Unstable Unicorns Meets Exploding Kittens

, , , | Right | March 25, 2021

I work in the ticket booth of a large zoo. We have all kinds of animals, even a habitat with wax extinct ones. One day, I overhear this:

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but the golf carts are reserved for the keepers. I can get you a wheelchair or scooter instead.”

Guest: “Fine! Whatever!”

He grumpily takes a scooter. He, his son, and his grandkids go into the extinct animal wax habitat. The man comes back up to my coworker a few minutes later.

Guest: “My granddaughter wants to see unicorns! Where are the unicorns?”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t have unicorns. We have horses and zebras, however. They’ll be near the petting zoo. You can also pet some kittens in the shelter.”

Guest: “How dare you make fun of me?! Kittens in a zoo! Hmph!”

Coworker: “We really do have kittens. We help rescue cats and dogs and other animals.”

Guest’s Son: “Come on, Dad, quit being a jerk. We’ll go see the horses next.”

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Now We Have To Know, Too!

, , , , | Right | March 22, 2021

I’m at a ski resort in line for a lift. In front of me is an instructor with two small children. She seems to be playing a guessing game with them to pass the time on the ride up.

Kid #1: “Is it a bear?”

Instructor: “Nope.”

Kid #2: “Is it a beaver?”

Instructor: “No.”

Kid #1: “Is it a fox?”

Instructor: “Nope.”

Kid #2: “Is it a wolf?”

Instructor: “No. You’re gonna be at this all day if you just guess like this. I’ll give you a hint. If you can figure out what it eats, you’ll probably get it right away.”

Kid #1: “Does it eat berries?”

Instructor: “No.”

Kid #2: “Does it eat leaves?”

Instructor: “Nope.”

Kid #1: “Does it eat apples?”

Instructor: “No. It’s not a plant; it’s kind of like a protein.”

Kid #1: “Does it eat oatmeal?”

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to hear how this played out.

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Wild Times With Wiggles

, , , | Friendly | March 21, 2021

I’m walking down a lane I take home that has houses on one side and a grassy park with a lot of trees on the other side. I travel down there every day with zero issues, but today I encounter an unattended boxer dog. I’ve never encountered this dog, so have no idea where it lives and even if it lives down this lane. It’s also an unknown dog to me and I’m a stranger to it, so it may be aggressive. I stop a little distance away from it.

For some reason, I adopt that cutesy voice people use when they talk to dogs.

Me: “Well, hello there.”

The dog wags its entire body in happiness.

Me: “I don’t think you should be out here all by yourself, should you?”

The dog keeps on wagging.

Me: “Where’s your mummy or daddy, then?”

I hear a disembodied woman’s voice coming from a house.

Woman: “OH, S***! WHERE IS HE?!”

Me: *To the dog* “There’s your mummy!” *Calling out* “Excuse me, you missing a boxer?”

The woman appears, having just left her back garden.

Woman:Yes! I’m so sorry! I know he’s big but he’s a sweetie. People make him waggle with joy!”

It turned out that they’d just moved to the area and that Wiggles — the dog — was able to jump the fence. They quickly had a new, higher fence in place.


This story is part of our Best Of March 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of March 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of March 2021 roundup!

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Please Tell Us She Didn’t Take One Of Those “What Dog Are You” Quizzes!

, , , , | Right | March 20, 2021

In the early days of the Internet, the veterinarian I work for has a contract with a local pet store. Anytime someone purchases a puppy from them, they got a coupon for a free exam at our office within one week of purchase. Most new owners call and make an appointment as they leave the store, and sometimes we’ll be able to get them in for a same-day appointment.

This cocker spaniel puppy never even gets to the house before we see it.

Owner: *While checking in* “Oh, I’m just so happy. I went online and the Internet said I needed a female cocker spaniel, and then I went to the pet store, and there she was. She is so friendly and loveable; my girls will be thrilled! The Internet told me I needed a female cocker spaniel and it was right. She is perfect. She loves belly rubs, her ears are so soft…”

She keeps extolling the virtues of this puppy she has known for fifteen minutes now and praising the Internet for telling her to get a “female cocker spaniel.” She finally stops when the veterinarian walks in and introduces himself.

Vet: *Starting the exam* “Well, both his testicles have descended.”

