What Part Of “We Don’t Know Anything” Confused You?

, , , , | Working | July 7, 2020

After moving into our new home, my husband and I are assigned a new telephone number. Supposedly, numbers are dormant for two years before they are reassigned, but the number we are given clearly has just belonged to someone who left the area without informing his numerous friends and even more numerous creditors. The winner, though, is the bank officer.

The phone rings.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Hello, this is [Caller] from [Bank]. I’m looking for [Former Phone Number Holder].”

I launch into my speech that is, by now, well-rehearsed.

Me: “I’m sorry. We were assigned this number by the telephone company. We don’t know the guy and we don’t know anything about him.”

The caller pauses.

Me: “…”

Caller: “Do you have another number for him?”

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Bye-Bye, Bigot!

, , , , , , | Related | June 26, 2020

I’m on the phone with the grandmother I have an already rocky relationship with. Out of nowhere, she says this:

Grandma: “I don’t like that gay people can adopt.”

Me: “What?! Why?”

Grandma: “What will two women do with a son? They’re women! They don’t know how to raise a boy!”

Me: “That is the dumbest f****** thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

Grandma: “Don’t use that language with—”

Me: “You were a single mother who raised a son and you spoke to the judge to make sure my mother — your own daughter — didn’t get me in the custody battle instead of my single father.”

Grandma: “W-well… Well, I had help from family! And so did your father!”

Me: “And gay people won’t? Gay people don’t have families?”

Grandma: “I just don’t like gay people! I’m old and set in my ways, and I don’t like them and think they’re disgusting and wrong.”

Me: “Well, I’ve decided that I don’t like you and I think you’re disgusting and wrong.”

Grandma: “Why, because I don’t like gay people?”

Me: “I generally don’t like people who hate me, so, yeah.”

Grandma: “I don’t hate you! When did I say I hated you?”

Me: “Just now. I’m gay. So, since you hate me so much, I’ll just never talk to you again! Bye!” *Click*

Several weeks later, I got a letter in the mail from my grandmother demanding I “change my mind about being gay” because she’s “too old to change.”

I’ve spoken to her a total of two times since then and each time she spouts more hateful nonsense, even going so far as to ask me if I was getting divorced two months after I married my wife. The kicker? Her OLDER sister came to the wedding and absolutely loves my wife; they swap recipes.

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Not How You Insure That You Get A New Customer

, , , , , | Working | June 18, 2020

I recently decided to shop around for new car insurance and filled out a form online to get a quote from [Large Insurance Company], but the page timed out and I didn’t get the quote.

A few hours later, an agent calls as I am walking out the door for work, so I ask them to call back later. The next day, they call again while I’m on my way to work.

Agent: “Hello, this is [Agent] from [Large Insurance Company]. Could I speak with [My Name]?”

Me: “This is her, but I’m actually on my way to work right now, so I can’t talk. You could call my husband and speak with him, though.”

Agent: “Okay, I’ll just call back later. Would this evening work?”

Me: “Umm… maybe? Why don’t you just call my husband right now? I can give you his number.”

Agent: “Oh, I’m not able to take down any numbers. I’ll just call back later. Or you can call us back. Here is our number so you can write it down. It’s [Number]. Did you need me to repeat that?”

Me: “Well, as I said, I’m on my way to work now, so I can’t take down your number, either. I guess just keep trying and maybe you’ll get lucky. Thanks.”

It’s not looking promising.

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Insurance Doesn’t Always Bleed You Dry

, , , , | Right | June 15, 2020

I work at a broking group which is situated next to a hospital. As we are situated so close together I often get people calling up asking for hospital appointments.

It’s my lunch break and I’m reading stories on Not Always Right to pass the time. My phone starts to ring.

Me: “Good afternoon, this is [My Name] from [Broking Group]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello. Erm… yes. Can I please book an appointment for a blood test? Around next week?”

Me: “I’m very sorry, miss, but you’ve called [Broking Group], not [Hospital].”

Caller: *Pauses* “Where have I called?”

Me: “[Broking Group]. We’re next door to [Hospital].”

Caller: “Oh! Erm… what do you do?”

Me: “Insurance.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: “Can you do my blood test?”

Me: “No. I cannot do blood tests.”

Caller: “Oh.”

The caller hangs up. I look over at my very amused boss.

Me: “This is going on Not Always Right when I go home.”

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Take A Hike, Mom

, , , , | Related | May 31, 2020

I am not athletic in the slightest. I’m very overweight from overeating and minimal exercise. So, when I call my mother to tell her I spent the day hiking with friends, she’s skeptical. No matter how many anecdotes or landmarks I tell her about, she just doesn’t accept that I did something so physical for hours.

Me: *Exasperated* “And then I threw up from exertion!”

Mom: “Okay, now I believe you.”

I just laughed.

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