I’m Glutenarian

, , , , , , | Working | August 17, 2018

(As someone with Celiac disease, I always have to mention my gluten allergy at restaurants. Most places have excellent training when it comes to allergens. I’m in an ice cream shop.)

Me: “Can I get a small cone? I also need it gluten-free for an allergy.”

Employee: “Sure, no problem. Would you like a waffle cone with that?”

Me: “No… I have a gluten allergy.”

Employee: “Oh, well, I don’t know the community.”

Refund Of Limitations

, , , , | Right | August 9, 2018

(I am working the customer service desk on a slow night at a popular baby store.)

Me: “Hi! Welcome to [Baby Store]! Do you need help finding anything today?”

Customer: “Yes, I’d like to return this.”

(The customer brings around a baby swing.)

Me: “I don’t recall seeing this product on our floor. Let me see if it came from us.”

(I scan it and it says the UPC is not found.)

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, it looks like this didn’t come from us.”

Customer: “Well, this is your shipping label, and I need to return this.”

Me: “Okay. When was it purchased and do you have a receipt?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a receipt! I purchased it seven years ago, and need to return it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, ma’am, this product has been out of our computer system for so long that it doesn’t recognize the UPC as an item from our store. Your best bet would be selling it on eBay to at least get some money out of it.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! I would like to speak to your manager.”

(I call my manager up, and she tells her the exact same thing I did. The lady grabs her swing and swears she’s never coming back. The look on my manager’s face is priceless.)

Manager: “She kept that thing for seven years and thought she could just return it? Some people.”

Vote Now For Fraud!

, , , , | Legal | July 22, 2018

(I am going door to door for a City Council candidate.)

Me: “Hello, I’m out today supporting [Candidate] for City Council. I was wondering if he could count on your support in the election?”

Voter: “You know it is illegal for you to ask me that. There is a reason they call it a secret ballot.”

(This isn’t true. It is completely legal to discuss who you are voting for with anyone as well as who they are voting for; you just can’t require someone in any way to disclose who they vote for.)

Me: “That’s all right. Just so you know, ballots need to be turned in by Tuesday. Make sure to turn yours in, and I hope [Candidate] has earned your vote.”

Voter: “Maybe he has; maybe he hasn’t. Would you be willing to give me $10? That might push me in [Candidate]’s direction.”

Me: “It literally is illegal for you to ask me that!

Makes You Wish You Could Just Die(late)

, , , , , , | Healthy | July 22, 2018

(I have just had an eye exam. This time I need mine dilated. The exam is good, and afterward, my grandma and I decided to head to [Restaurant] for breakfast. Note that, per doctor’s orders — and because I’m not stupid — I have my sunglasses on inside the restaurant itself. Any logical person would mind their own d*** business, despite there being a young adult sitting in a room with her back towards the window with sunglasses on. One lady, however, doesn’t get that and comes up to the table.)

Lady: “Why do you have sunglasses on?”

Me: *because it’s loud and I can’t hear well* “I’m sorry?”

Lady: “I said, ‘Why do you have your sunglasses on in here?!’ You’re high, aren’t you? You must be high!”

Me: *trying to keep a polite approach in the hopes that she leaves* “Ma’am, I can assure you, I’ve never even touched marijuana.”

Lady: “That’s what a pothead would say!”

Me: “So, because I have my sunglasses on inside, I’m a pothead, am I?”

Lady: “Yes, you f****** are! That stuff is bad for you!”

Me: “Certainly, because I’m allergic to the smell.”

(This is true. I get incredibly dizzy with the smell of weed.)

Lady: “You’re lying! You just had a blunt, and now you’re having a case of the munchies!”

Me: “Please, leave us alone.”

Lady: “Not until you leave!”

(I’m annoyed and have a headache from the noise, and my eyes are hurting, and I’m hangry. I move my sunglasses so she can see my eyes.)

Me: “THEY’RE BIG, NOT RED!”

(The lady, I guess not expecting a 4’11” girl to snap, stepped back and scurried off to whatever she was doing before. I can get not being a fan of weed — like I said, I have an allergy with the smell of it — but even if I had been smoking it, what good would yelling at me do? Sometimes just keep your opinion to yourself.)

Burping Gets You Some Hangups

, , , , , , | Romantic | July 17, 2018

(Due to being a small business owner, I get all types of spam calls, but due to the clientele and our cloud-based services, I can’t afford to not answer the phone, as it may be a client’s phone number I’m just not familiar with. A particularly dense and determined telemarketer calls me repeatedly from one of those “unknown ID” lines that are impossible to trace. I am getting fed up with them, and so is my girlfriend. She decides to answer the call since my attempts thus far to get them to stop have been unsuccessful:)

Girlfriend: *sultry voice* “Are you ready for something hot and satisfying?”

Telemarketer: “…huh?”

(My girlfriend lets out a low and guttural belch into the phone and hangs up.)

Me: “You are disgusting.”

Girlfriend: “But effective!”

(She was right; they didn’t call back!)

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