Owner: “What do you mean, his testicles? She’s a she.”

Vet: “No, ma’am, he is a he; you see this is his—”

He starts to point out the puppy’s male anatomy.

Owner: “She had a pink collar on at the pet store! The Internet said I need a female cocker spaniel! I can’t have a male dog!”

She pulls out a cell phone and flips through the paperwork from the pet store to find their number.

The doctor and I make a strategic retreat from the exam room, but we can hear her ripping the poor pet store worker a new one. Several minutes later, she angrily throws open the door and thrusts the phone at me.

Owner: “Here, they want to talk to you.”

Me: “Hello?”

Pet Store: “So we sold her a male dog?”

Me: “The dog she brought is male, and the paperwork says female.”

Pet Store: “Yeah, I guess we put the wrong color collar on him. I found his sister at our other store; we’re going to have someone drive her over to your office. Can you take the male puppy from her to keep him safe, and can our worker come through the back door and trade out the puppies?”

Me: “Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem.”

I handed the owner back her phone and told her that the store was going to bring the female here, and that we would call her when the puppy got here. She didn’t like that plan and instead sat in our lobby, calling and ranting at somebody about how the pet store gave her the wrong dog and how horrible it was. Our receptionist started a tally: the phrase “the Internet told me I need a female cocker spaniel” was said twenty-nine times in the hour it took the pet store workers to drive from the other store to us.

The female pup arrived. While they were physically the same except for gender, the boy was an outgoing, hyper thing that wanted to lick you to death, the kind of dog that has never met a stranger and believes all humans want to play with him at all times, whereas the girl was a shy, terrified thing and a submissive urinator that refused to look anyone in the eye, even her brother. They could not have been more different.

But the Internet had told the lady she needed a female cocker spaniel, so that is what she took home. One of our techs called the pet store and bought the male over the phone, so he never went back.

Butch was an office favorite and was used to teach a lot of our new staff until he passed away last year. His sister we never saw again, which is not unusual for pet store pups; the owner probably had an established vet or one closer to her house. I hope she came out of her shell and became a good dog and was everything the Internet told the lady the dog would be.

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This Lady Makes Our Fur Stand On End

, , , , , | Friendly | March 12, 2021

I have made the difficult decision to rehome my cat. A friend contacts me and says her neighbor is looking for a cat. I agree to meet with the neighbor and see if I think she’s the right home for my cat.

The day I am set to see her, she calls and asks if we can meet at a restaurant instead of her apartment. I’m only five minutes from the apartments, so I call my friend and ask if she can take the cat while we go to the restaurant. My friend is confused but agrees. I see the woman sitting at a table and approach. She stands and looks me over.

Woman: “Where’s the cat?”

Me: “Um, you can’t have a cat in a restaurant.”

Woman: “So she’s in the car?”

Me: “No, I left her with [Friend].”

Woman: *Scoffs* “Okay.”

She sits down and gestures to the empty seat and I sit down.

Me: “So, why not your apartment?”

Woman: “Too personal. How do you know [Friend]?”

Me: “We were both business majors at [College] and took a lot of the same classes.”

Woman: “Oh.”

Me: “Have you had cats before?”

Woman: “Yeah.”

I expect her to go on, but she doesn’t.

Me: “Do you have pets now?”

Woman: “Yeah.”

Again, I wait for her to continue, but she doesn’t.

Me: “What kind of pets?”

Woman: “Different ones.”

Me: “Such as?”

Woman: “Why are you asking so many questions?”

Me: “I want to make sure you’re the right person.”

Woman: “You’re trying to unload a pet. What do you care if I’m ‘the right person’?”

Now I’m angry.

Me: “Do you have dogs? Cats? Children? Small pets? I’m—”

Woman: *Leaning forward* “I don’t appreciate your attitude.”

I stand and gather my jacket and purse.

Woman: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Leaving.”

Woman: “What about the cat?”

Me: *Laughs* “You’re kidding, right?”

I called my friend and told her I’d be back to collect my cat and NOT to give her to anyone else. She seemed genuinely shocked that the neighbor had acted that way. It only took a few more days before I found a home I was comfortable with. We still keep in touch and her new family sends me a Christmas card every year — with “our” cat in the photo!

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