Mixed Me-ow-ssages

, , | Right | February 12, 2009

Customer: “I bought this a few days ago to stop my cats from scratching the furniture, and now they’re scratching it more than ever!”

(I take a moment to look at the bottle, and see that it is clearly labeled “Catnip Spray”.)

Me: “Well, they’re going to scratch more because this is catnip spray.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “You spray this where you want cats to scratch… Didn’t you read the bottle before you bought it?”

Customer: “I don’t have time to read; I just grabbed the first thing on the shelf.”

Me: “Um… you just grabbed the first thing on the shelf?”

Customer: “Yes! Now get me the right stuff so they’ll stop scratching!”

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A Hiccup In The Food Chain

, , , | Right | December 17, 2008

(I am working in the reptile department and I often get questions about the snakes.)

Customer: “What do you feed these snakes?”

Me: “Those snakes? Usually feeder mice.”

Customer: “You feed them live mice?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what they eat.”

Customer: “Well, don’t you think that’s cruel?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “Can’t you feed them a vegetarian diet?”

Me: “No, they need to eat a diet similar to what they would naturally eat in the wild.”

Customer: “Well, I think that’s just awful. They should be able to survive on vegetables.”

Me: “I’m sorry…  You’ll have to talk to God about that one.”


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Kitteh Sez STFU

, , , | Right | September 13, 2008

(I’m tending to the cats at our pet store when a young woman comes up and points at a small tabby, Velma.)

Me: “Ah, would you like to see Velma? She’s a little shy but very sweet.”

Customer: “I can has cat?”

Me: “Um… if you are interested in adopting, I’ll be happy to get out Velma or any of the cats so that you can get to know them a little better.”

Customer: “I can has lolcat?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “She is in her playpen, stealin our funs!”

Me: “You know, pets can be a big responsibility, and I’m not sure a cat would be the best thing for you right now.”

Customer: “K thanks bye!” *turns and walks out of the store*

Me: *to Velma* “I think I may have just saved your life.”

 

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Best Pet Advice, Ever

, , , | Right | September 9, 2008

Customer: “Hi, can you help me?”

Me: “Sure, what do you need?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a puppy. I need one that doesn’t grow.”

Me: “Uh… all puppies grow.”

Customer: “But, I need one that doesn’t.”

Me: “Maybe a toy chihuahua? They only get to be about seven lbs.”

Customer: “How big are they now?”

Me: “They’re about four lbs right now.”

Customer: “BUT THAT MEANS THEY GROW!”

Me: “Ma’am, all puppies grow.”

Customer: “BUT I WANT ONE THAT DOESN’T.”

Me: “Then maybe you should try Build-A-Bear.”

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Dog Bites Owner, Files For Emancipation

, , | Right | September 8, 2008

(A woman comes into the grooming salon with a dog whose hair is extremely matted.)

Customer: “I’d like her to have very long hair. Right now it’s all tangled and looks short.”

Me: “I can’t actually leave her hair long. She’s matted to the skin, and policy says we must shave her. I’ll try to get my longest blade through, but it will most likely be naked.”

Customer: “I don’t want her shaved. I want her hair long.”

Me: “I can’t make her hair long. It’s matted. Her skin is red, it’s matted so tight. It needs to be shaved for her health, and our policy is to shave her or we don’t groom the dog.”

Customer: “Can you guys do anything?”

Me: “Yes. Shave her. Just this one time, and when you pick her up I can show you the brush you should buy to keep her hair from matting as it grows out.”

Customer: “I’m not shaving her! I want her hair long. Not short. LONG.”

Me: “I can hear you. It’s shave or nothing, I’m sorry, it’s policy and really the best interest for the dog.”

Customer: “You should do as I’m telling you because I’M paying and it is MY dog.”

Me: “YOU should brush YOUR dog, because it is YOUR dog and YOU chose to own it.”

Customer: “I’m never coming back, and we’re going somewhere that will do what we want!”

(She came back.)

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