Totally Called It

| Sheffield, Yorkshire, UK | Related | May 2, 2013

(I am gay, and just starting to come out to friends and family. I phone my mum from university, as I live away from home.)

Me: “Mum, there’s… there’s something I need to tell you. I… I… I’m sorry I’ve not told you sooner mum, but—”

Mum: “Just one minute.”

(She goes away for a couple of seconds.)

Mum: “Right, you were saying?”

Me: “Mum, I’m gay.”

(All of a sudden, there’s a massive round of applause, with shouting and cheers from the other end of the phone. It turns out she has known for years anyway, and knew what I was about to say. She connected her phone to a speaker so that her work colleagues—all of whom she’d told I was gay and that she was waiting for me to come out—could hear.)

Mum: “Well done, it’s about time! I’m proud of you son; I love you!”

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Hope The New House Has A Panic Room

| Sydney, NSW, Australia | Romantic | April 19, 2013

(My boyfriend is catching the train to come see me so we can sign a lease for a house. He calls me.)

Boyfriend: “An issue has occurred.”

(Seeing he’s the one the real estate’s been calling, I assume it’s got something to do with the house.)

Me: *nervously* “Yes?”

Boyfriend: “I can only catch an express train to come see you.”

(I’m confused, as this is a good thing.)

Me: “…so?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, I just felt like opening the phone call with ‘an issue has occurred’. You know, to raise your heart rate to mild panic attack and then bring it back down comfortingly. That way, you will either associate panic or comfort with me.”

(I am silent.)

Boyfriend: “…I’m hoping for the comfort.”

Me: “This wasn’t a well thought out plan, was it?”

Double Vision, Double Punch-line

| Canada | Related | April 17, 2013

(It’s early spring, and the city where my parents live received a snowstorm the previous week. I’m on the phone with my parents. People are always commenting that my dad and I have the same sense of humour.)

Me: “So, are you still getting bad weather over there, or has it cleared up?”

Mom: “Oh, it’s much nicer! Your father was excited today because he saw seven robins.”

Me: “Is he sure it was seven robins? Or was it only the same robin that he saw, but seven times?”

Mom: “No, it was seven all at the same time.”

Me: “Is he sure it was seven, or is he suffering from double vision in his old age?”

(My father and I speak the next lines at the same time:)

Me and Dad: “Maybe it was only three-and-a-half birds!”

Until Death Do You Part

| USA | Romantic | April 15, 2013

(My older brother is in the military, and is engaged to his childhood sweetheart. She’s a full-time nursing student and is struggling to juggle work, family, and schooling. Due to his service complications, he is unable to provide her any financial support until they’re officially married. They’ve decided to be married by a JOP (Justice Of The Peace) over the weekend, instead of a vintage ceremony after she graduates. Our families have driven over 10 hours to meet them. My brother has been on the phone for over five hours trying to find someone to marry them. All the JOP’s in the next five towns were off the whole weekend, and no preacher felt comfortable marrying them without at least six months of marriage counseling.)

Brother: “Dad! I’ve found someone willing! They’re in [town another five hours away], and we need to be there by 2pm tomorrow!”

Dad: “Are you serious? Five hours! You can’t make that.”

(My brother and his fiancée have to be back on his base by 5pm on Friday to put in the financial paper work. Otherwise, this was all for naught.)

Brother: “Yeah, sure we can! “

Me: “No, you can’t. The five hour drive back means you won’t make it by 5pm.”

Brother: “We’ll make it.”

(The next day, both families pack up and are halfway to the town, when my brother phones us.)

Brother: “Turn back! We told a secretary here out story, and she called in a personal favor! He’s the first JOP I asked! He’d said no, since he’s only part-time and will be working at his business today. He can marry us here at noon!”

Dad: “That’s great! Why didn’t he agree to do it before?”

Brother: “Well… he’s working at a funeral home today. They’re painting, so he’s in ripped clothes and he can’t leave. We have to perform the ceremony there. [Fiancée] doesn’t really like it, but we’re taking what we can get.”

(My brother and new sister-in-law were married in the chapel of a funeral home, with the other seven of us standing between empty caskets! We joke about the story they’ll tell their children, and how the ceremony was ‘really dead.’ Love persists!)

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Not-So-Smart Phone, Part 6

| CT, USA | Right | April 15, 2013

(My parents have both just upgraded to smart phones for the first time in their lives. They seem to be doing well, despite their usual inability to use technology. Two days after getting the phone, my parents call me.)

Me: “Hello?”

Dad: “Hello, Jess! It’s Dad. There’s something wrong with my phone; I can’t hear incoming sound.”

Me: “Do you see the little switch on the side? Make sure it is not showing orange and then press the up button for the volume.”

Dad: “What? I can’t hear you!”

(I repeat my instructions. We try several things before my parents give up.)

Mom: “Hey, it’s not working. Should we go back to Best Buy?”

Me: “I’ll be out in a few days, if you can wait I’ll take a look at it.”

(I frantically look online for errors in software and hard wear being reported online, but little shows up. I’m seriously intrigued. My parents decide they’ll take it to the store and have it looked at. The next day my dad comes out to visit me.)

Dad: “So I went to the store yesterday. I guess the plastic screen protector was blocking the speaker.”

Me: “…you used it like that?”

Dad: “I thought it would be extra protection!”


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