Out Of The Mouths Of Babes… And Cats

, , , , , | | Related | June 25, 2019

(I have a cat who is 17. He is very spry for his age, and he has no health or mobility issues. My cat is not vocal, either. He may let out a piercing meow once in a while if he is not satisfied, but largely he is quiet. He is also incredibly spoiled by me and my family. My cat is older than both of my children, but they love him and he loves them. I am trying to clean.)

Me: *wipes counter off*

Cat: “MEOW!”

Me: *looks down* “What?”

Cat: *walks between my legs rumbling*

Me: “Not now, [Cat]!”

Cat: “MEOW!” *sticks claws lightly into my pants*

Me: *picks up the cat, puts him over my shoulder like a stole, and continues*

Eleven-Year-Old Son: “Mom, I think we have to talk about your enabling.”

Me: “Huh?”

Eleven-Year-Old Son: “The cat cried and got his way. I can’t even ask once.”

Seven-Year-Old Son: *walks in listening intently* “Yeah, but we don’t have claws.”

Eleven-Year-Old Son: “Mom does, though.” *points to my acrylic nails, which are in no way long* “And she is a lot meaner than us.”

Seven-Year-Old Son: “So, what does that say about the cat?!”

Getting Bitten By A Radioactive Crab Would Suck

, , , , | | Right | June 24, 2019

(I’m on vacation in Scotland, visiting an aquarium. We’re getting some info on lobsters and crabs from an employee. I’m deathly afraid of spiders.)

Employee: “Here we have the king crab. Let me get one out of its tank.”

(He takes a huge crab out of the tank, and I jump back a few feet in horror; the thing looks just like a giant spider to me.)

Employee: *still holding the crab* “Er… Something I said?”

Me: *slightly panting* “No, it’s just… eh… Can you put that thing back?”

Employee: “Oh… okaaay…”

(He puts it back.)

Me: “I’m so sorry, but I’m deathly afraid of spiders, and apparently, that fear includes everything with too many protrusions.”

Employee: “Oh, I see. Hmm.. never heard of arachnophobia that includes fear of crabs. That’s a new one!”

(Later on, I hesitantly approach the tank to take a closer look. I come to the conclusion that when it’s underwater it isn’t so bad.)

Employee: “I thought you were afraid of it?”

Me: “It’s okay when it’s just sitting still, I guess.”

Employee: “You want me to take it out again?”

Me: “DON’T YOU DARE!”

Lions And Tigers And Tired Moms, Oh My!

, , , , , | | Related | June 21, 2019

(I am at the zoo with my family looking at the tigers. The lions are on the other side of the zoo. A woman in her 20s walks up holding an 18-month- to two-year-old child.)

Woman: “Look, honey! See the lions?”

Cruella Has Moved On From Dalmatians

, , , , , | | Friendly | June 13, 2019

(My dog is grey with black spots all over, making her look like a dark Dalmatian. Her unusual markings get her a lot of attention and I’m used to answering a ton of questions about her, some of which get strangely personal, but only one woman has ever gotten really creepy about it.)

Woman: “Oh, my God! Your dog is beautiful! What kind is she?”

Me: “Thank you! She’s an Australian Shepard, Sheltie, and lab mix.”

Woman: “Oh, wow. Where did you get her?”

Me: “A friend of ours owns her mother; it’s how we’re so sure of her breeds.”

Woman: “Excellent! How much are they charging for them?”

Me: *not really understanding her* “I’m sorry? Charging for what?”

Woman: “For the puppies! I want one just like yours!”

Me: “Um, well, it was just my dog and her brother I’m afraid; there aren’t any more puppies.”

Woman: *cutting me off* “No, no, I mean when is the next litter expected?”

Me: *realizing this woman thinks my friend is a dog breeder* “Oh, no! I think we’ve gotten a little mixed up here. My friend isn’t breeding them; her dog just got pregnant unexpectedly.”

Woman: *suddenly angry* “Well, tell her she should! People would pay a lot of money for dogs like that!”

Me: “Umm, okay… They probably won’t go for it, though.”

(Not only are my friends not interested in breeding for money, but their dog was believed to be sterile and the pregnancy almost killed the poor dog, so I doubt they’d subject her to that again!)

Woman: *already moving forward aggressively* “Can I at least pet your dog? She’s just so cute!”

Me: *remembering all the horror stories I’ve heard about dog-napping* “Uh, she really doesn’t like strangers, and in fact, I really need to be going!”

(I pretty much ran away from her at that point, eager to not deal with her anymore, but not before I heard one last, “Your friend really SHOULD breed them!” Later, when relating the tale to my father, he proceeded to spend the next five minutes lecturing my dog about how she’d just narrowly avoided getting turned into a coat by Cruella DeVil. Now, whenever my dog misbehaves, I remind her of what a lovely coat she’d make!)

Is That A New Pokemon?

, , , , , , | | Related | June 13, 2019

(Our little neighbor boy comes over for a visit, and we are watching a documentary.)

Narrator: “The kiwi has been caught and…”

Me: “Is that a pigeon?”

Nana: “No, it’s a kiwi.”

Me: “No, it’s a pigeon.”

Neighbor Boy: “What are they doing to it?”

Nana: “They’re putting a tracker on the kipigeon.”

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