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What’s Black And White And Dumb All Over

, , , | Right | May 29, 2008

Customer: “I would like to get a portrait of my dog done.”

Me: “Okay, sure. I would love to do that for you.”

Customer: “Do you always do your portraits in black and white? Because I would like it in color.”

Me: “Sorry, no… I just work in pencil.”

Customer: “So you can’t do color?”

Me: “No, all my portraits are done in graphite pencil. I don’t paint or anything.”

Customer: “Aww. Well, I really wanted it in color, but, oh, well… I guess…”

(She then proceeded to hand me a picture of her pure white dog with a black nose.)

Time To Move The Bodies In The Backyard

, , | Right | April 23, 2008

Dog Owner: “Yeah, my Golden Retriever keeps bringing things back to me. Do you know why?”

Trainer: “Well, ma’am, what’s the second word in the breed’s name?”

Owner: “Uh… retriever?”

Trainer: “That would be why.”


This story is part of our Golden Retriever roundup!

Read the next Golden Retriever roundup story!

Read the Golden Retriever roundup!

I Bet It’s Dying From Stupid Owneritis

, , , | Right | April 13, 2008

(I used to work at this cellphone carrier like Vodafone or Cingular and people usually messed up who they were talking to.)

Me: “Good evening, who am I talking to?”

Customer: “Please, call an ambulance!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We can’t make outgoing calls here. Not even for an ambulance. Please hang up and make the call.”

Customer: “You don’t understand. I need an ambulance NOW!”

Me: “I understand. But we can’t call it for you!”

Customer: “Please help me! My cat is dying!”

Me: “Your… what?”

Customer: “My cat! He’s lying on the floor and making weird noises. He’s dying, I need an ambulance.”

(I was never sure if this was a prank call cause the lady sounded pretty serious.)

Me: “Well, ma’am, you really will have to call the vet yourself.”

Customer: “No! I need an ambulance. You can’t refuse to help me like this. I’ll sue you!”

Me: “…for what?”

Customer: “For neglecting help to someone in need! You could have called an ambulance already!”

Me: “You could too if you had just hung up and called somebody yourself, ma’am!”

Customer: “Fine, but if my cat dies, I’ll call you back!” *click*

Bird Brained, Part 2

, , , | Right | April 13, 2008

(I had just finished giving a 45-minute tour about a certain “mysterious” spot that causes people to supposedly feel dizzy and stand at strange angles.)

Tourist: “So do the birds feel the effects of the mystery?”

Me: “Well they don’t appear to fly funny, but it’s possible.”

Tourist: “…but do they FEEL the effects?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know because I can’t exactly ask them how they feel. They are birds.”

Tourist: “I just wanna know if they feel the effects!”

Me: “Hold on, I’ll go ask them.” *walks away*

I Like My Chihuahuas Extra Hot

, , | Right | March 21, 2008

(A well-known taco-based fast food joint sold toy chihuahuas that talked when you squeezed them.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [Taco Place]. My name is [My Name], may I take your order?”

Lady: “What flavour do your chihuahuas come in?”

Me: “…they’re toys, ma’am.”

(And if that wasn’t enough, a few hours later another customer asked how much the talking chimichangas were.)