What The Beep Are You Eating?!

, , , , , , | Friendly | September 7, 2017

(I am six, and live in an area where most people live on remote plots of land, some of which are small farms. A couple people I know have goats for milk. One of my friends has two goats on their property, one of which is very aggressive and once knocked the wind out of me while I was helping milk it. One day I’m at their house, and their mom serves me soup. It tastes pretty good, and I’m enjoying it quite a bit, when I look over and see one of my friends pouting with her arms crossed.)

Me: “Why aren’t you eating any?”

Friend: “It’s beef soup.”

Me: “So? Beef is good.”

Friend: “No, not ‘beef,’ Beep! BEEP!”

(Beep was the name of her pet goat, the one that knocked the wind out of me. I looked down at my bowl, thought, “Well, I never liked her anyway,” shrugged, and kept eating. She was delicious.)

Dog-Gone Crazy

, , , , , | Friendly | September 5, 2017

I own a pair of big black dogs: a border collie mix who weighs about 50 pounds, and a Labrador who weighs over 100 pounds. They’re the sweetest dogs you could ever hope to meet, but like many dogs, they like to rush at the door, barking, whenever anyone comes to visit. Most people who don’t know us, door to door salesmen and the like, only see 150 combined pounds of black fur and teeth coming at them, and jump back. But there was one person…

A little old lady was making the rounds of our neighborhood, hanging flyers on door knobs for a dance troupe that performs each year in my town. I saw her coming to my door and tried to grab for my dogs, but missed. They charged at the door, barking their heads off as usual.

The little old lady saw them coming, and laughed out loud. With no fear whatsoever, she hung her flyer on my door handle, booped both dogs’ noses through the screen, waved at me, and left.

I want to be her when I grow up.

Please Tell Me You’re Kitten

, , , , | Friendly | September 4, 2017

(My girlfriend and I are visiting a friend who has two dogs and two cats.)

Friend: “The weirdest thing happened yesterday. All the animals were in the same room, and I left for about half an hour, but when I came back, there was a single drop of blood on the floor. So, of course, I checked all of them to see if they were hurt, but not one of them had a single scratch. They’ve been living here together for years now without ever attacking each other. I have no idea where that came from.”

Me: “Well, that IS weird, but nothing to worry about, I guess.”

Girlfriend: “I know what happened.”

Friend: “You do?”

Girlfriend: “Yeah, clearly one of the cats was pregnant and you didn’t notice. She had her babies in the room, but felt hungry and ate them.”

(Our friend and I start laughing, completely convinced that it’s some sort of joke explanation, but as my girlfriend keeps looking at us with a concerned look, laughter stops.)

Me: “You’re… you’re not serious, right?”

Girlfriend: “It could happen.”

Friend: “No, it could not! How can you not notice a pregnant cat?”

Girlfriend: “I don’t know, it surely isn’t that noticeable.”

Me: “You can’t be serious right now. That’s not the only problem here; it takes far longer than half an hour for a cat give birth.”

Girlfriend: “Maybe it was just one or two kitties.”

Friend: “It still takes a while, and also, it’s really messy, there’d be much more than a drop of blood around.”

Girlfriend: “I just told you, she ate it all.”

Me: “But why?”

Girlfriend: “She was hungry!”

Me: “Cats rarely eat bones!”

Girlfriend: “Well, this one obviously does.”

Friend: “Are you for real right now? Nothing of what you said makes any sense whatsoever; stop trying to defend it.”

Girlfriend: “At least I have an explanation, unlike any of you!”

This Conversation Has Gone To The Dogs

, , , , , | Working | September 4, 2017

(I’ve dropped by work while on maternity to talk about coming back on a part-time basis. I catch up with my manager first, and we have been talking about my son for nearly half an hour.)

Me: “He’s been a bit grouchy lately. My doctor thinks the formula I’m using might be upsetting his stomach.”

Manager: “You should just castrate him. That usually does the trick.”

Me: *thinking he’s joking* “Oh, I’d love to, but I don’t think childhood castration is legal.”

Manager: “Oh, I thought you were talking about your dog.”

(I don’t have a dog, and the conversation up to that point had been exclusively about my son…)

“Breeding Like Rabbits” Suddenly Got Delicious

, , , , | Friendly | September 4, 2017

(I am telling my friend about morning chores at the farm where I volunteer. He hasn’t been there in a year.)

Me: “After I feed the ducks and fill their pool, I milk the goat. Then, right before I’m done, I check the rabbit pen for eggs.”

Friend: “Umm, [My Name]…”

Me: “Oh, right. Long story, but Tracy the chicken lives with the rabbits.”

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