You Want Information? Here’s Some Information!

, , , , , | Related | CREDIT: SquishySpark | May 27, 2021

My grandmother, Oma, is a woman you do NOT want to cross and performed one of the best instances of malicious compliance in my family.

My Opa — her husband — worked for a well-known US telephone company that pretty much had a monopoly fifty years ago, and Oma was a stay-at-home wife with young kids.

Early in their marriage, Opa would call home several times a day to check up on Oma. He came from an Italian-American family and his mother was very controlling. If he called and she was out to market, he’d keep calling every break until she picked up. He claimed that he just wanted to make sure she was okay. This went on for a few weeks until Oma had enough.

One day, she called his office before he could take a break, and his coworker picked up.

Oma: “Is [Opa] available?”

Coworker: “No, would you like me to get him?”

Oma: “No, but please share this message with him. Let him know that I’m going to the grocery store for an hour, so he needn’t call. Then, I will fix lunch for myself and the kids. I’ll need to give [Daughter] a bath after that, because she’s a messy eater. I’ve been constipated lately, so around two o’clock, I plan on sitting on the pot for a while and taking an enema, so if I don’t answer the phone, that’s why. Have him call if he really needs anything.”

Apparently, Opa came home that evening red-faced and never called home to check up on her again.

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Loose Lips Sink Ships… And Sometimes Give You Mono

, , , , , , , | Related | May 13, 2021

My sister is a freshman living away at college. She has been loving this newfound freedom, and one of her freedoms is “fooling around” with different guys.

My sister comes down with mononucleosis, AKA “the kissing disease”. My mom suspects that my sister has been seeing someone, but she doesn’t have any proof, and my sister certainly isn’t going to volunteer this information. This happens over the phone:

Mom: “How are you feeling?”

Sister: “Not great. The doctor said I have mono.”

Mom: “Really? Oh, no, that’s too bad.”

Sister: “He just told me to take some ibuprofen and rest a lot.”

Mom: “Good advice. Let your professors know you’ll be out.”

Sister: “I will.”

Mom: “So, what was his name?”

Sister: “What? Who?”

Mom: “Who gave it to you? What was his name?”

Sister: “OH, MY GOD! [MY NAME] TOLD YOU?! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”

Mom: “No, she didn’t tell me anything… but you just did.”

Years later, my sister finds it hilarious that my mom can figure out information like that. My mom thought that was a high point in her mom-sleuthing career.

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Don’t Prank Calls Have To Be Funny?

, , , | Right | May 11, 2021

The phone rings, showing me a mobile number, and I answer it. Unfortunately, I can hardly understand anything due to bad reception, and the call drops almost immediately.

A few minutes later they call again.

Me: “[Our Store], this is [My Name], good evening.”

There’s still a lot of interference, and I can’t make out more than a few incoherent words.

Me: “I’m sorry, you’re very hard to understand.”

I walk toward our office, where the reception is usually better.

Me: “How can I help you?”

The caller laughs tauntingly and blows me a raspberry.

Me: “You know that I’m being shown your phone number on my display, right?”

The caller is a young-sounding person, suddenly very sheepish.

Caller: “Oh, I’m very sorry. I’m going to hang up now.”

Me: “That’s what I thought. Have a nice evening.”

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When Electricity Is An Attractive Force

, , , , , | Right | May 11, 2021

Me: “Hello, [Company Acronym].”

Caller: “Hello, is this [Electrical Supplier #1]?”

Me: “No, this is [Electrical Supplier #2] in [Town].”

Caller: “Oh… so, you sell electrical supplies?”

Me: “Yes, we do.”

Caller: “Great, that’s what I’m looking for! Do you sell [item]? I’ve got a job at a hotel in [Town]…”

Me: “Let me transfer you to sales.”

An unconventional way to acquire a customer, but I’m not complaining!

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It Would Be Better Explained If You Lip-Synced It For Your Life

, , , , , , , , , , | Right | May 7, 2021

I am selling something online. I provide my Whatsapp number for messaging but I am surprised when I get a call from an American number claiming interest in my item.

Caller: “I figured since I will be in San Francisco this weekend I could just swing by and pick it up?”

Me: “That’s great, except I’m in London. Nothing in my ad says I’m in San Francisco.”

Caller: “So that’s like… what, East Bay?”

Me: “What? No… London. London, England.”

Caller: “So down near Mountain View?”

Me: “No! London. With the bridge. The Queen lives there.”

I hear someone else on the caller’s side speak up.

Person With Caller: “What’s going on?”

Caller: *Replying* “I don’t know. They’re saying they’re a queen in San Francisco.”

Person With Caller: “Drag queens, honey. They’re called drag queens in San Francisco.”

I wonder if there is a confused-looking woman now wandering the streets of San Francisco looking for a drag queen with a used toaster oven.


This story is part of our Best Of May 2021 roundup!

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