We’ve Run Out Of Prankster Rodentia

, , , , , , | Right | December 28, 2017

(I work at a chain pet store, in the pet care section. Policy states that we can deny the sale of any pet if we believe that it will not be going to a good home. As a company, we also do not sell live feeders, except for crickets, goldfish, and minnows. We do sell frozen feeder mice, but if customers come in asking about live mice for snakes, we direct them to reptile stores in the area that sell live ones. Two customers come up to me. Only one does any talking.)

Customer: “I want to buy a mouse.”

Me: “Are you looking for a pet or a feeder?”

Customer: “Oh, just a feeder.”

Me: “Okay, we have them right over here in the freezer.”

(I start to lead them over to it.)

Customer: “You don’t have live ones?”

Me: “No, as a company, [Pet Store] doesn’t sell live feeder mice.”

Customer: “Then, what do you feed your snakes?”

Me: “Frozen mice, thawed out.”

Customer: “But we want a live one.”

(At this point, a coworker walks by, having only heard the last couple sentences, and she chimes in, repeating that we don’t sell live feeders.)

Me: *remembering something* “Actually, we don’t have any mice right now, anyway. Just hamsters and guinea pigs.”

Customer: “Okay, we’ll take a hamster, then.”

Me: *suspicious at the switch* “What are you getting it for?”

Customer: “Oh, it’s for a prank.”

Me: “I can’t sell you a pet for a prank.”

Customer: “Why not? I’m paying for it, aren’t I?”

Me: “No, because we won’t sell it. We sell pets, not pranks.”

Customer: “Fine then. I’m buying it for me, for a pet.”

Me: “But you just said you were buying it for a prank. I can’t pretend I didn’t hear that.”

(She glanced at her friend, huffed, and stormed out of the store. The friend followed. My coworker and I stared at each other for a moment, sighed, and got off of the sales floor to decompress. I wish I could say this was the weirdest or worst encounter with someone wanting to buy pets. Just a few weeks before, there was a person who wanted to buy a rat for “religious purposes.” She refused to elaborate, and she was refused the rat, too.)

A Mutt Of A Human

, , , , , , | Right | December 27, 2017

(I’m visiting family with my dog in tow, and I decide to hit the local big-box pet store to pick up some toys and treats for him, since we only really have boutique pet stores that are uber-expensive in the city I live in. Since it’s a pet store, I’ve brought my dog along for the trip.)

Customer: “Aw, he’s so cute! Can I pet him?”

Me: “Sure, he’d love that! He’s a big old cuddle bug.”

Customer: “He’s so friendly and fluffy!” *drops to a whisper* “I know this store wants everyone to adopt mutts that nobody wants, but I’d love to get a high-quality dog like yours. Are you breeding him or can you tell me what breeder you got him from?”

Me: “Um, actually, I rescued him from a shelter a couple years ago. He’s actually a ‘mutt,’ and, since he came from the shelter, he is fixed. I can give you the information for the shelter I rescued him from; it’s local. They often have smaller dogs like him up for adoption. They even sometimes have pure-bred or designer dogs, if you’re looking for a specific breed or breed mix.”

Customer: “What, do you work here?” *laughs* “I’d be willing to pay a handsome fee for one of his pups. Just tell me where you’re breeding him and I’ll go put a deposit down. Whatever you want for one of his pups, I’ll make it back breeding that puppy, anyway.”

Me: “Ma’am, don’t make me lift up his tail and show you that he has no balls. He. Is. A. Rescue. He’s fixed, and I am an avid supporter of adoption and rescue. I’m actually in this aisle because I’m going to buy a large bag of good dog food and donate it to the rescue I adopted him from. Again, I think it would be a good idea for you to consider adoption, but if you insist on buying a ‘papered’ dog, there are plenty of Amish puppy mills in the area that will sell you an expensive and sickly ‘purebred.’ Just go to any flea market and I’m sure you’ll find the ‘perfect’ dog you’re looking for.”

