(I work on the retail side of a pharmacy, usually stocking shelves or helping customers. One day a young lady, maybe 19 or 20, approaches me, clearly embarrassed.)
Customer: *whispering* “Do you have, um, like, douches, but, um, for, like, the…” *I can now barely hear her* “…butt?”
Me: *stifling laughter* “Enema. The word you’re looking for is ‘enema,’ and yes, over this way.”
(I will forever call them “butt douches” from now on.)
(I’m the customer in this story. I am Caucasian, of Irish and Scottish descent, and have extremely pale skin.)
Me: “Hi. Do you have melanin?”
Pharmacy Worker: “Sorry?”
Me: “Melanin, do you guys carry it?”
Pharmacy Worker: “No, I don’t think so.”
Me: “Drat, are you sure? My doctor told me I should get some before I went on my trip.”
Pharmacy Worker: “I don’t think it works like that.”
Me: “With respect, I’m going to listen to my doctor about how to treat my jet lag.”
Pharmacy Worker: “Jet lag? OH! You mean melatonin!“
Me: “Yes! Wait, did I say, ‘melanin’? Oh, my God, oops.”
(Melatonin is a sleep-related hormone you can buy over the counter in Canada; melanin is the compound that darkens your skin when you tan. I may be a bit short on melanin, but I wasn’t expecting to buy it at the pharmacy!)
(It’s about twenty minutes before closing and there’s one customer left in the store. This particular customer always comes in about two hours before closing every night and wanders the store until closing. He only ever buys two or three small items. He comes up to my register.)
Me: *after ringing in his items* “Your total is [total]. How would you like to pay?”
Customer: “I have a gift card.”
(We accept gift cards so I see no problem, until the customer hands me the card.)
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this is an Amazon gift card. You can only use it on Amazon.”
Customer: “No. I can use it here, too. You guys accept gift cards.”
Me: “We do accept certain gift cards, but you can’t use this one here.”
Customer: “Just scan it; you’ll see that it works!”
Me: “Sir, there is no barcode or magnetic strip on this card. There’s only a number on the back that you can type in on the Amazon website. You can’t use this here. Do you have another form of payment?”
Customer: *getting irritated* “I don’t know why you won’t just use it! I’ve used it here before!”
Me: “Sir, we don’t accept these. I need another form of payment.”
Customer: “Just use this card!”
(This goes back and forth for several minutes.)
Customer: “Where in here does it say I can’t use gift cards?!”
Me: “Right here on the back of the card.” *reads where the card says it can only be used on Amazon*
Customer: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!”
(He grabbed his items and slammed it back down on the shelf and stormed out. By then it was twenty minutes past closing.)
(I work at a very busy pharmacy. One evening, our men’s restroom takes a turn for the worst and I have the privilege of setting it straight. I post a sign on the door that says, “CLOSED FOR CLEANING,” in red marker, and gather my supplies. A few minutes into the job, the door opens, and a man sticks his head in and asks:)
Man: “Is the bathroom closed?”
(It has been a really long day, with a lot of stupid questions, and I just can’t help myself.)
Me: *snapping a blue glove onto my hand* “Nope, we are giving out free prostate exams. I don’t have any lube, but I do have bleach. Step on in so we can get this over with.”
(He no longer needed the restroom.)
(I work as a cashier in a popular pharmacy. Recently our store has been doing some renovations. Nothing too big, just moving some shelves around and moving all the registers to one side of the store. One night I come into work and have this conversation with a customer.)
Customer: “You guys are going to be closed within six months.”
Me: *confused* “What do you mean, sir?”
Customer: “You moved everything around. How are we supposed to find anything?! You moved the toilet paper next to the freezers! Now what sense does that make?! You be closed within a year, mark my words.”
Me: *slightly shocked but still smiling and courteous* “Well, I hope not, sir.”
Customer: “You will. YOU WILL!”
Me: “Can I get your store card, sir?”
Customer: “…”
(I ring him up and things go smoothly until I hand him the receipt.)
Me: “Okay, here’s your receipt, sir.”
Customer: “I’ve been shopping here for seven f****** years, and you go and change things like this!”
Me: “Well, thank you for shopping with us today, sir.”
Customer: *glares and walks out*
