The Walking Playing Dead

, , , , , , | Working | January 4, 2018

(We have earpiece walkie-talkies to communicate through the store. One day, all staff are treated to the following:)

Employee #1: “This is stockroom number two. We need maintenance immediately to… OH, MY GOD!”

(There is a loud series of bangs, screams, and crashing noises.)

Me: “Stockroom! What the h*** is going on?!”

Employee #2: “There’s… Jesus! Run, man, run!”

(There was another series of crashes and screams, and a moment later I looked out the window to see [Employee #1] running at top speed across the parking lot away from the mall. I got to the stockroom at the same time as maintenance and security, and we burst in to find boxes knocked over, water on the floor, chairs upended, and our staff missing. For a moment it was like seeing the aftermath of a horror movie. Then, we spotted the culprit: a rather angry possum who had gotten trapped in the room overnight and surprised the stockroom staff when they moved a pile of boxes. A call to animal control later, things were back to normal, but I still tease the staff that I was pretty sure I’d find zombies in the stockroom, based on their reactions.)


, , , , , | Friendly | January 3, 2018

(I’m meeting with some friends of mine to show them my new puppy. [Friend #1] just recently came out to us as a trans man and [Friend #2] has been going above and beyond to make him feel more comfortable.)

Friend #1: “Your puppy’s so adorable!”

Me: “Thanks! His name is Simon.”

Friend #2: “Did you just assume the dog’s gender?!”

(We both stare at her.)

Friend #1: “He’s a German shepherd, [Friend]. I don’t think he really cares what his gender is.”

(Thankfully, now that she’s beginning to figure out that [Friend #1] doesn’t actually take offense to every little thing that might supposedly sound transphobic like “assuming” an animal’s gender, [Friend #2] is becoming less overzealous about protecting his feelings.)

What Was In That Happy Meal?

, , , , | Right | January 2, 2018

(I worked doing door-to-door sales on commission for an animal shelter. I’m doing really well this particular day, in a very rich neighbourhood, and I come to one of the biggest houses I’ve ever seen. I ring the bell and a lady wearing a bright green dress and eating fries out of a Happy Meal answers with a big smile on her face.)

Me: “Hi, my name is [My Name] and I’m selling a few bits and bobs to raise money for [Animal Shelter].”

Lady: “What animals are in the shelter?”

Me: “Mainly dogs, but there are also cats and donkeys.”

Lady: *raising her voice incredibly loudly* “Dogs! Filthy, disgusting , horrible animals! How dare you ask me to support f****** dogs?! They should all be thrown into a fire, cooked, and eaten! Or better, eaten alive!” *proceeds to spit at my feet then slams the door in my face*

Me: *walking away* “Holy jaysus…”

Snake (In Your) Eyes

, , , , , | Related | January 2, 2018

(We’ve been visiting our son and daughter-in-law, and I end up holding their four-foot-long boa constrictor. We’re getting ready to leave, so I hand her over to my daughter-in-law. The snake coils her tail around daughter-in-law ‘s arm and proceeds to explore her neck and shoulders, eventually traveling across her forehead, supporting herself on the top of my daughter-in-law’s glasses.)  

Son: *whispering* “Psst. You have something on your face.”

Like A Dog To A Bone

, , | Right | January 1, 2018

(I work in the reception of a dogs’ home. I have been told to blacklist a woman who has been found to have mistreated her pets to the point that two have died, and the remaining one has been taken away. We hear she has been blacklisted in her local area, and has now travelled further out to a completely different county to acquire a pet. The vet who works with us spots her in the car park and warns everyone. She comes in, waves to us quickly, knocks over a volunteer, and runs straight into the kennels before we can really do anything. The vet and I follow her.)

Me: “Excuse me, are you [Woman]?”

Woman: “Yes! I want this golden retriever, and this Chihuahua, please. I don’t care about vaccinations or insurance. Oh, and this—”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Woman: “No, I’m here to get a pet, you see. My last one died unexpectedly.”

Vet: “Yes, we are aware.”

Woman: “What?”

Vet: “We know about your last three pets, and the neglect you showed them. We have decided to blacklist you. You aren’t allowed to adopt here.”

Woman: “Humph! You care more about a mangy mutt than my happiness?”

Me: “Yes, we care more about the lives you’ve been ruining, in particular the lives that have ended under your care.”

Woman: “That’s a terrible business plan. The customer is always right! If you aren’t willing to take my money, I will go elsewhere.” *storms out*

Me: “God, I hope she never gets another pet again.”

Vet: “She probably will. She’ll move to a catchment area that hasn’t been informed, and she’ll start over again. People like that don’t care.”

(We heard later that she had visited almost every dogs’ home in the county, before moving on. She’s relentless.)

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