Me: “Welcome to [Phone Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi. My phone doesn’t work.”

Me: “Okay, You’ve rung the number to find out who your phone company is currently. Would you like to know who your phone company is so you can report it?”

Customer: *getting angry* “No, I want to know why my phone doesn’t work. There is nothing on the other end, no dial tone, nothing. I can’t make any calls!”

Me: “You would have to report that to your phone company. Do you know who that is?”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: *now a bit confused* “Erm… sorry?”

Customer: “I don’t have a phone company. I found an old telephone in the shed, so I plugged it in to the wall to see what would happen, and I can’t make any calls! It’s a disgrace!”

Me: *rendered speechless* “Erm…”

Customer: “What if I was dying or something ? How would I make a call? The government should do something about it; this is a disgrace!”

Me: “So how are you calling me right now?”

Customer: “On my cell phone.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you unless you want to know who your home-phone company is, and… you don’t have one.”

Customer: “That’s not good enough! I’m not hanging up until you tell me who I can complain to about this!”

Me: “Madam, as I said before, we are a customer service line to let you know who your current land-line provider is. As you don’t have a land-line, you don’t have a provider. And plugging a phone into a random socket doesn’t mean you automatically have a phone service. With anyone.”

(The customer would not hang up until I gave them the number of ‘someone’ who could fix this. Eventually I gave them the number of the Telecommunications Ombudsman, which she seemed quite happy with. I wonder what THEY made of her call?)

(I work for the phone company as an operator and get this directory assistance call one day.)

Customer: “I would like a number for George [Last Name] in [Town].”

Me: “Under [Last Name] in [Town], I don’t have a listing for a George, but I do have a listing for an Albert [Last Name] and a Brian [Last Name].”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll take George’s number.”

Me: “I don’t have a listing for a George but I do have listings for Albert and Brian.”

Customer: “Then give me George’s number!”

Me: “Okay, which George would you like, Albert or Brian?”

Customer: “…”

(I work in store for one of Australia’s largest phone and Internet companies. An older customer walks in to pay a bill for $14.99. Australian currency doesn’t come in pennies, the smallest denomination being 5c, so he has to pay $15.)

Me: “And there’s your receipt. Do you need help with anything else?”

Customer: “It says here I paid off $14.99.”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: “I gave you $15. I should be building up a credit.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I want my credit!”

(I had to process a 1c bill payment for this guy so he’d get his credit. I was told that he came back when I wasn’t working a week later to complain that the credit hadn’t show up on his next bill!)

(I work for a large national mobile company. Road works cut our fibre cable and the network goes down. One gentleman keeps coming in and terrorising my staff.)

Customer: “You broke the network. I demand to be back up and running, now.”

Me: “Sir, I understand the frustration. Unfortunately we all have to wait until the cable is fixed; there isn’t any way around it.”

Customer: “Why did you cut the cable?”

Me: “Sir, I didn’t cut the cable. The road workers did.”

Customer: *all red faced and angry* “All you people are the same, useless! Why don’t you go out there and help them?!”

Me: *fed up* “Because then there wouldn’t be anyone here for you to yell at.”

(I live abroad for work reasons. During a holiday in my home country, my girlfriend and I go to a shopping mall. She enters a clothing store and I wait for her outside. Just in front of the store there is a stand of a phone and Internet company, known to have insistent salespeople.)

Agent: *to me* “Sir, are you interested in our calls and broadband offers?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Agent: “But we have—” *insert rant about mega-speed internet access and cheap long distance calls*

Me: “As I said, thank you but I’m not interested. Anyway, where I live I’m not even covered by your service.”

Agent: “That’s impossible!”

Me: “Oh, believe me; I’m not covered by your service.”

Agent: “That’s what you think, but you’ll be surprised!”

Me: “If you like I can try to sign up. But mind that I’m 100% sure I’m not under your coverage.”

Agent: “Well done, sir, you won’t be disappointed!

(He explains all the plans and helps me to find a suitable one.)

Agent: “So, what’s your landline number, starting with the area code?”

Me: “It’s +31…”

Agent: “Sorry?”

Me: “My area code is +31.”

Agent: *confused* “+31… but that sounds like an international area code.”

Me: “It is. I live in the Netherlands.”

Agent: “Is that a joke?”

Me: *welcoming my girlfriend and walking away* “I told you I was not under your coverage!”

Agent: *incoherent muttering*