CONTENT WARNING: Injured Animal (Dog bite, infection, but recovery!)

My cat is an indoor-outdoor cat. He is a very sweet, laid-back cat, and he loves everyone. One night, he came home and I saw one small piece of fur out of place.

Me: “He’s sick!”

Brother: “What do you mean? He’s acting fine — still eating, playing, and letting us pet and hold him.”

Me: “Yes, but that fur is out of place. He’s a meticulous groomer. Something’s wrong.”

My family didn’t believe me.

The next morning, the cat came in and there was now a very large lump where the messed-up piece of fur was. We thought he might have a hernia, even though he was still acting fine. I decided to wait until the next day since I had to go to work.

That night, the lump was gone. In its place was a hole about two inches wide and an inch deep. I put the cat in a crate and took him to the vet first thing the next morning. He had only been to the vet once, to get neutered.

The vet came in and asked me to take him out of the carrier. I did, and as I held him in one arm, my cat was curled on his back, feet in the air, tongue sticking out, and purring. The vet stared at him.

Vet: “That… is a very weird cat. He should be freaking out because he has a huge hole in his side.”

Me: “Yeah, he’s pretty laid-back. Here.” 

I handed him over, and my cat just stared at the vet like, “Dude… pet me.”

It turned out that he had been bitten by a dog and had a huge infection that took up one whole side of his body. But after surgery and medicine, he was fine again. He lived for almost seventeen years and made several people who hated cats come to love them.

Client: “I want to get my dog vaccinated, but I’m worried. Is there a risk of autism from vaccines from dogs like there is from humans?”

I think, “I’m not going to get involved with your crazy bulls***, but vaccines don’t cause autism.” But out loud, I say:

Me: “No, ma’am. Dogs can’t get autism, ma’am. Only humans.”

Client: “Oh, good. Make sure my little fuzzy boy gets all of his vaccines, then!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

I was working the register/coffee machine in the takeaway window when a customer who had already ordered and eaten came up to me to compliment our coffee and food. We were making small talk when she switched topics.

Customer: “I have a serious question to ask you.”

I was worried that I’d done something wrong.

Me: “Oh, okay. What is it?”

Customer: “Are dogs bilingual?”

Now I was sure I’d misheard.

Me: “…what?”

Customer: “Well, there’s a lady over there talking to her dog in Chinese, and I was wondering… if I went over and talked to her dog in English, would it understand me?”

I wish I was making this up!

A friend of mine told a story about when he was walking his dogs many years ago. He is one of the “dog people” who wouldn’t need to leash their dogs but do it anyway. He encountered a woman with a loose little dog.

Friend: “Ma’am, please put your dog on a leash.”

Woman: “No, my dog is so kind!”

Friend: “My dogs aren’t kind.”

She leashed her dog quickly.

CONTENT WARNING: Animal Abuse (Prong collar use on small puppy)

I am a pet trainer at a chain pet store. Part of our policy states that you cannot use things like prong collars or choke chains in class. A man walks in with this puppy — a three-month-old golden retriever — on a prong collar. I know it is written in our class agreement that these are not allowed, so I pull him aside at the end of the class after everyone else leaves.

Me: “Hey, I noticed you’re using the prong collar. Is your dog jumping or—”

Dog Owner: “No, he just listens better with it. I was told it was okay.”

Me: “Hmm, okay, well, if you use it at home, I understand. But in class, we actually don’t allow them.”

Dog Owner: “Well, I do. The other trainer told me it was okay, so what’s your f****** problem?”

Me: “Sir, I am the only trainer.”

Dog Owner: “No, it was the other one. The guy.”

Me: “Okay. I apologize for the confusion, but we cannot have that collar on in class. It is in the enrollment agreement, which you signed. We use positive reinforcement; we want our dogs to listen because they want to, not because they fear not listening. Does that make sense?”

Dog Owner: “Fine, then. I’ll get my money back.”

Me: *Nodding* “Okay, go on over to the cashier, and I’ll let them know you’ll be getting your money back. I’m sorry this wasn’t what you were looking for. Have a nice day.”

I turn and go back to my arena and gather his paperwork. He follows me in.

Dog Owner: “So, why sell these if you can’t use them?”

Me: “You can use them on your own time, but we do not use them in class. It creates a negative association between learning and behaviors, and it is [Store] policy.”

Dog Owner: “He is nuts without it.”

Me: “I understand; puppies are often like that. But that’s what class is for.”

Dog Owner: “Can I stay, then?”

Me: “If you’d like to stay—”

Dog Owner: “And use this?”

Me: “Not in class.”

Dog Owner: “F*** you, you ugly-a** c***. I am the customer.”

Me: “Go get your money back. You are not welcome in my arena.”

I walk by him and grab a manager to oversee the refund. When it’s all done, she comes to me.

Manager: “Did you call him an a**hole?”

Me: “No.”

Manager: “Did your face say it?”

Me: “I don’t think so. Well, maybe.”

Manager: “He said you called him out in front of the whole class, called him an a**hole for using a prong collar, and kicked him out.”

I run through the conversation again, highlighting that I gave him the chance to come back without the collar.

Manager: “Okay. I’m going to have to talk to the other students. It’s not that I don’t believe you, but I do have to do my part to get all sides of the story. But from what you’ve said, they won’t have any idea what I’m talking about.”

Me: “Well, no, they won’t, because I waited so he didn’t feel like I was attacking him.”

Manager: “Okay, no sweat. I’m proud of you for upholding policy, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out for him.”

I never heard anything more about the incident, nor have I seen that customer in the store since.