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A Burn As Old As Time

, , , , | Working | February 27, 2020

This is a story my dad told me about how he deals with live scam calls, particularly foreign scammers.

“Hello, my name is [Scammer] and I work at [Credit Card Company]. I notice you have an issue with your credit card; if you could just send me your credit card number and PIN–”

“Your mom must be so proud you scam people for a living.”


And the moral is: “Yo Mama” burns are the best defense against scammers. Who knew?

If You Get This Call, It’s Time To Bail!

, , , , | Legal | December 21, 2019

(My grandparents receive a call from a scammer claiming to be me. The caller says that I got drunk, wrecked my car, and am now in jail and they need to wire $5,000 for bail. When my grandfather asks why my voice sounds different, the scammer says I have a broken nose. When my grandfather offers to drive to the police station and post bail in person, the scammer has some excuse why the money has to be wired. My grandparents recognize this as a scam and hang up. I visit them the next day.)

Grandfather: “I see your nose has healed up.”

Me: “I can’t believe you wouldn’t bail me out of jail.”

About To Get Into Some Bahama-Drama

, , , , | Legal | December 12, 2019

(When my fiancé and I are planning our wedding, we attend a wedding show at the local convention centre. Pretty much every kiosk has a contest, and we enter every single one, hoping to win something cool. A few weeks later, we get a call from an unknown number. We’ve won a trip to the Bahamas! And all we have to do is give them our credit card number for “processing fees” and attend a “brief” two-hour presentation on timeshares. How lucky can you get? Alarm bells instantly start ringing in my head, but my fiancé — who’s extremely intelligent but can be a little naïve at times — has already gotten his card out and is preparing to read off the numbers. I wave at him frantically and he stop.)

Caller: “Yes? Sir? I need the rest of your card’s numbers.”

Me: “It’s a scam. Don’t do it.”

Fiancé: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Remember that [Broadcast] exposé on scammers? If you have to pay any money for a prize, it’s not a legitimate contest.”

Fiancé: “Crap, you’re right.”

Caller: Sir?

Fiancé: “Never mind. We don’t want the trip.”

Caller: *incredulously* “What?! You don’t want a free trip to the Bahamas? You’re joking.”

Fiancé: “We’re not joking, and I’m hanging up now.”

Caller:Wait! My supervisor would like to talk to you.”

Fiancé: “What for?”

Caller: “One moment, please, sir.”

Supervisor: “Hello? My employee tells me that you’re turning down a free trip to the Bahamas, but that can’t be right.”

Fiancé: “We’re definitely turning it down, because this is a scam.”

Supervisor: *offended tone* “I beg your pardon? This is no scam, sir.”

Fiancé: “Yeah, well, my fiancée is sure that it is, and I trust her.”

Supervisor: “Sir, ask yourself this question. Who wears the pants in your household?”

Fiance: “What did you just say?”

Supervisor: *oblivious* “I mean, you’re not even married yet. Is this the way you want your married life to go? Your wife telling you what to do?”

Fiancé: *starts laughing*

Supervisor: “What’s so funny?”

Fiancé: “Oh, man. If you ever had a chance of getting my credit card info from me, you just blew it. Bye.” *hangs up*

We Need To Talk About Kevin

, , , , | Legal | November 12, 2019

(My mother is in her sixties and thus part of the demographic that credit card phone scammers tend to target. However, despite being mildly technophobic, she’s nobody’s fool and has devised a strategy to get the scammers to take her off their list. I was privileged to witness this recently.)

Mom: *checking her phone screen as it rings* “Oh, look, a call from Kevin. I bet he wants to help me with my Visa Mastercard account.” *answers the phone and listens for a moment* “Sure enough.” 

(She presses one to speak to a representative and puts the phone on speaker.)

Me: “Mom, what are you doing? That’s how they confirm your number is live! You’ll never get rid of them now!” 

Mom: “Watch and learn, sweetie.”

(The call is answered by a guy with an almost cartoonishly thick accent.)

Scammer: “Yes, hello, this is Harry, and we are calling to help you with your Visa Mastercard account–“

Mom: *at full “cranky old lady” volume* “WHERE’S KEVIN?” 

Scammer: “Uh… pardon me, ma’am? My name is Harry, and I’m calling to help you with–“

Mom: *still at full volume* “NO, that’s not right! My phone said this was a call from Kevin! I want to talk to Kevin! You put Kevin on the phone right now or else–“

Scammer: *click*

Mom: “And that’s how we deal with that.” 

Me: “I love you.” 

Mom: “I know.”