(An elderly lady approaches the counter.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I need some dish bags.”

(Unaware of what dish bags are, I assume she means dish rags.)

Me: “I’m not sure what that is and if we carry it. I would look in the cleaning section.”

Customer: “Well, my doctor said I could get it here.”

Me: “Okay, well I would check that aisle.”

(The customer leaves and returns after a couple minutes.)

Customer: “I didn’t find them!”

Me: “Can you tell me again what it is you need?”

Customer: “Dish bags.”

Me: “And you say your doctor told you to get them here?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry. I’ve never heard of dish bags and I don’t believe I’ve seen anything like that here.”

Customer: “Well, this is ridiculous! What am I going to do?”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, would you like me to ask our pharmacist about them?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I go get the pharmacist to assist me.)

Pharmacist: “So, what is a dish bag used for?”

Customer: “Jeeze! You clean your lady parts with it!”

(We have a free self-use blood pressure machine in our pharmacy.)

Customer: “When are you going to fix your blood pressure machine?”

Pharmacist: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Your blood pressure machine is broken. Every time I come in here, it doesn’t work! You should really take care of it. Lots of old people need to check their blood pressure, you know!”

Me: “Are you sure? I just filled the paper roll the other day. It was working fine.”

Customer: “No, it’s not! I’ve been trying to use it for days. It’s not working. You should really take care of it!”

(I take a look at the machine and try to troubleshoot the problem. I sit in the seat, roll up my sleeve, put it in the cuff, and push the big green “Start” button. The cuff inflates normally.)

Customer: “You mean you’re supposed to push that button?!”

Customer: “Hey, I want some Tylenol.”

Me: “For children or for adults?”

Customer: “For adults.”

Me: “At the moment, we only have the generic kind available. You know, paracetamol, also known as acetaminophen?”

Customer: “No! I don’t want any acetaminophen! Give me the other one!”

Me: “Ma’am, they are the same thing, just different names for the same ingredient.”

Customer: “Well, I just want the first one you named. Just don’t give me the other one.”

Patient: “Hi, my six-month-old grandson has some congestion in his nose and a fever. I gave him some NyQuil yesterday and that seemed to help. Is there anything you would recommend?”

Me: “For the congestion, you can use these saline drops, they’re–”

Patient: “No! I don’t wanna use that medicated stuff.”

Me: “All right. Well, for the fever you can try this Tylenol. Do you know the wei–”

Patient: “No! I don’t want to use that! It has acetaminophen in it! That’s not safe for babies.”

Me: “Actually, acetaminophen is quite safe for infants.”

Patient: “You’re a pharmacist. You would say that!”

Me: “Well, the only other option is the Advil.”

Patient: “That has acetaminophen too!”

Me: “No, that has ibuprofen. Which is also saf–”

Patient: “No, it isn’t!”

Me: “Are you aware that NyQuil has acetaminophen in it?”

Patient: “You lie! NyQuil has NyQuil in it! Isn’t there anything more natural I can give?!”

Me: “No.”

Patient: “You’re useless!” *storms off*

(I’ve been working for quite a while, so my voice is scratchy. Near the end of my shift, an old man comes to the counter.)

Customer: “Hm. You’re losing your voice there, eh?”

Me: “Haha. A little bit, I suppose.”

Customer: “Well, that’s the end of the world for a woman.”

Me: “Ha ha…” *confused as to where he’s going with this*

Customer: “HAHAHA, YOU CAN’T YELL AT ME!” *does a victory dance*