I am the sender of this story. We stopped receiving the fortune teller scam call, but of course, that doesn’t mean we stopped receiving scam calls altogether.

This particular morning, I was at my workplace and it was slowly but surely starting to get busy. I was at the reception of the building, sorting the packages, when the phone rang.

Me: “[Workplace], good morning!”

Scammer: “Hello, this is Windows. Ma’am, please listen: your computer has malware.”

I smile, just as my coworker arrives.

Me: “Malware, reeeeaaaally now?”

Scammer: “Yes, ma’am, I can help—”

Me: *Interrupting* “Oh, please humor me. Please tell me exactly which one of the sixty computers in the building has malware. Pinpoint it for me, will you?”

Coworker: “What do you mean, malware?”

Me: *Loud enough for the scammer to hear* “Nah, don’t worry; it’s a scam call.”

Scammer: *After a pause* “What makes you think it’s a scam call, ma’am?”

Me: “Oh, I know your kind. So, which one of the sixty computers is it?”

Coworker: “[My Name], come on, we have stuff to do.”

Me: *sighing* “Too bad…” *To the scammer* “Sorry, pal, I don’t have as much time on my hands as you do, and I actually have some work to do. However, since you are happy to spend your day on the phone to scam and steal from people, why don’t you just go work in a call center like 911 or other emergency services? You would make money, actually save lives, and be useful for once. Anyway, bye, go bother someone else.”

And I hung up. That’s a shame; I really wanted to hear him try to come up with an answer to which of the non-existent computers it could be.

Related:
What, You Didn’t See That Coming?

I am a 911 call taker. If you don’t know, telemarketers randomly generate phone numbers, and they often accidentally call our emergency line.

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Robot: “Hello, your car’s extended warranty is almost expired. Press one to talk to a representative.”

Me: “Oh, my God, guys, it’s gonna happen! I’m gonna talk to a real person!”

Coworker: “I’m excited for you. Go ahead!”

I press one.

Telemarketer: “Hello you’ve reach—”

Me: “911, what’s your emergency?”

Telemarketer: “Oh. there’s no emergency.”

Me: “Ma’am, you called 911. What’s the emergency?”

Telemarketer: “We don’t make calls, ma’am.”

Me: “This is abuse of emergency lines. We can track your location and send you a fine for this.”

The telemarketer hangs up.

Coworker: “Did you actually track the call?”

Me: “No, but she doesn’t know that.”

I am the only closing supervisor one weekend. The other supervisor has quit, I am the only one left with nighttime availability on the weekend, and I am — to put it mildly — a bit fried. I am running back and forth between the register (being the only one with keys means only I can do overrides), the sales floor (being the only one with supervisor credentials means only I can do online orders), and the back room (because I’m trying to do the closing chores like locking the dumpster chute). I’m tired, I’m in pain, and I’m in no mood to suffer fools.

And then, the store phone rings.

Me: “Thank you for calling the [Location] of [Our Store]. How can I help you?”

Man: “Good evening, madam! I am [Man] and I am calling from the corporate office.”

Immediately, I’m suspicious. Our corporate office is based three time zones away, and they only call on weekdays between typical office hours, not at 8:00 pm on a Saturday night.

Me: “…uh-huh?”

Man: “‘Uh-huh’? That’s a great attitude to have, b****!”

He hangs up rather violently. I’m left gaping at the phone in my hand, and then I start to laugh. I immediately send a text to my boss.

Text: “Hey, boss, just FYI, someone claiming to be from corporate just called. Pretty sure it’s a scam, but we’re okay. I’ll email you the details when I get home.”

Turns out that some of the other stores in our company had been hit by the same call. The caller cons whoever answers into taking money out of the safe and using it to buy store gift cards, giving the numbers for the gift cards over the phone, and then destroying them.

Apparently, it was our turn, and I’m a b****. I can live with that.

I work night shifts, so I am usually asleep from around 9:00 am to 4:00 pm, at which point I wake up to run errands before work. I’m not sure if the new year has anything to do with it, but I’ve been getting a lot of calls from car warranty places and other scams. This was a new one.

The phone rings while I’m sleeping. I look at my phone to see “South Dakota Govt” come across the screen and this wakes me up a little more.

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yes, this is US customs calling to inform you that we have confiscated one of the packages that was to be delivered to you. In order to clear this up and to pay for your package to be released from us, we need to verify some information. Is this [My Mom]?”

Me: “No. This is [My Name].”

Caller: “Oh. So, this is not [Mom]? Are you sure you are not her?”

This person already sounds suspicious.

Me: “No, I am not.”

Caller: “So, are you Mrs. [My Last Name]?”

Me: “No. I am a Miss [My Last Name], but not that one.”

Caller: “Oh, that is perfectly fine. Can you verify your date of birth for us so we can compare it to the information on the package?”

I’m now very suspicious; what does my date of birth have to do with what’s in a package? They should be verifying my address instead. I pull my phone away from my ear for a moment and look at the number being dialed in. Blinking, I see that it is a cell number from our town.

Me: *Sighing* “No, I won’t be giving you my date of birth. I can see right now that you are calling from a cell number, idiot.”

They hung up.

I get a [Telco] Technical Department scam call. I press one to get connected.

Scammer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello.”

Scammer: “How are you doing today?”

Me: “I’m doing fine, and yourself?”

Scammer: “I’m good. I’m [Scammer] from [Telco] Technical Department. How are you doing today?”

Me: “I’m doing fine, and yourself?”

This is not a typo. We really did go through this twice.

Scammer: “I’m good. I’m calling you today because over the past couple of weeks we have been receiving errors from your Internet connection, and—”

Me: “Sorry to interrupt, but the automated message said you were transferring me onto the [Network]?”

Scammer: “Well, yes, but we’ve also been getting error messages because hackers have gotten access to your Internet connection, and someone is using your Internet connection without your authorisation.”

Me: “How did they get access to my Internet connection?”

Scammer: “Because they have hacked your IP address and compromised your Internet connection.”

Me: “And how have they done this?”

Scammer: “The hackers know a process to hack your IP address.”

Me: “And what is this process?”

Scammer: “I don’t know. I just know that hackers have gotten into your IP address.”

Me: “I thought you said that you knew this process?”

Scammer: “Oh, my God, are you stupid?! I don’t know the process the hackers used. All I know is that the hackers have gotten access to your IP address, and unless we fix it, your Internet will be cut within the next twenty-four hours, okay?”

Me: “Okay.” *Beat* “But what’s the process?”

They hung up.