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An Interesting De-Termination

, , , , , | Related | September 21, 2021

I’m chatting with my sister on the phone about the global health crisis. Unfortunately, I’ve been distracted by video games lately, particularly one where you play as an assassin.

Sister: “And there are some businesses that require a vaccine or else you can be terminated.”

Me: “Wow, that’s a little extreme.”

Sister: “What?”

Me: *Realization dawning* “Other kind of ‘terminated’. Right. Sorry.”

Sister: *Jokingly* “Either way, I guess you’re getting shot.”

Better Than A Grizzly Bear Or Something

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 21, 2021

I’m texting a friend.

Me: “Hey, man, sorry I missed your call. I was running.”

Friend: “Running? From whom?”

Me: “Uh… my winter weight?”

Friend: “Okay, fair enough.”

Could’ve Been A Much Worse Phone Call

, , , , , | Related | September 4, 2021

One of the few rules set in stone when we were young was: don’t drink and drive and don’t get in a car with a drunk driver. To enable us to stick to the rule, especially the latter part, my parents accepted the fact that they sometimes had to act as a taxi; we lived in a rural area with limited service by public transport and none whatsoever after 9:00 pm. This was a time before cell phones and when public phones were still plenty.

Two of my brothers had asked my parents one New Year’s Eve to collect them after the party. No curfew was given, and as my parents did not expect my brothers to call before early morning, they went to bed after welcoming the New Year. They were awoken in the early morning by fumbling at the door and my dad went to investigate. To his surprise, my brothers tumbled inside. When they made their next appearance, a few hours later and carefully nursing a hangover, my father got curious and inquired as to why they hadn’t called for him to come and pick them up.

Brother: *A bit sulky* “We did call! Why didn’t you pick up the phone?”

Dad: *Surprised* “But we never received a call. It was quiet all night until you tried to fit the key in the door.”

Those that were home that night confirmed that no phone call had disturbed the peace of the night. This went on a bit, to and fro, my brother insisting he called, my dad insisting that no call came through.

Dad: “So you called. Did you call the correct number?”

Brother: *Indignant* “Of course, I did.”

He recited the number while mimicking composing the number on a push dial.

Brother: “…five, six.” *Moving his finger downward*

Dad: “Wait. Can you do that again?”

My brother repeated himself with exaggerated movements, again going down from five to six.

Dad: “So you did five, six?”

He repeated the same downward motion.

Brother: “Yes!”

Dad: “That is not six you dialed but eight.”

Brother: “No way! But it rang!”

And yes, he did check the placement of the numbers on our extension. 

Dad: “Luckily, nobody was home. A nice night they would have with you calling them again and again, thinking you called home!”

We had a good laugh about it and my brothers had a nice walk home. It was about an hour in normal conditions, but the road they had to take was a dangerous one on foot (no sidewalk) and at night. Still, they arrived in one piece and probably walked off some of the alcohol, and we have one more tale to tell.

They Didn’t Meet The Bar (Mitzvah)

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: I_want_max | September 1, 2021

My bar mitzvah is coming up. In my synagogue, capacity is limited right now. I want to invite my best friend and his family. I am super tight with his family and we’re basically brothers; we’ve been friends since kindergarten. My mom is talking with my great aunt about it over the phone.

Great Aunt: “Oh, that means that you have three spots if [Best Friend] and his family don’t come, and since they’re not family, [Great Aunt’s Daughter] and her two daughters should come, instead.”

Mom: “What? We don’t even talk to them that much anymore. Why should they come instead of [My Name]’s best friend and his family?”

Great Aunt: “The girls haven’t gone out in sooooooo long, and they would love to see [My Name] becoming a man.”

Mom: “They can watch over video call like the other 100 people who can’t come due to the health crisis.”

Great Aunt: “This isn’t fair! My babies are more important than your stupid kid’s best friend and his family.”

Mom: “Fine. They can all come if they get the vaccine.”

Great Aunt: “What?! Vaccines cause cancer and autism! Everyone is lying about the crisis! It’s fake!”

Mom: “Okay. If that’s how you feel about it, you won’t have a problem with them not coming.” *Hangs up*

What’s Mine Is NOT Yours

, , , , , , | Related | CREDIT: maddmoiselle_1 | August 29, 2021

My cousin is a single mother who lives with her elderly parents. Her daughter, age five, was exposed to someone with a certain contagious illness and is now starting to show symptoms. My cousin calls me.

Cousin: “Is there a possibility that you could go stay with your parents for two weeks so I can isolate with [Her Daughter] in your house?”

Going to my parents would mean having to put in leave at work. She can afford a guesthouse, and even if she couldn’t, our government actually provides accommodations for cases like this. I point this out.

Cousin: “Going to such a place would be restrictive to my dearest baby, and she would just die without a proper TV and Wi-Fi. And your backyard is so nice and big; we would love to use the pool during the hot summer days. And since your parents are elderly, they could probably use your help for two weeks.”

Believe me, they don’t want me there, and I have health conditions that would make the illness deadly for me if I caught it. I gave her a swift no.