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Fifi Lives Another Day

, , , | Right | April 21, 2009

(A rich-looking older lady is on vacation from Florida, and stops by our store.)

Customer: “Yes, I’m going back home and would like to ship my poodle.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry but we can’t ship pets here.”

Customer: “Well, the airlines will over-charge me if you don’t let me. I’ll pay extra.”

Me: “Ma’am, it is actually illegal for me to ship your poodle. I’m very sorry for the inconvenience.”

Customer: *getting irate* “What if you poke holes in the box? Can I ship him then?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry if I’m being unclear, but I can’t ship your dog for you. I’m truly sorry.”

Customer: “Well, I know I’ve shipped my dog here before. Do you really think I would be here if I hadn’t?”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t know, but I know we can’t do that.”

Customer: *leaves in a huff*

(Perhaps I should have offered to bubble-wrap the dog for no extra fee. Then she wouldn’t have to poke holes in the box!)

This story is part of our Even-Crazier-Pet-Owners roundup!

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The Devil Is Definitely In The Details

, , , | Right | April 20, 2009

Customer: “Where do y’all keep your pedophiles?”

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Customer: “You know, PED-IH-FILES!”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “Yeah, the pedophiles! They show it on TV… it’s where people trim their dog’s feet!”

Me: “Oh, Pedi-PAWS. Right this way…”

If There Is A God, He Obviously Owns A Dog

, , , | Right | April 16, 2009

(Note: this takes place during the middle of a bad rainstorm.)

Customer: “Hi, I wanted to start bringing my dog here but I wanted to make sure that the animals get a lot of exercise.”

Me: “Oh, we just have them in rotations to run on a treadmill. You see, they help to generate power for our building. I think we have Sandy, a cute little chihuahua going right now.”

Customer: “You’re joking, right?”

Me: “Haha, yeah.”

(Moments later, my coworker comes in from the back.)

Coworker: “Hey, Sandy’s loose again. Have you seen the pop-up fence?”

(As if on cue, the storm knocks out power to the building right then and there.)

Customer: “Oh, my god! I’m calling Animal Services and reporting you all!”

This story is part of our Crazy-Coincidences roundup!

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You No Challenge Tarzan

, , | Right | April 13, 2009

(I often wander around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other, and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cares as long as I do my job and don’t hurt anyone. I often get odd looks, though.)

Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

(I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!

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Extreme Primate Refereeing

, , , , , | Right | April 10, 2009

(I work at a snack cart across from the gorilla enclosure. A woman walks up to me and this conversation ensued.)

Customer: “Look! Look! The gorillas are fighting!”

Me: “No, they just rough-house like that about this time every day.”

Customer: “No, that’s fighting. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

Me: “Ma’am, seriously, that’s how they play.”

Customer: “That’s a fight! Stop them! Right now! It’s a bad example for the children.”

Me: “Stop them… how?”

Customer: “Get in there and make them cut it out right now!”

Me: *staring at her while other customers in line laugh*

Customer: *stomping off* “I’m telling your boss you won’t stop that violence!”

Next Customer In Line: “So you’re in charge of gorillas AND churros, huh?”

This story is part of the second Clueless Zoo Customers roundup!

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