More Than A Baby-Sized Coincidence

, , , , | Right | January 5, 2021

My parents own a pet shop. Mum runs it most of the time as Dad still has his day job at the local train station.

One of the guinea pigs has given birth, and when Mum goes to check on them, she notices that a baby has disappeared. She’s upset that the baby will die, being taken from his mother so early, and calls Dad at work to tell him. Dad tells her that there’s nothing they can do as the thief is probably long gone, and that he’s about to leave work. Fifteen minutes later he walks in the door.

Dad: “Look what I have.”

He opens his hand to show the tiny guinea pig.

Mum: “Wha… Where did you find it?”

Dad: “As I was leaving work, I noticed a bunch of kids. One kid was showing off the baby guinea pig he got from the pet shop that morning. I just took it off him and told him that if I ever see him in my pet shop again, I will be calling the police.”

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From Now On, This Is What We’re Calling ‘Em…

, , , , , | Right | January 4, 2021

I overhear a tourist on the phone at a park that has lots of peacocks.

Tourist: “There’s blue disco chickens everywhere here, man…”

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The Best Kind Of Lie Is Actually True

, , , , , | Working | January 1, 2021

I answer the phone to a telemarketer one day and decide to have a little fun.

Telemarketer: “May I speak to the male head of household, please?”

Me: “Oh, sorry, he can’t be disturbed right now. He’s in his cage in the basement, sleeping off the drugs.”

Telemarketer: “…” *Click*

My roommate and I are both female, as are our two cats. The only male resident of the house is our dog, who happened to be in his downstairs kennel recovering from a dental cleaning!


This story is part of our Best Of January 2021 roundup!

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Thank You For Being A (Furry) Friend

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 1, 2021

My husband and I are in the car with our dog, driving back home. We get into our apartment complex and we’re nearly to our building when I see a dog I vaguely recognize wandering aimlessly through the parking lot without a leash, collar, or person nearby. I immediately put the car in park and get out to slowly approach the dog. I recognize that I have met this dog and his owner before; he’s a huge, strong breed but sweet and gentle as a lamb. I cautiously reach out to him and he happily ambles over and lets me pet him.

I still don’t see anyone around or hear anyone calling for him, so I ask my husband to take our dog’s leash and harness off of our dog so I can use it to help the lost dog get home. All the while, this absolutely massive dog is calmly letting me pet him and sniffing around gently, showing no signs that he’s stressed or thinks it at all weird that a stranger stopped in the middle of the parking lot to pet him.

I show him my dog’s leash and slowly bring it up to his face, asking if he’s okay with me putting it on him. He seems perfectly content with the leash, but the harness is too small to fit around his gigantic neck! I loop it around as best I can, and we set off, leaving my very confused dog in the car with my husband, wondering what’s going on.

I walk the dog over to the apartment building where I’ve seen him before, but I have no idea which unit he lives in. So, feeling a bit crazy, I ask him where he lives! This enormous, bulky dog seems to understand me perfectly, and he gently leads me straight up to the door of a unit on the ground floor! Now I really feel crazy, but seeing no other option, I knock.

After a minute, a confused man answers and stares at me. 

Me: “So, um, is this your dog?”

Man: “What? How? Yeah, that’s Lightning!”

Lightning looks super happy to see the man and immediately trots inside.

Me: “I found him over by [my building].”

Man: “Woah, thank you! He must have gotten away from my girlfriend while she was walking him and Thunder. I didn’t even know he was lost!”

Me: “I get it; my dog has escaped before, too. I’m just glad he knew the way back home! But, um, that was actually my dog’s leash and harness he was wearing.”

Man: “Oh, yeah.”

He still seems super confused as to how his dog could have gotten away and back home again without him even realizing what was happening. He takes the leash off Lightning and gives it back to me.

Man: “Okay, then… Bye.”

Me: “Have a good night.”

As I’m walking back to my apartment, I see the man’s girlfriend with their other dog, Thunder. She’s calling for Lightning and looking super stressed.

Me: “Don’t worry, I found him! He showed me the way to your place so I just dropped him off!”

Woman: “Wow, no way! Thank you so much! I can’t believe it!”

She laughed with relief.

I headed home, laughing at how the huge and powerful dog Lightning knew the way back to his house the whole time but, for some reason, decided he needed a human buddy to walk him home! I guess sometimes we all just need a friend.


This story is part of our Feel Good roundup for January 2021!

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It Doesn’t Get Betta, Part 2

, , , , | Right | December 30, 2020

I am the manager of the animal department at a pet store. I am ordering animals when someone pages for help to the fish department.

One of the other managers has beaten me to it and I see him going to catch large feeder goldfish for a woman and a small child, probably around three.

I talk to him about what is going on and he admits to not talking to the lady about size requirements and how big these goldfish can get. We ask her what size tank she has and she says it is a two-gallon. The fish she asked him to catch are already about three inches long and would not even be able to move in a two-gallon tank.

Me: “Ma’am, goldfish require a minimum of a thirty—”

Customer: “Just give me the d*** fish.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I cannot do that. They cannot survive in a two-gallon tank.”

Customer: “They are just twenty-cent fish; just give them to me!”

Me: “No, ma’am, they would slowly suffocate and poison themselves with their waste in a slow, painful death. I am not doing that. I don’t generally recommend anything in that small a tank, but you could probably have a female betta in that tank.”

Customer: “My daughter does not want a betta; she wants a goldfish. Are you going to tell her why she can’t have a goldfish?”

Me: “If you really want me to get down on my knees at her level and tell her she can’t have a goldfish because your tank will slowly torture and kill the fish, I will. I don’t feel it is my place to say something like that to a child, but I will if you really want me to.”

Customer: “Are you the manager?”

Me: “I am the manager of this department.”

Customer: “Get me the store manager.”

Me: “Will do.”

As I was leaving, I heard the mom tell her daughter that we were mean and evil and wouldn’t let her have any fish because we were just so mean and wanted to see her cry. I resisted the urge to turn around and tell the little girl that no, her mom just wanted to torture animals and was too cheap to buy her what she needed. I went and got the store manager and told her what happened and what was said. She told me to stay away and calm down.

About ten minutes later, she came back. She refused the sale and had to argue that a twenty-cent life is still a life. The customer tried to say that anywhere else would sell her the fish. The manager told her that company policy for us is no. She left, vowing to call and complain.

My boss and I are sure we were not the first store to tell her no, based on her immediate response to my informing her of goldfish requirements.

Related:
It Doesn’t Get Betta

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