(I’m working the front desk, which includes taking calls.)

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling [Gym]. This is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to ask about today’s scheduled [fitness class].”

Me: “No problem. Let me just check that for you.”

(I do a quick check of the day’s schedule.)

Me: “Hi, thanks for waiting. Today we will be having that class at 3:00 pm, and again at 7:00 pm. [Instructor] will be handling both classes.”

Caller: “Okay. Will [Member I know] be attending?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I wouldn’t know. Our classes are open to all members, so it’s certainly possible.”

Caller: “Could you find out for me? I don’t want to go to the same class as him. He’s so ugly!”

Me: “Um… Well, ma’am, I really couldn’t say. All I know is that he isn’t in right now. Whether he comes to the gym today is beyond me, let alone whether he’s attending [fitness class].”

Caller: “But can’t you call him and find out?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I’m fairly certain this doesn’t fit under any of the reasons we’re allowed to contact members outside of the gym.”

Caller: “Oh, but just this once, please? I really don’t want to be in the same class as him.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can’t help you with this, right now or ever.”

Caller: *suddenly shouting* “FINE, BUT IT’LL BE YOUR FAULT IF MY CLASS IS RUINED!” *hangs up angrily*

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(My dad’s American and my mom is from the Philippines. Every couple years, we visit Mom’s side of the family. One of my cousins has a new girlfriend, and all the aunts and uncles are excited to meet her for the first time. My parents and I end up being unavailable when he brings her to meet the family, so later we ask my aunt, that cousin’s mom, about her.)

Mom: “So, how did it go? How was she?”

Aunt: “Healthy.”

Mom: “Okay? What was she like, though?”

Aunt: “Just healthy.”

(I asked my mom about this later, and she confirmed that my aunt was saying the girlfriend was fat. No other indication of her personality or accomplishments, just that she was fat. As much as I like being Filipina, they can be savage, and I’m glad I don’t spend a lot of time with that side of the family.)

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(I’m showing a prospective client around one of our condominium showrooms.)

Me: “All right, do you have any other questions?”

Customer: “Yes, does the unit come with a parking slot?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. All of our condominiums come with at least one parking slot.”

Customer: “Can I park my yacht there?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’ve honestly never been asked that question. Let me call my manager and get back to you.”

(I step aside to make a call as she heads to the bathroom.)

Me: “Hi, [Manager], I have a client here asking if she can use her parking slot in [Area] for a yacht.”

Manager: “That’s new. Well, if it fits, sure.”

(I hang up just as the customer comes back.)

Me: “Ma’am, my manager says that if you can fit it down there, you can park your yacht.”

Customer: “Oh, no, I’m not sure it would make it. But thank you for checking!”

This story is included in our Philippines roundup – part of the Not Always Right World Tour!

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(I’m in line at a burger place, on my way home from work. The customer before me has just finished placing a massive order for his seated family and is deciding on dessert.)

Customer: “I guess we’ll take five sundaes.”

Cashier: “Certainly, sir. Would those be caramel or hot fudge sundaes?”

Customer: “What’s the difference?”

Cashier: “Just in the topping, sir. Caramel or hot fudge.”

Customer: “But what’s the difference between those two?”

Cashier: “Sir, one has hot fudge on it, and the other has caramel sauce.”

Customer: “But what is that?”

Cashier: “Sir?”

Customer: “What is caramel?”

Cashier: “It’s basically melted sugar.”

Customer: “So, it’s sweet?”

Cashier: “Yes, sir.”

Customer: *after a pause* “I like sweet desserts.”

Cashier: “So, will that be five caramel sundaes?”

Customer: “Is caramel sweeter than chocolate?”

Cashier: “I think so, sir.”

Customer: “Will I like it?”

Cashier: “If you like sweet things, yes, sir.”

Customer: “Will my family like it?”

Cashier: “If they like sweet desserts, I’m sure they’ll like our caramel sundae.”

Customer: “Ice cream is complicated.”

(Suddenly, a woman seated nearby with kids — presumably his family — shouts:)

Woman: “Just give him apple pies!”

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(My grandma never likes to waste food. Back when my mom was a kid, Grandma would always give the classic “There are children starving in Africa!” argument. Then they move to the Philippines.)

Grandma: “Finish your food. There are children starving right down the street!”

Uncle: *bolts out of his seat, picks up his plate, and heads for the door*

Grandma: “Where are you going?”

Uncle: “I’m going to go give it to them!”

(She stopped using that argument after that.)

This story is included in our Philippines roundup – part of the Not Always Right World Tour!

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