Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah, I need to know what you can do for my dog. He’s really aggressive and tries to bite me and everyone. Do you train dogs here or something?”

Me: “No, sir, but I can refer you to a trainer.”

Customer: “I don’t have time for that! I need advice now. What do you think I should do?”

Me: “Well, sir, is he a show dog?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Are you going to use him for breeding?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “I would suggest that you have him neutered as a first step; it will help calm him down. Also, enroll him in an obedience class. That will–”

Customer: “Neuter him? You mean cut his balls off!?”

Me: “Well…”

Customer: “G**d***it, that’s so typical! All you feminist Nazis all just wanna cut off all us men’s balls!”

(Just then, the main veterinarian comes out from the back to see what the yelling is about.)

Veterinarian: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I’ll tell you what! That girl there suggested I get his balls whacked off!”

Veterinarian: “Now, [My Name], I’ve told you before we don’t treat exotic animals here, haven’t I?”

Me: “Yes, sir?”

Veterinarian: “Well, let’s not have this happen again…” *turns back to the customer* “I am sorry, sir. We normally do not treat large apes, but since my person here already told you we do, I’ll honor it. When would you like to make the appointment?”

Customer: *storms out*

This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Read the Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

Me: “Animal hospital. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Yeah, you got any prostitute dogs?”

Me: “…what, sir?”

Caller: “Prostitute dogs. Do you have them there?”

Me: “I am not quite sure I understand what you are asking me.”

Caller: “My dog won’t stop humping my leg. Do you have any dogs that are prostitutes that he could hump?”

Me: “Sir, those don’t exist.”

Caller: “How do I get him to stop humping me, then?”

Me: “You could get him neutered. That sometimes helps.”

Caller: “F*** NO! I ain’t choppin’ his balls off!”

Me: “I am sorry, I can’t help you.”

Caller: “That’s bulls***. I am going to find me a prostitute dog somewhere else!” *click*

This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Read the Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

Customer: “Hi, do you work here?”

Me: “Yeah, can I help you?”

Customer: “My son is in the hospital because of a car accident, and I want to get him a sympathy card.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that; the sympathy cards are right over here.”

(The customer goes through the cards for a few minutes, and then comes back to find me at the counter.)

Customer: “I found a card for him from me, but I also need one from his dog.”

Me: “His… dog?”

Customer: “Yes, I want to send him a card from his dog to show him that he cares.”

Me: “I don’t think we carry sympathy cards from pets. But, we do have blank cards with pictures of dogs on them that you can use.”

Customer: “No! It has to be a SYMPATHY CARD!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we just don’t sell that card.”

Customer: “Yes, you do! I saw one like it just a few weeks ago! I want to see your manager!”

Manager: “Is there a problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “YES! I need a sympathy card for my son from his dog!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we don’t carry that type of card.”

Customer: “Yes, you do! I saw it here a few weeks ago!”

Manager: “I’m sorry, but we’ve never sold that type of card here before. You could fill out a blank card if you like? They’re pretty cheap, and some have pictures of dogs on them.”

Customer: “Uggghhh!” *throws hands up in the air*

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about seven lbs.”

Customer: “How big are they now?”

Me: “They’re about four lbs right now.”

Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

This story is part of the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

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Read the More-Customers-Versus-Mother-Nature roundup!

(A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

(She came back.)