(A customer comes to the register and puts a leather-bound copy of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ on the counter.)
Customer: “Yes, I would like to return this book; it wasn’t what I expected.”
Me: “Okay, I can do that for you.”
Customer: “It was terrible; it’s not at all like the television show.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “It’s my favorite show, and I was really excited to read this, but I don’t know what they were thinking with this book.”
(I am dumbfounded, but I finish the transaction and send the customer on her way. The next customer in line approaches.)
Next Customer: “How is it you manage to get through a full day of that sort of bull-s*** and not punch yourself in the face?”
Me: “No idea, sir.”
Me: “Hello, thank for you calling [Company]; how can I hep—”
Customer: “YOU ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST ME!”
Me: “I’m sorr—”
Customer: “MY ACCOUNT STATEMENTS ARE ONLY ONE SIDED! MY FRIEND GETS DOUBLE-SIDED STATEMENTS! THIS IS DISCRIMINATION!”
(I’m a waitress in a popular buffet chain restaurant. I am serving a middle-aged customer who is wearing a shirt that has a picture of Cthulhu and the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a heart. Beneath it is the caption ‘we met on the internet’.)
Me: “That’s a great shirt!”
Woman: “Thanks. I think it says a lot about the kind of people you find on the internet.”
Me: “How do you mean?”
Woman: “You know, how there’s nothing but monsters online.”
(My dad is calling up the local electronics store to see if a TV is in stock.)
My Dad: “Yes, I’m calling to see if you have the 46″ Samsung TV in stock?”
Employee: “Hang on…” *shouts off the phone* “…do we have any Sam-Sing things?”
My Dad: “No, it’s Samsung. The 46″ Samsung TV.”
Employee: “Oh, okay…” *shouts again* “Do we have the Samsung 36″ TV?”
My Dad: “Not 36″. 46″.”
Employee: “Okay…” *shouts again* “Do we have the 42″ Samsung?”
My Dad: “You know what, never mind…”
Cashier: *waves his hand* “You want cheese sauce on your soft pretzels.”
Me: “Your Jedi mind tricks will not fool me. These are the droids I’m looking for.”
Cashier: “Ah, your mind is strong…” *pauses* “I hate normal conversations.”
Me: “I agree.”
