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Those Oh-So Subtle Distinctions

, , , | Right | January 10, 2008

Me: “Hello, ma’am, is there anything I can help you find?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to find a book on rodents.”

Me: “Rodents?”

Customer: “Yes, I have some little creature running around my garage and I need to know what it is. I think it might be a vulva.”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “You know, it’s small and looks like a mole or a hamster. A vulva.”

Me: “I think you mean a ‘vole’.”

Customer: “Oh right, that’s it. Do you have any books on voles?”


This story is part of our Hamsters Roundup!

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Bird Brained

, , | Right | November 15, 2007

Me: “Hello, telephone orders.”

Customer: “Hi, I’ve just seen a bird in my back garden.”

Me: “That’s very nice, madam. Would you like to place an order?”

Customer: “It’s kind of a black and white colour, and quite large…”

Me: “Okay, madam. Did you want to place an order with us today?”

Customer: “What type of bird do you think it is? It’s very unusual.”

Me: “Erm, I’m afraid I can’t help you, madam. I’m just a call center operative.”

Customer: “But don’t you know about birds? Aren’t you the RSPB?” *Royal Society for the Protection of Birds*

Me: “No, madam. We’re just a trading company.”

Customer: “Well, my brochure says RSPB on it.”

Me: “That’s correct, but we’re a trading company. We have lots of different charity catalogues. You actually need to call the RSPB head office.”

Customer: “But it says on this catalogue that you are the RSPB. Surely you must be able to tell me what type of bird it is. It’s so pretty. Oh, oh, oh… Oh, dear, I thought it was going to fly off then. Stay, little birdy. Don’t go away. Good birdy.”

Me: “So would you like the number for the RSPB then?”

Customer: “So who are you?”

(This goes on and on and on, with intermittent monologue about what the bird is actually doing and what she’s fed it)

Someone Needs To Get Out More

, , , , | Right | November 14, 2007

Me: “Emergency veterinary clinic, how can I help you?”

Caller: *worried female voice* “My dog has a red thing on him.”

Me: “Is it actively bleeding?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Where is it located?”

Caller: “On his tummy.”

Me: “Can you describe it to me? How large is it? Does it look more like a cut, a rash, or an abrasion?”

Caller: “It looks like a little stick of lipstick.”

Me: “That’s his penis.”

Caller: *hangs up*


This story is part of our Take Your Dog To The Vet roundup!

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Oh Give Me a Home, Where The Jackalopes Roam

, , , | Right | November 11, 2007

Little Boy: “What are those?”

Zookeeper: “That’s a Cavy.”

(Cavies are another name for guinea pigs.)

Little Boy’s Father: “No, they’re not. They’re Jack-a-lopes. But I don’t see any antlers, so they must all be does.”


This story is part of the Children-Behaving-Better-Than-Their-Parents roundup!

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