Dial M For “Moron”

, , , , | Right | May 18, 2020

Me: “Good afternoon, [Charity]; how can I help you?”

Client: “I just wanted to check if you were on the same phone number that you used to be on.”

Me: “Well, we haven’t changed our phone number, and the number is the one you dialed.”

Client: “Oh, well, that’s fine, then.” *Click*

I was left there scratching my head.

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Sometimes Coworkers Need A Mute Button

, , , , | Working | May 14, 2020

At work, we’re having a huge meeting that includes both people in a large meeting room and people calling in from other locations. As usually happens with this sort of thing, the speakerphone unit in the meeting room picks up different speakers with varying levels of volume and clarity.

At one point, the current speaker is rather far from the phone, and somebody decides they need to discuss a previous point with a whispered side-conversation directly over the speakerphone!

I break in to say, “Sorry to interrupt, but when you’re having a side-conversation near the phone, we can’t hear anything the speaker is saying.”

A few of the people on the call-in lines agree with my comment, and the whisperers apologize — and then proceed to have their whispered conversation anyway, solving the problem by putting the speakerphone on mute while they’re whispering!

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These Multiple Callings Show It’s Not Their Calling

, , , , , | Right | May 12, 2020

I’ve worked at home for many years. I realize a lot of people suddenly find themselves working from home now. Apparently, it is not as easy as it looks.

The calls I’ve been getting lately are these:

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling.”

Caller #1: “Hi, this is—” *Noise, noise, noise*

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you. Could you repeat that?”

I just hear more noise.

Me: “I’m sorry. I just can’t hear you. Is the TV on perhaps? Could it be turned down?”


Me: “Sir, I can hear that you’re shouting now. It would be easier if there were just less background noise.”

Cue more fumbling sounds.

Caller #1: “Okay. I turned off the TV and took my phone off speaker. Can you hear me now?”

Me: “Yes. Thank you. What can I help you with today?”

Next call:

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling.”

Caller #2: “Hello, we’d like to start service at—” *Ear-piercing whistle*

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t catch that. Could you please repeat?”

Caller #2: “Oh, yeah, that’s my parrot. He likes to sit with me—”

There is another ear-piercing whistle.

Caller #2: “—now that I’m home.”

Yet another whistle.

Me: “I’m afraid I will not be able to continue this call with that sort of interruption. Can the bird sit further from the phone until we finish, please?”

Next call:

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling.”

Caller #3: “Oh, yeah, hey, so our office needs— HEY! CUT IT OUT! —service. The address is—”

He is drowned out by the sound of shouting children, apparently sixty or seventy of them.

Me: “Okay. So, you said the address was [address]. Is that correct?”

Caller #3: “Yeah. No one’s there, though. Can we still get service?”

Me: “We will need someone to meet the technician.”

Caller #3: “Well, we’re supposed to work from home.”

The mob of children has now apparently taken hostages.

Me: “I understand. But we will need someone to meet the technician.”

Caller #3: “You can’t just come?”

Me: “Is the door unlocked?”

Caller #3: “I don’t think so.”

There may be murders taking place in the background at this point.

Me: “Then, no. We can’t just come. We need to get inside the building.”

Caller #3: “You don’t have a key?”

It suddenly gets silent on her end. Maybe they are as floored by the question as I am.

Me: “No, ma’am. We don’t have a key.”

Caller #3: “Oh, okay. I’ll have to ask about this. I’ll call you back.”

Next call:

Me: “Thanks for calling.”


Me: “Hello, you’ve reached—”


Me: “Hello?”


I hang up. The phone rings again.

Me: “Hello, thanks for calling.”


I sit there and just wait.


Voice In Background: “I don’t know why they won’t answer. Maybe they are closed.”

Another Voice: “They can’t be closed.”


Me: “HELLO!”


Voice In Background: “We have to reach them today. Maybe we should email.”

Another Voice: “That’s a good idea. Maybe they are working from home, too.”

Next call:

Me: “Thanks for calling.”

Caller #5: “Hi, I need to pay our bill. Can I do that by phone?”

Me: “Absolutely. What’s the address of the account?”

Caller #5: “Unfortunately, I don’t have the account number. I’m at home instead of the office. I have limited access to things. Can you look it up by the name or address?”

Me: “Yes. The address is easiest.”

Caller #5: “Great, it is [address]. I don’t have the actual bill. I’m at home instead of the office. I have limited access to things. Is there a way I can look up the info online or could you email it to me?”

