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Endangered With Comb-Overs

, , , , , | Right | April 9, 2009

(A man walks up to me with his son while I’m tending the bird section.)

Man: “Excuse me, what are those birds?”

Me: “They’re bald eagles.”

Man: “Well, that’s just so god-d**n cheap! Our nation’s capital, and we can’t even afford young eagles!”

Me: “Sir, that eagle isn’t very old at all. Eagles have a life span of–”

Man: “Don’t give me any excuses! I know they’re old! They’re bald! You only get bald when you’re old!”

Man’s Son: “Yeah, just like you, Dad!”

Man: “NOT ANOTHER WORD! WE’RE OUT OF HERE!”

(Apparently, on his way out he complained about the same thing to three zookeepers, and all three of them just laughed.)

Dog Tested, Employee Approved

, , , | Right | April 8, 2009

(An old lady walks up to the counter.)

Customer: “Miss, is this dog sausage salty?”

Me: “Um… I don’t think so, ma’am.”

Customer: “Are you SURE?”

Me: “Well, yes. Dog sausages are mainly made without salt.”

Customer: “It better not be salty, because my dog does not eat any salty stuff.”

Me: “It’s not salty, ma’am.”

Customer: “But are you SURE? Have you TASTED it?!”


This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

Read the next Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup story!

Read the Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

You Can’t Always Love What You Do

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2009

(While closing up shop alone one night, two gentlemen walked in and the following conversation took place.)

Customer #1: “So, uh… how much experience do you need to groom dogs?”

Me: “Well, none to start out. They start you as a bather, and then after about three months they send you through an academy to learn how to groom dogs.”

Customer #1: “You gotta go to school for this?”

Me: “Yes, it’s actually not as easy as it looks.”

Customer #1: “You make a lot of money?”

Me: “Well, that’s hard to say. We work on commission, so… it just depends on how many dogs you can do in a week.”

Customer #2: “You think if you’ve got a cruelty to animals charge, they’ll let you work here?”

Me: “…no.”

When Stupid People Attack

, , , , | Right | March 26, 2009

Customer: “Hey, you!”

Me: “How can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “These bears are extremely boring. I paid money to see the animals move around.”

Me: “It’s very hot today, ma’am. Bears don’t like to move around much on hot days, and they sleep at least sixteen hours out of the day anyway.”

Customer: “I don’t care if it’s hot outside. Why won’t they do anything?”

Me: “Ma’am, the bears are not required to move around for your entertainment.”

Customer: “Well, they should be!”

Me: “They’re wild animals, ma’am. If they don’t want to move around, they don’t have to.”

Customer: “I want to see your superior! Maybe he will understand!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem here?”

Customer: “These bears are boring!”

Manager: *tells her what I said about hot days*

Customer: “Go poke them or something. Make them move!”

Me: “You’re asking me to go into an enclosed area with a group of thousand-pound carnivores, and poke them with a stick so that they can amuse you?

Customer: “Yes! Just make them do something!”


This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

Read the next Clueless Zoo Customers roundup story!

Read the Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

Copycats…and Copy Dogs, Copy Sheep…

, , , , | Right | March 24, 2009

Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”

Me: “Okay… would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”

Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”

Me: “Um… cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”

Customer: “No, you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”

Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”

Customer: “NO, I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!”

Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”

Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”