(I work at a place that sells ice cream and Italian ice.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Ice Cream Parlor]. What can I get you today?”

Customer: “I want something blue!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have anything blue today. Our flavors are listed on the board to your right.”

Customer: *ignoring the flavor list* “Well, then, I want green!”

Me: “I’m sorry, we also don’t have anything green today. We only have the flavors on the board.”

Customer: “You don’t have lemon!?”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you said you wanted green. But yes, we do have lemon.”

Customer: “Wait! Lemons aren’t green?”

(We run a camp for dogs to play. We often let the owners know of bad dog behavior.)

Customer: “How did our dog do today?”

Me: “Well, sir, he did a lot of humping today.”

Customer: “Just like his dad.”

Customer’s Wife: “Oh my God.”

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

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Customer: “I want to get a falcon. How would I do that?”

Me: “Well, falcons are wild animals and can be very dangerous. If you want to get into falconry, you have to do a lot of research. I’m pretty sure you’d need a license to own a bird like that.”

Customer: “Well, those are easy to get, right?”

Me: “Well, no.”

Customer: *points to parrot cage* “That’d be big enough for a falcon, right?”

Me: “No, you’d need something much bigger.”

Customer: “Oh, and I wouldn’t really need one of those gloves, right? I can just wear my sweater and the claws won’t go through.”

Me: “Certainly not! There’s a reason those gloves are made of thick leather! Without one, you’d be badly hurt!”

Customer: “Oh. Well, do you guys sell falcons here?”

Me: “No, we don’t. Why do you want a falcon, anyway?”

Customer: “I want to support my favorite football team! I figure having a pet falcon would be a great tribute!”

Customer: “Hi, I need some help.”

Me: “Of course, sir. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I want to buy a dog.”

Me: “We don’t sell dogs or cats here. Our company has a policy against it because of the number of unwanted dogs in animal shelters.”

Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? Of course you sell dogs. They’re right there!”

Me: “Actually, that’s our grooming salon, where customers can bring their pets for a haircut or bath. Would you like me to show you the adoption computer?”

Customer: “It’s nice that you’re making the dogs pretty for me. Now, when can I see them?”

Me: “Those dogs belong to other people, sir. It’s a grooming salon.”

Customer: *sighs* “Fine, I get it. They’re all sold.”

(The customer sees a woman walking by with a Labrador on a leash.)

Customer: “I’ll take that one, then. I can get a discount since it’s a floor model, right?”

This story is part of the American States roundup!

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Customer: “I’m looking for the Boston Zagat Restaurant guide; do you have a local interest section that would have it?”

(We’re in Philadelphia.)

Me: “No. Boston isn’t local. The restaurant guide would be with the rest of the Boston travel books.”

Customer: “Well, there aren’t any on the shelf.”

Me: “We must be out of stock. I could order it for you.”

Customer: “No. Are there any local stores around here that would have it?”

Me: “Boston is not local. Maybe you should wait until you go to Boston and buy it there.”

Customer: “Good idea.”

This story is part of our 2nd Terrible At Geography roundup!

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