my attitude would set us back thousands of dollars… and a text saying he had found it.