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We Are Siamese If You Don’t Please

| WI, USA | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals, Popular

(I’m the customer here. I have two long haired twin male cats that look Siamese but aren’t. I adore them and my debit card is a picture of them. I get asked about them a lot. I’m at the checkout buying cat food.)

Cashier: “Oh, they’re beautiful. Are they yours?”

(Someone grunts behind me.)

Me: “Yes, they’re mine. They’re twins!”

Cashier: “Wow! How old—”

Lady Behind Me: “Get real. They aren’t yours. You stole that picture from the Google!”

Me: *turning to face her* “No, I didn’t. Their names are [Names] and they’re mine. I’ve had them since they were five weeks old.”

Lady Behind Me: “That’s impossible. Cats don’t look like that! Quit lying! This girl is lying about her cats!”

(I pull out my phone and start scrolling through my pictures, where there are about 500 pictures of my cats.)

Me: “See? Mine.”

Lady Behind Me: “How much?”

Me: “Excuse me? They aren’t for sale, ma’am. ”

Lady Behind Me: “Everything has a price. How much are they? I’ll give you $1000 each.”

Me: “Lady, you can’t afford them. Nice try. Leave me alone.”

(I turn to pay and get my receipt, and the lady grabs my arm.)

Lady Behind Me: “TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!”

Me: “You. Can’t. Afford. Them. Go. Away!”

Lady Behind Me: “Five grand each!”

(I had enough. All the money in the world couldn’t buy my cats, they’re mine. I turned to the lady.)

Me: “You mean you’ll give me ten thousand dollars for my cats, right now, today?”

Lady Behind Me: *smiling* “Yes, dear. I will. What is your address? I’ll pick them up tonight.”

Me: “It’s 123 Learn What No Means Avenue. Now leave me alone. My cats are hungry.”

Lady Behind Me: “I will follow you! I’ll get those cats!”

Me: “I dare you. The police will be waiting at my house for you. Now, go away.”

(Instead of buying her things, she followed me to the parking lot, screaming to everyone about how I wouldn’t sell her my cats. She followed me home, where an officer was waiting. She got a fine and screamed that I didn’t know what real money is. I told her I had more than enough money. I paid for the cat food with the last twenty dollars I had to my name, but she didn’t need to know that.)

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Barking Crazy

| Boston, MA, USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

Me: “Hello! How are you today?”

Customer: “Hi there. I just wanted to let you know I had to throw away one of my dog’s toys that I bought here.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that! What was wrong with it?”

Customer: “Well, my dog was just OBSESSED with it. She loved it! Even after I took it away, she still wanted it! It MUST be those Chinese chemicals they put in them!”

(Pause.)

Coworker: “Is it a full moon?”

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He Shed His Brain A While Ago

| PA, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

Customer: “Do you have anything that can prevent a dog from shedding?”

Me: “Yes, we have brushes and combs for—”

Customer: “No, I mean something to stop them from shedding all together?”

Me: *confused* “Uhm. No. We don’t.”

Customer: “So, there’s not, like, a pill or something that could make a dog not shed?”

Me: “No, it’s natural for animals to shed hair. They have to—”

Customer: “So, if I went to the vet, I couldn’t get, like, a shot or something that will make them stop shedding?”

Me: “No, animals have to shed. They lose hair because—”

Customer: “So, if I invented something that would make a dog never shed, I’d be, like, rich.”

Me: “Uhmm… I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Customer: “But what if I did? Then I’d be rich!”

Me: *giving up* “Yup, I guess so.”

Customer: *to his girlfriend* “Hey, babe! If I invented a shot that could make it so dogs never shed, I’d be rich!”

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Dying To Hold A Puppy

| Minneapolis, MN, USA | Bizarre, Family & Kids

(I go into a pet store in a mall with my younger sister, who is probably seven. They have puppies and kittens on display.)

Sister: “Can we hold one of the puppies?”

Employee: *sizing us up, realizing we’re siblings and not parent and child* “I’m sorry, little girl, but we can only let you hold the puppies if your mom is here with you.”

Sister: “OUR MOM IS DEAD!”

(She stomped out of the store, dragging me behind her. Our mom was actually not dead and was just shopping a few stores down.)

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Flea, You Fools!

| PA, USA | Pets & Animals, Popular

Customer: “I need flea medicine.”

Me: “Okay, sir, one second.”

(I grab the key for the flea control case and walk over. I unlock the case.)

Me: “Okay, what do you need?”

Customer: “Flea medicine.”

(I stare blankly at the customer for a moment before gesturing to the case which contains multiple different brands of flea control, all for different sized dogs and cats.)

Me: “Sir, there’s six different brands in here.”

Customer: “Uh….”

Customer’s Wife: “D*****, you can’t do anything yourself!” *to me* “I need a four-pack of [Brand] for an 80-pound dog.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am!”

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