(I answer the phone for the umpteenth time this morning. Everything’s been normal and boring so far, just how I like it.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [Business]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hey. Can I speak to [Dining Manager], please?”

Me: “Let me see if he’s in. May I ask who’s calling?”

Caller: “Yeah, this is [Caller]. He’ll know who I am.”

Me: “Okay, just a moment, please. Let me see if [Dining Manager] is in.”

(He is; he’s just walked in the door and is listening. He motions for the phone and I take it off hold to hand to him.)

Dining Manager: “Hello, this is [Dining Manager].”

(He says, “Uh-huh,” and, “Okay,” and other general murmurs of agreement as the caller speaks.)

Dining Manager: “That sounds great; what company are you from again?”

(He listens some more and then his face screws up, and he makes a “WTF” face.)

Dining Manager: “Well, I think if you’re looking to sell me some cleaning chemicals, you could tell me what company you’re selling for.”

(He listens some more.)

Dining Manager: “No, if you can’t tell me what company this is, I think… Huh, he hung up.”

Me: “What the heck was that all about?”

Dining Manager: “It was a scam. They basically offer you a box of free chemicals and then when you eventually get them, they charge you. Idiots.”

Me: “So, I’m guessing you didn’t know [Caller], huh?” *laughing*

Dining Manager: “Nope.” *also laughing*

(I am at home going through my homework when I get a call. My phone alerts me to potential scams and does so giving it the name “RoboCaller.” I go through the machine and get to a person.)

Employee: “Hello, you qualify for a reduced interest rate for your credit card.”

Me: “Can I just get put on the ‘do not call’ list?”

Employee: “But ma’am, you qualify for a reduced rate.”

Me: “Okay, then, which type of card do I have?”

Employee: “What?”

(I repeat myself.)

Employee: “Oh, ma’am, you want me to prove myself. Okay, you have a…” *lists all possible cards*

Me: “Which specific card do I have?”

Employee: “Okay, I will need you to verify some information before I can tell you. What’s your account number?”

Me: *laughing* “Dude, just put me on the ‘do not call’ list.”

Employee: *laughs* “You know, you have a beautiful voice.”

(Click.)

(I receive a phone call from someone claiming an arrest warrant under my name is in effect. I’ve heard often about this scam, but it’s the first time I’ve actually gotten the call. So, I decide to have fun.)

Caller: “We are calling to inform you that an arrest warrant will be issued against you…”

Me: “Yeah, I know!”

Caller: “You knew?”

Me: “Of course! The trial already started two days ago. I am escorted by the police every morning to get there! Why are you telling me this today?”

Caller: “The trial?”

Me: “Yeah, with the judge and my lawyer and the jury. Why are you calling?”

Caller: *now hesitating* “Well, there is another warrant for…”

Me: *cutting him* “The police already told me that other charges will be added, and I already told them about what I did to that man in the hotel room.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: *hangs up*

(I just hope they will call again. It was so fun!)

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This is a story my dad told me about how he deals with live scam calls, particularly foreign scammers.

Scammer:
“Hello, my name is [Scammer], and I work at [Credit Card Company]. I notice you have an issue with your credit card; if you could just send me your credit card number and PIN–”

Dad:
“Your mom must be so proud that you scam people for a living.”

Scammer:
“WHY YOU– DON’T YOU DARE INSULT MY MOTHER! I’M GONNA KILL YOU! DON’T EVER INSULT MY MOTHER AGAIN!” *Click*

And the moral is: “Yo Mama” burns are the best defense against scammers. Who knew?

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(My grandparents receive a call from a scammer claiming to be me. The caller says that I got drunk, wrecked my car, and am now in jail and they need to wire $5,000 for bail. When my grandfather asks why my voice sounds different, the scammer says I have a broken nose. When my grandfather offers to drive to the police station and post bail in person, the scammer has some excuse why the money has to be wired. My grandparents recognize this as a scam and hang up. I visit them the next day.)

Grandfather: “I see your nose has healed up.”

Me: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t bail me out of jail.”