I check the account. All bills have been paid online. The account is linked to a specific email address.

Me: “Yes. If you answer a couple of questions, I can give you access to the account.”

Caller #5: “My email address is [email address I have on file].”

Me: “Oh, that is actually the email address we have in the system. I can resend the login information to that email.”

Caller #5: “I have that email. It was sent to my office. I need it sent to my home, though, because I am working from home for the foreseeable future.”

I pause.

Me: “All right. I’ll resend that to you now. Would you like to pay by phone or wait until you have logged into your account?”

Caller #5: “I’d better pay by phone. I’m at home instead of the office. I have limited access to things.”

Me: “By phone it is.”

The phone rings at 9:45 pm, 9:50 pm, 9:52 pm, and  9:58 pm. I am worried it might be one of my adult children calling from other than their own phone.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller #6: “Isn’t this [Company]?”

Me: “It is from 8:00 to 5:00.”

Caller #6: “Well, I’m working from home so I work the hours I want.”

Me: “Okay, well, I have closed down my office for the day. I will have it back up by 8:00 tomorrow morning.”

Caller #6: “Yeah, that doesn’t work for me. I need to see about service.”

Me: “I’ll be happy to help you tomorrow between 8:00 and 5:00. Good night.”

I hung up, and dialed into the system to unroll the phones for the first time in years

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Parents, Man

, , , , , , | Related | May 11, 2020

I’m a transman. Before realising I wanted to transition when I was twenty, I struggled with my sexuality, believing myself to be a lesbian, which my parents — of course — passed off as a phase, before I realized I was “sort of bisexual.” (My actual sexuality is more complex than that, as I understood some years later.)

After I’ve been living as male for a while, I have a long-distance relationship with a lovely woman for a couple of years. It fizzles out, and a while later, I start talking to a sweet guy online.

Here is how my mother and my stepfather take that.

Mother: “Oh, did I tell you that [Older Cousin] is getting married?”

Me: “No? I didn’t even know she’d been seeing anyone since she broke up with her last boyfriend.”

Mother: “Yeah, he works in the medical industry. Quite well off. He’s called John.”

Me: “Huh. I’ve been talking to a guy called John who’s interested in me.”

Mother: “Wait. Really?”

Me: “Yes?”

Mother: “I thought you were straight now.”

Me: “What?!”

Mother: “I mean, after [Ex-Girlfriend]—”

Me: “I’ve always been into both men and women! That hasn’t changed because I finally had a longer-than-brief relationship with a woman!”

Mother: “Oh. Well, how do you know he’s really into you?”

Me: “…”

Mother: “I mean… what if he just wants—” 

She gestures towards my crotch.

Me: “Because. He’s. Gay.”

Also, I don’t think most straight men want to sleep with someone who is a man, and both looks and sounds like it, simply because he has a vagina. Come on, now.

After I get with this guy, this happens.

Mother: “I told your dad—” *meaning my stepfather* “—about you and John.”

Me: “Oh?”

Mother: “Yeah, he didn’t get it.”

Me: “What’s not to get?”

Mother: “Well, he doesn’t understand what the point of being a man is if you’re just going to have a relationship with a man anyway.”

Me: *Pause* “Oh, my God.”

Anyway, “John” and I eventually got married, once we were legally able to. He’s pretty fantastic. My parents behaved terribly on our wedding day, and that was the final straw on top of a whole bale of being awful. I’ve cut ties with them, and that’s also been pretty excellent!

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Unfiltered Story #193853

, | Unfiltered | May 7, 2020

Nobody really did anything bad here, this is more a story of a funny coincidence. I was due for a follow-up appointment with my doctor and was waiting on the office to call me to schedule one. Suddenly I hear my cell go off and I answer.

Me: Yo.

The lady on the other end says something I don’t quite hear, but I make out the words of the name of the same place I got treated last, so I figure she’s calling to schedule me.

Me: Yes.

Lady on the other end: Yes I’m calling to make an appointment.

Me: Sure.

Lady: I need to come in for (health problem) I…

Me: Oh I’m sorry m’am are you calling to schedule an appointment for yourself?

Lady: Yes.

Me: Oh I’m sorry I’m actually waiting on (name of place of treatment) to call and make an appointment with ME. I’m not them I’m just some guy. Sorry.

Lady: Oh okay. *hangs up*

The thought occurred afterward that I must’ve sounded maddeningly unprofessional before I informed her I wasn’t the appointment line.