Me: “Hello! How are you today?”
Customer: “Hi there. I just wanted to let you know I had to throw away one of my dog’s toys that I bought here.”
Me: “I’m sorry about that! What was wrong with it?”
Customer: “Well, my dog was just OBSESSED with it. She loved it! Even after I took it away, she still wanted it! It MUST be those Chinese chemicals they put in them!”
(Pause.)
Coworker: “Is it a full moon?”
Customer: “Do you have anything that can prevent a dog from shedding?”
Me: “Yes, we have brushes and combs for—”
Customer: “No, I mean something to stop them from shedding all together?”
Me: *confused* “Uhm. No. We don’t.”
Customer: “So, there’s not, like, a pill or something that could make a dog not shed?”
Me: “No, it’s natural for animals to shed hair. They have to—”
Customer: “So, if I went to the vet, I couldn’t get, like, a shot or something that will make them stop shedding?”
Me: “No, animals have to shed. They lose hair because—”
Customer: “So, if I invented something that would make a dog never shed, I’d be, like, rich.”
Me: “Uhmm… I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Customer: “But what if I did? Then I’d be rich!”
Me: *giving up* “Yup, I guess so.”
Customer: *to his girlfriend* “Hey, babe! If I invented a shot that could make it so dogs never shed, I’d be rich!”
(My wife and I are buying a very large bag of dog food. The cashier is a thin, almost scrawny young woman.)
Cashier: “Would you like some help out to your car with this today?”
Me: “No, thanks, I can get it.”
Cashier: “Thank goodness, because I would be useless with that.”
(I have just finished a short consultation with an employee, right next to the door to what I assume is the back area. I am wearing a T-shirt with a stylized praying mantis on it, and the mantis looks vaguely like it is about to hug someone and then eat their face.)
Employee #1: “…so I’d definitely recommend this or this food for your fish.”
Employee #2: *walks out of back area and sees me* “Dude, your shirt is scary.”
Employee #1: *shooing motion* “Dude! Be polite to the customers!”
Me: “Sure is! Thanks!”
(I go into a pet store in a mall with my younger sister, who is probably seven. They have puppies and kittens on display.)
Sister: “Can we hold one of the puppies?”
Employee: *sizing us up, realizing we’re siblings and not parent and child* “I’m sorry, little girl, but we can only let you hold the puppies if your mom is here with you.”
Sister: “OUR MOM IS DEAD!”
(She stomped out of the store, dragging me behind her. Our mom was actually not dead and was just shopping a few stores down.)