Customer: “Well, you don’t have to be so rude about it! I was just trying to make both of us some money! If you knew what was good for you, you wouldn’t have had his balls cut off!”

Me: “I know that I have a dog that was purchased from a flea market and summarily dumped at the pound when his owner was uninterested in doing the basics of dog ownership. I know that he cowers if you show your hand to him palm out, which leads me to believe she hit him. I know that he was flea-bitten and malnourished when she turned him in, and now he’s healthy and happy. And I know that he won’t be producing any puppies that just mean shelter dogs wait even longer, or even die, because shallow b****** need a cute accessory. That all makes me feel pretty good. You can keep the money. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll get back to buying that bag of food for the shelter, and a couple of toys and treats for him.”

Customer: “Well, I have never been addressed so rudely by a sad little girl. Have fun with your shaggy mutt!” *storms off*

(I mention this interaction to the cashier:)

Cashier: “Oh, yes. She comes in here a couple times a week looking for people who are breeding their dogs. She seems to target people with small-ish, long-hair dogs. She never really gets anywhere, and ends up leaving totally pissed off. She’s yelled at the rescue groups we host out front several times. I don’t know why management doesn’t just kick her out and tell her if she’s that dead-set on getting a designer dog, just go to the flea market up the street!”

Fishing For Controversy

, , , , , | Friendly | December 21, 2017

(I’m a research student in a lab that uses zebrafish. Since my work is in zebrafish juvenile development up to three months and all of my lab-mates are doing projects with fish that are only a few days old, I do most of the fish care for the lab, including raising the babies to adults to add to our research population. I frequently joke about the fish being my babies, and my nickname in the lab is ‘Mother of Zebrafish.’ One weekend I want to go hunting with my family, so I send around an email to my lab-mates to see if anyone else can care for the juveniles and adults for a few days while I’m gone. One of my lab-mates agrees, and after I get back, we go out for drinks just to catch up and discuss our work. It’s relevant for the story that I’m a white girl, and my lab-mate is a Hispanic man, with a noticeable accent.)

Me: “I hope they weren’t too much trouble while I was gone?”

Lab-Mate: “Nah, they were great, and I had to be in anyway to get the results for the immuno-staining. It was no trouble.”

Me: “Much appreciated! Thanks for taking care of my babies so I could go hunting!”

Stranger: “EXCUSE ME?!”

(Surprised, both of us turn around to see a woman glaring at us.)

Stranger: “You left your kids alone all weekend so you could go HUNTING?! What kind of a negligent mother are you?! And you!” *turns to lab-mate* “Is she at least paying you, or is she just buying you beer? She’s just paying for your beer, isn’t she? You deserve a better job; I know a good landscaping company.”

Lab-Mate: “What the h***? Piss off, lady. We’re talking about fish, not literal children!”

Stranger: “What?”

Me: “We work in a lab; he was taking care of the fish over the weekend! Oh, and for the record…he’s a neurobiology grad student with a grant from the NIH. You can stuff your landscaping job!”

(She turns red, and stalks out in a huff.)

Lab-Mate: “Wonder what she’d do if we told her our thesis advisor grew up in Mexico City…”

We Are NOT Doing It Doggy Style

, , , , | Romantic | December 20, 2017

(Whenever my boyfriend and I decide to get intimate, we usually make sure that our dog is out of the room. My boyfriend wakes me up and we start getting a little intimate, when I realize the dog is laying in bed staring at us.)

Me: “Do you think you could put him outside? He’s being weird.”

Boyfriend: “He’s fine. It’s not like he cares about what we’re doing.”

(Right on cue, the dog decides to move and lay right beside our heads and make eye contact with my boyfriend. Needless to say, the dog was put outside.)

But Will Be Around For Mew Years!

, , , , , | Related | December 19, 2017

(I’m on the phone with my baby sister, discussing Christmas plans, when she pops out this gem:)

Sister: “I don’t know if I’ll make it down for Christmas. It’s my cats birthday and I want to be here with him.”

Me: *to self* “Did I just hear that right?”

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