When I’m With You, It’s Electric

, , , , , | Romantic | April 19, 2018

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on the couch when my cat jumps up and lies down between us. I start petting him, when my boyfriend gets my attention.)

Boyfriend: “Ow!”

Me: “Huh?”

Boyfriend: “He lay down on my hand and when you were petting him, the static built up and discharged through me.”

Me: *starts petting the cat again*

Boyfriend: “Ow. Ow. Ow. It’s going through my pinky, of all fingers!”

Neighbors Can Be A Nosey Breed

, , , , , | Friendly | April 17, 2018

(This conversation happens between my mother and our neighbor. My neighbor told us yesterday that her dog and another were going to breed. My mother runs into her outside.)

Mother: “How’d it go last night? Was there sex?”

Neighbor: “No, he came home from work and was too tired.”

Mother: “I was talking about the dogs.”

Neighbor: “I thought that was a little personal.”

It’s The Stray Details That Matter

, , , | Hopeless | April 15, 2018

I work in an animal shelter, and I know how difficult it is to find owners for certain pets. The older a pet is, the harder it is to get them adopted.

One day, a man walked in to give up an animal, and I sighed inwardly because it was an adult female cat. They are some of the hardest to find homes for. The cat was a beautiful torbie, young and in perfect health, but absolutely terrified.

She never really calmed down around us. She did nothing but hide and freak out whenever someone got too close. We could tell that she wasn’t doing well, as she was losing weight, and her fur was getting a lot thinner.

Then, after almost two months, a girl walked in. She looked like she was about to cry; she was shaking and biting her lip and blinking rapidly. She asked to look at our cats, especially if we had any nervous females. I was surprised and confused by her very unusual request, but I immediately thought of the torbie and took the girl to see her.

As soon as the girl saw the cat, she broke down in tears. To my surprise, the cat responded by letting out a meow, the only sound I’d ever heard her make, and instead of trying to run away, she started to carefully sneak closer.

I couldn’t think of anything to do but watch silently as the girl grabbed the cage, sobbing and blubbering incoherently, and the cat pressed herself against the girls’ fingers.

It took close to twenty minutes before the girl calmed down enough to explain things to me. The cat used to be hers, but her dad gave it away, because neither the cat nor the girl got along well with the rest of the family. Apparently, the cat was a stray that had snuck into their house and stuck around, eventually growing close to the girl, but never really settling in with the rest of the family.

The father had threatened to get rid of the cat and eventually went through with it. Now, the girl had moved out and she’d been looking all over for her cat, desperately hoping she was still alive.

I was overjoyed to see the cat return to her rightful owner. By pure coincidence, I ran into the girl a few months later at a grocery store. She showed me pictures of the cat in their new home. She had adopted an older female cat who got along famously with the first one, and both cats looked like they loved their life. The girl was even buying a grilled chicken just for her cats!

Not So Purrfect Test Score

, , , , , | Learning | April 12, 2018

(I come across an ad on Craigslist. Someone has found a kitten in their backyard but isn’t able to take care of it. I have prior experience with bottle-feeding, so I contact the person and pick it up that morning. Since it is on my way to class, and I won’t have time to go back home, I take the kitten with me inside a lunchbox. We have a test that day, so I pray the tiny creature will stay quiet long enough for nobody to notice. I am the first or second person to class and I sit in my usual spot. The teacher hands out our tests and we begin working. It isn’t long after we begin that a tiny “mew” breaks the silence. I ignore it, and hope that will be the only cry. The kitten meows a couple more times, and my face becomes hot with embarrassment.)

Me: “I’m sorry. That’s a kitten I just rescued. I didn’t have time to run it back home. I can finish the test in the hallway if you want, and leave immediately after.”

Teacher: “Oh! I thought that was somebody’s ringtone! No, you’re fine. Just finish the test in here.”

(I hurried through it and scrambled out of the classroom, with several people giving me strange looks.)

This Dog Food Is Crap

, , , , | Related | April 11, 2018

(My sister and I both get puppies from the same litter and take care of them for each other. My sister’s dog has a talent to get into trouble and eat things — or roll around in them — that are not meant for dog consumption. He’s also a bit more on the sickly side, and often has troubles with indigestion. My sister is out with a friend after taking care of the dogs in the morning, when I call her.)

Me: “Did you know that Theo ate cat poop this morning?”

Sister: “I wasn’t really sure if he did. I thought he found something outside, but I didn’t know what. Sorry for not telling you to keep his tongue off your face, but… Wait.”

(A brief pause ensues, and I can practically hear her thinking.)

Sister: “How do you know he ate cat poop, exactly?”

Me: “Oh, I was just chilling on the sofa watching TV when he came up to me. I thought he wanted to cuddle and went to pick him up, but before I could even touch him he vomited up a completely intact pile of very warmed-up cat poop right next to my feet. Completely. Intact.”

Sister: *after a pause* “I’m so sorry. Did you manage to clean it up, or should I come home?”

Me: “Oh, no, I managed. I’m just really freaked out. I mean, I know he’s kind of famous for swallowing things whole, but that was just… disgusting. And impressive. But mostly disgusting, and kind of eerie. Also, I hate you, because he licked my whole face. Be glad I was too shocked to take a picture. I would have really ruined your coffee date. And now I’m going to shower, and whatever he eats in the ten minutes I’m gone is officially your problem to deal with, because I’m just done now.”

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