I receive lots of calls from numbers I don’t know. One such number leaves an automated voicemail about student loan forgiveness. Since I went to a community college and was lucky enough to pay for my education by semester, I have no student loans. The next time the number calls, I answer.

Me: “Hello?”

Recording: “Thanks to a recent government ruling, your student loan can now be forgiven. Press one to speak to an agent; press nine to be removed from our list.”

I press nine.

Recording: “Invalid selection. Thanks to a recent government ruling—”

Annoyed, I press one. I’m answered by someone with a thick, non-American accent.

Scammer: “Hello, yes, my name is Steven from Michigan. Can I have your social security number to begin?”

Me: “No.”

There’s a pause.

Scammer: “Miss, I need your social security number to research your loans.”

Me: “No.”

There’s another pause.

Scammer: “Miss, I must look up—”

Me: “No.”

Scammer: *Annoyed* “Miss, please, I—”

Me: “No.”

Scammer: “Then why are you calling?”

Me: “You called.”

Scammer: “No, we—”

Me: “Yes, you called.”

Scammer: “No, we—”

Me: “Yes, you called.”

This cycles a few more times.

Scammer: “What do you want?”

Me: “To be removed from your scam list.”

Scammer: “B****!”

I work in a small, one-man computer repair shop. I frequently get scam phone calls throughout the day, typically offering business loans and free cruises — the usual rubbish. One day, I get fed up with the scammers and decide to have a little fun.

I answer the phone in a thick Russian accent.

Me: “Hello! You are speaking to Ivan Yesnikov of Yesnikov Computers! How may I be of helping you today?”

Scammer: “Hi, I’m [Scammer] calling from the free cruise giveaway! You’ve won a free cruise!”

Me: “A ‘free cruise?’ Is of sounding good, but… how I win this cruise?”

Scammer: “Oh, you probably stayed at one of our many hotels over the past year and were entered into the contest.”

Me: “Ah, I am of understanding. But let me be of asking you something. What is name of company you calling from?”

Scammer: “This is the Five-Star Resort Company.”

Me: *Suddenly enraged* “‘Five-Star Resort Company’?! IS FRONT COMPANY FOR KGB!”

Scammer: *Exasperated* “Sir, we are not the KGB.”

Me: *Still enraged* “Is exactly what KGB would say! I know this name from when I in Siberia. I no let you send me back! Ludmila and I will be waiting for you!”

Scammer: *Click*

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We have a house phone that sometimes gets calls from telemarketers, but our bank periodically calls on it about our legit banking information, so whenever I get a telemarketer, I give them the benefit of the doubt before messing with them.

For reference, my father has a couple of credit cards but are all rarely used and paid off.

Caller: “Hello, this call is a limited time offer about your credit card and we’d like to inquire about some new features we are contemplating on adding. Would you be willing to answer a few questions?”

Me: “Sure, but for which card?”

Caller: “I’d just like to ask a few questions, please; it should only take five minutes.”

Me: “And I’m happy to oblige. I just need to know which credit card this would apply to.”

The caller’s voice is getting gruffer with irritation.

Caller: “I said we need you to answer some questions.”

I’ve already realized it’s a scam and I’m just having fun being as sugary sweet as possible.

Me: “And I’ve agreed. I just need to know which credit card you’re talking about so I can give you the best answers possible. Don’t you use different cards for different purposes?”

Caller: “Ma’am, if you will not cooperate, I will have to terminate this call.”

Me: “No, no, please. I just want to be as helpful as poss—”

Caller: “THAT’S. IT. GOOD-BYE!”

He hung up hard enough that the receiver made a loud, unhappy sound.

Recently, scammers have been calling my grandmother’s landline using local numbers. She has caller ID, so if the scammers call using, say, John Doe’s number, it shows up as such. I live nearby and visit nearly every day to make sure she’s okay, so I’ve intercepted quite a few of these calls. 

The phone rings, showing John Doe as the caller.

Me: “Hey, Gram, are you expecting a call from John Doe?”

Grandma: “No, he’s in [Local Hospital].”

I answer the phone.

Me: “John! How’s that anal leakage?”

Caller: “Um…” *Click*

A moment later, the same number comes up, this time listed as “unknown caller.” I can’t believe they’re actually this stupid, so I answer. The caller has an accent you rarely hear in the middle of Bumble, Nowhere.

Me: “County Mortuary.”

Caller: “Uh, I— Sorry, what?”

Me: “County Mortuary.”

Caller: “I need to speak with [Badly Butchered Version Of My Grandmother’s Name].”

Me: “I’m sorry, who’s calling?”

Caller: “Um. I need to speak with—”

Me: “Do you need a body picked up?”

Caller: *Confused* “No. I—”

Me: “Are you calling for the status of an autopsy?”

Caller: *Frustrated* “No, I—”

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”

Caller: “Where is [Badly Butchered Name]?”

Me: “I don’t see her name on any of the drawers. Was she supposed to be picked up? Which facility are you calling from?”

Caller: *Angry* “She lives there!”

Me: “If anybody lives here, I have a problem.”

Caller: *As he hangs up* “What the f***…”

My grandmother gave me a stern look for messing with the caller but couldn’t hold it for long.

This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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My grandmother recently passed away after a long hospice stay. Her loss has been extremely hard on our family, especially for my mother. My grandmother worked as my mom’s secretary at my mom’s office and used to receive a bunch of scam phone calls.

After my grandmother passed, I took up as my mother’s secretary and scam phone calls kept coming in for my grandmother. One day, after four of the same scam phone calls keep coming in for my deceased grandmother, I have this exchange.

Scammer: “Hello! Is Ms. [Grandmother] there? We have an exciting offer for her for a free vacation!”

Me: “This is the fourth time you’ve called. You know she won’t be answering the phone, because she’s passed away.”

Scammer: “Oh, but can we get her phone number? This is a once-in-a-lifetime offer!”

Me: “Well, here is what you’re going to need to do. First, go to the store.”

The scammer hmms and uh-huhs agreeably.

Me: “Then you’re going to buy a ouija board, gather your summoning circle, and contact her yourself because she’s dead!“

Scammer: “Oh.”

I heard a click as the scammer hung up the phone, and I haven’t heard back from them since. I know it wasn’t the most polite way to handle it, but each call was causing fresh grief for my mother and me. The scammers were not getting the clue. And to be honest? I got a dark sense of satisfaction out of the exchange.

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