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There Are Probably A Lot More “Related” Stories In This Family’s Future

, , , , , , , , , | Related | November 7, 2022

We have a little creek behind our house. It’s a nice peaceful spot to unwind most days. Today, my boys, being the avid outdoorsmen that they are, decided to go catch some crawdads and swing on some vines like typical little boys. After I got done mowing some grass, I had to fix my wife’s heat-press, and after MacGyvering the s*** out of it, I felt I deserved a break.

After about three minutes of peace, [Ten-Year-Old] came in all flabbergasted and being his usual diva self.

Ten-Year-Old: “There’s a snake at the creek! It almost bit me! Get a gun!”

Blah, blah, the usual. I kind of blew it off and continued with my lackadaisical afternoon. After a few minutes, my wife gently “encouraged” me to go check on them. Off I went.

I begrudgingly sauntered off to the creek. Upon my arrival, I was witness to quite a sight.

[Ten-Year-Old], my eldest born, the leader of the pack, the standard for my other boys, was ankle-deep in the water, frantically waving a cattleprod taser thing — I’m not entirely sure where he found it — taunting this phantom snake to bring it on.

While I was simultaneously in awe of his fearlessness and dumbfounded about how he had survived as long as he had, I can only assume the snake went full-on “Don’t tase me, bro,” and noped the h*** out of there. I seriously don’t blame the snake; [Ten-Year-Old] was about to take them both out.

I face-palmed but immediately explained the intricacies of electricity and water to my son. He nodded and then ran off to go poop in the woods or whatever [Ten-Year-Old]s do.

[Four-Year-Old], my smartest child, looks at me and says:

Four-Year-Old: “[Ten-Year-Old]’s not very smart.”

And then he proceeded to yeet a rock straight into [Two-Year-Old]’s forehead.

If the children are our future, mine are not going to be very productive. Sorry, everyone else.

Go Volunteer At The Pound Or Something, Weirdo

, , , , , | Friendly | November 4, 2022

I trapped a pregnant stray cat and put her in my bathroom just two days before she gave birth. I posted about the kittens on social media, and my sister immediately shared my post on her own page.

Then, a person I didn’t know messaged me.

Person: “Can I come to see the kittens?”

Me: “I don’t know you.”

Person: “I work at [Restaurant] with [Sister].”

Me: “Oh. Sorry, no visitors.”

Person: “It would only be for like an hour. I love kittens.”

Me: “Again, I am not having visitors.”

Person: “Okay, but like ten minutes? That’s all.”

I blocked [Person], and then I called [Sister] and explained what happened.

Sister: “Oh, yeah, he’s weird. I was nice to him at work, and now he calls me every weekend to ask if I want to hang out. If we weren’t still coworkers, I’d block him, too.”

Me: “Yeah… Please don’t share my posts anymore.”

Sister: “No problem! Sorry about that.”

The kittens are doing well, and their mama is scheduled to be spayed within a few weeks.

You Don’t Get To Vet Other Customers, Lady

, , , , | Healthy | November 2, 2022

My husband and I are taking our dog to the vet. We can see by the number of people in the waiting room that it is going to be quite a wait, but we aren’t sure how severe our dog’s issue is, so we decide to wait anyway. 

I go to the counter to check in and see that one nicely-dressed old woman isn’t wearing a mask. Everyone still masks up indoors here, so I’m sure my displeasure shows on my face when we make eye contact. My husband and I decide to wait outside. 

Eventually, the waiting room is starting to clear out, and the old lady puts a mask on, so we move inside to wait. The old lady is talking exasperatedly to her dog.

Old Lady: “Do you want to sit on my lap or on the floor? Make up your mind! Okay, you want to go here?” *sigh* “Fine, then sit still!”

Some time passes and someone else is called up to see the vet. The old lady goes to the counter to complain about the wait, and the young staff apologizes earnestly and disappears.

A woman in scrubs comes out and approaches the old woman. 

Vet: “I’m really sorry about the wait, but you see, that person was before you. They came in and left their name and then went back to get their pet, so that’s why you didn’t see them. Also, the reason that there is a long wait today is that their pet died, so it’s taking some time. Thank you for your understanding.”

Old Lady: *Embarrassed* “Oh, it’s no problem… I understand…”

A woman in regular clothes came out then, her eyes red from crying and visibly distressed. The vet talked to her quietly for a bit and then the woman left.

I couldn’t help but glare at the old lady again. There’s never a good reason for a long wait at the vet’s office, and she could only think of the inconvenience to herself!

Un-bee-lievable Talent

, , , , , , | Working | October 27, 2022

I’m a bus assistant on a special needs bus. One day, the bus driver and I were pulling out of the bus lot when a bee flew in through an open window. Not wanting to get stung, I quickly moved to another seat.

Me: “Oh, bee! Nope, not happening today.”

The driver pulled over to the side of the parking lot.

Driver: “I can get it. Bees listen to me.”

Me: *Laughing* “What?”

Driver: “No, I’m serious.”

She put the bus in park, grabbed a sheet of paper, and walked to the seat the bee was crawling on.

Driver: “Come here, bee.”

To my surprise, it crawled onto the paper. She stuck the paper with the bee out the open window.

Driver: “Okay, fly away now.”

And the bee did exactly as it was told. We continued on our bus route with zero bees.

Delicious Extinction

, , , , , | Right | October 27, 2022

I do oceans research for an incredible environmental organization. I get a call through on our public line.

Caller: “You people are useless! My favorite f****** fish is gone forever!”

Me: “What are you referring to, ma’am?”

Caller: “You didn’t save it. My fish is now extinct! You should have stopped the fishermen from catching the fish! Now I can’t eat it!”

Me: “…sorry?”

Caller: “You will be! Go and find me more fish!” *Click*

I still have no idea…