As Stupid As She Is Contagious

| Columbus, OH, USA | At The Checkout, Health & Body

(It’s late one evening when a customer walks into the store, obviously not feeling well. Our store emails coupons to loyal customers.)

Customer: “I have coupons but I forgot to print them out. I’m not asking for the discount today, but if I bring them in tomorrow could I still get the discount?”

Manager: “To get the discount on today’s items, you will have to have the coupons with you when you checkout.”

Customer: “You’re kidding me! So you want me to come all the way back here tonight when I’m this sick?”

(She storms to the back of the store, grabs a small bag of dog food, and tosses it roughly onto the counter.)

Customer: “Who’s your district manager? This is such crappy service! I shouldn’t even be out doing this today! I was just diagnosed with whooping cough!” *leaves*

(Both my manager and I look at each other, surprised. He takes down her information and gives her the number for the district manager.)

Me: “Why’d you take her information down?”

Manager: “So I know who to send my medical bill to if I get sick.”

The (H)owling

| USA | Pets & Animals

(I call a customer because her order has arrived.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [store]. Your owl has arrived. You can pick him up at your convenience.”

Customer: “Great! I’ll come by today!”

Me: “If you need any advice, you can call us any time.”

Customer: “Oh, but I’ve read up on owls. Raw meat every day and walks twice a day! And buy ear plugs before every full moon!”

Me: “Um, ma’am, you know it’s a bird, right?”

Don’t Wake The Fishies

| Gainesville, FL, USA | Pets & Animals

(The phone rings. I am on the sales floor in front of our tanks of fish for sale.)

Caller: “Hi, I need you to get on the computer and look up what fish you have and how much they are.”

Me: “I’d be glad to help you out. I’m standing right in front of the fish, so I can actually tell you right now how much they are and how many we have.”

Caller: “No, I need you to get on the computer and look it up. I can’t easily come down to the store, so I want to see how many of each fish you have and what the price is.”

Me: “What species were you looking for? I can just look and tell you how many we have and what the price is. It will be faster and more accurate than the inventory program, which I don’t have access to anyway.”

Caller: “You can’t get on the computer?”

Me: “No, ma’am, but I’d be happy to just look at the fish themselves. I can see how many we have in stock and give you the prices. What species were you looking for?”

Caller: “Never mind!” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*

Does This Mean I Need A Water Stone

| Connecticut, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

(I am helping a man at the fish department when this happens.)

Customer: “So, goldfish evolve into koi when they outgrow their tank…”

(I look at him waiting for him to say he’s joking, but he’s completely serious.)

Me: “It’s a fish, sir, not a pokémon.”

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1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity

| Avondale, PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

Me: “How are you today? I’m told you needed help with fish?”

Customer: “Yeah, all my fish died after I cleaned my tank yesterday. My husband says that it may have had to do with me using bleach, but I told him he was wrong.”

Me: “Well, actually he is right. Bleach leaves residue on the glass. Even after rinsing it, that can kill the fish.”

Customer: “But I didn’t even rinse it.”

Me: “What did you do, then?”

Customer: “I just added it to the water. How could that kill them?”

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