A Fun Update To “My Dog Ate It”

, , , , , , , , | Learning | June 22, 2020

The one time I don’t turn in my work for my senior English class, I have a legitimate excuse. 

Teacher: “Where’s your homework?”

Me: “My cat dragged it into the other room, and…”

I don’t know how to say that she peed on it. 

Teacher: “Half points! Best excuse I’ve ever heard!”

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Soothing The Skittish Cat

, , , , , | Romantic | June 21, 2020

My wife and I were long-distance while dating, and between my last visit and when I moved in, she adopted a cat. The cat was so skittish she hid from nearly everything. She hid during thunderstorms, fireworks, plastic bags being opened, and visitors coming over, and only barely allowed my wife to sometimes pet her.

Me: “When did you know you wanted to marry me?”

Wife: “The day after you moved in.”

Me: *Laughing* “Why, because I cleaned your entire apartment while you were at work and had dinner ready when you got home?”

Wife: “Nah, it was [Skittish Cat]. She wasn’t hiding like I thought she’d be with a new person in the house; she was on your lap! You were even petting her and she was just purring away, happy as could be. You looked up, smiled, and said, ‘I thought you said she was skittish!’ That was when I knew. If you could win over [Skittish Cat] that fast, you were someone I needed to be with.”

Me: “And because you like my meatloaf.”

Wife: “And because I love your meatloaf.”

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Like Asking For Chicken At A Sushi Place

, , , , | Right | June 19, 2020

A woman enters our aquarium with her family.

Woman: “Excuse me, do you have any parrots here?”

Me: “Sure, right over here.”

I lead her to a large display of parrot fish.

Woman: *Condescendingly* “Parrots are birds, honey.”

Me: *Trying to sound neutral* “Oh, sorry, we only have fish at this aquarium.”

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Unobservant Animal Lovers Increasing Insurance Rates

, , , , , , | Friendly | June 18, 2020

It’s a warm summer day, about 75 degrees. My dog goes for a ride with me to pick up some groceries. I go into the store, and I leave the windows open an inch or so and the car running with the AC on.

I am in the store for twenty or thirty minutes. When I come back out, my car window is smashed, and there’s a note that says, “Hey, dumba**, take care of your dog! It’s too hot out for this.” 

Thank God my dog is a good boy and stayed in the car. I still never got to meet the person who did it, but it really upset me that I had to pay for a new window.

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These Dog Shows Have Really Gone To The Dogs

, , , , , , , | Friendly | June 17, 2020

My wife and I have had many dogs in the years we have been married. Some might have been purebred. We don’t know; none were ever papered or registered. Most of the dogs we have had are what are commonly referred to as mutts, but we love each and every one of them; they are family members. As a term of affection, we often refer to our dogs as mutts, no disrespect meant for their lack of pedigree breeding, just our term for a well-loved pet.

We decided to go with a relative to a dog show in another city — one of those fancy dog shows with high-priced dogs, well-paid trainers and handlers, etc.

As we were in the parking lot on the way in, a lady walked by with what we refer to as a “dust-mop” dog — small, long-hair, etc. My wife whispered to me, privately, “Oh, what a cute mutt!”

The lady overheard her and immediately went into a rage, quoting the long list of the dog’s pedigree, the papers, the ribbons, the awards, etc. She was ranting and raving about how low-class we were for not acknowledging the superiority of her dog. We said nothing. Then the lady said, “I bet your dog doesn’t have papers.”

To this, I responded, “Well, he did have some, but he couldn’t read them so we put them on the floor when he was a puppy, and he used them. What does your dog do with his?”

Screams of obscenities followed us into the show.

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