I’m working behind the children’s desk when I spy a lost-looking adult. It frequently happens that people new to this location walk right past the check-out desk by the front door and then end up asking for help at the children’s desk.

Me: “Hi! Can I help you with anything today?”

Patron: “Um, yes, it’s my first time here.”

Me: “Welcome!”

Patron: “Thanks, I was looking for books about dogs.”

Me: “Okay, books on dogs for kids?”

Patron: “No, for humans.”

We both stop for a second, and she laughs first, then we both laugh.

Patron: “I mean, for adults, please.”

Me: “As someone who works with tiny humans, I understand where you’re coming from! Those books will be upstairs in 636.7.”

My restaurant hired a new server. She came in on her first day with three or four big bags, like backpacks and tote bags. We have a little area facing the kitchen and away from the customers where we put our stuff, so she put all her bags in that area on the floor and started getting logged in for training videos in a different part of the restaurant. 

Another server was using the POS in the bag area when she looked down and saw in the new girl’s bag, a dog.

A living, breathing dog just chilling on the floor in this tote.

She didn’t say anything about needing a service animal, didn’t say a word about the dog being there at all.

Manager: *To the new hire.* “You’re going to need to take the dog literally anywhere else, he can’t be here.”

The new girl gets in my manager’s face and says:

New Hire: “GIRL, F*** YOU!”

She grabs her bags and dog and walks out the door.

She was clocked in for ten minutes. Didn’t even have time to learn her name.

Customer: “I saw that you make customised water bowls?”

Me: “Yes, we can engrave your pet’s name on it.”

Customer: “Okay, I want one, but first I need to explain. My kitten likes to dig out any potted plant inside the house and then get inside the pot. He likes to curl up and hide inside any plant pot, and then just watch the house from inside it.”

Me: *Wondering where this is going.* “Okay?”

Customer: “And he’s also a little f****** dictator. He meows from his pot and expects us to bring things to him and do his bidding.”

Me: “Right.”

Customer: “So what I’m trying to say is that the cat’s name is Pol Pot and that’s what I’d like engraved on His Majesty’s water bowl.”

Our dog has just had a litter of four puppies. Our children know we will be putting them up for adoption soon, but love having them around during this extra-cute stage, and have decided to name them.

My sister has brought her kids over to see the puppies (and maybe adopt two of them for her own kids) and is asking about them.

Sister: “I heard your kids named them?”

Me: “Yes, these are the two boys, R2, and D2.”

Sister: *Pauses.* “Oh, yeah, your kids are into Star Wars.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Sister: “And let me guess, the girl pups are C3 and PO?”

Me: “We were going to go with that, but the last one just became ‘Pee’ because… well, if you adopt her… you’ll find out… as will every corner of your sofa.”

Both my sisters ended up adopting all the dogs (two boys in one household and two girls in the other) for their respective kids. Puppy ‘Pee’ went back to being ‘PO” after some good training.

I am sitting at a traffic light across from a fast-food restaurant. It is obvious that they are closed but there are still employees inside. I see something that makes me pull in. I drive up to the drive-through speaker and blow the horn. No answer. I pull around to the window and repeat the car horn. Finally, a manager comes and opens the window.

Manager: “Ma’am! We. Are. Closed.”

Me: “I know but—”

Manager: “—Closed!” *Begins to close the window.*

Me: “STOP! There is a BEAR in your dumpster!”

Manager: *Looks up at what I assume is a security camera.* “BOB! Close the door!”

Bob: “I’m taking out the trash.”

Manager: “No! There’s a bear in the dumpster.”

Bob: “No way. A bear? Here?”

Manager: “Yes, a bear. Close the door.” *To me.* “Ma’am, I am sorry about yelling at you. Thank you so much. Bob was going to get eaten.”

Me: “Maybe. But no matter what, it wasn’t going to end well. Now, how are you all leaving?”

After several seconds of looking very concerned, the manager and I agreed that I would drive around to the front door, and drive a couple of employees around the back. I parked directly next to their cars, and they jumped out and into their cars. They then went back to the front to get the rest of the employees and repeat the process.

Manager: “We’re closed. Can I offer you a cookie? It’s the only thing we have left.”

I declined, but I appreciated the offer.