Stupidity Unplugged

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Right | November 10, 2015

(The customer is purchasing an electric heating pad for the bottom of his lizard cage.)

Customer: *holding the plug* “Will this work if I don’t plug it in?”

Shouldn’t Count On A Discount

| Long Island, NY, USA | Right | November 3, 2015

Customer: “[My Name] always gives me a deal on these.”

Me: “I’m [My Name].”

Customer: “Are you sure? Is there another [My Name]?”

Me: “No, I’m the only one. Yes, I’m sure that’s my name.”

Customer: “…So, can I get a discount?”

It Doesn’t Get Betta

| Allentown, PA, USA | Related | October 25, 2015

(We stop at a pet store so one of my sisters can see the cats up for adoption. I’m an avid keeper of fish, so I wander over to the bettas and find a gorgeous double tail with dark, metallic teal scales that I absolutely fall in love with and end up buying. When I return to my family, I find them looking at the goldfish. My family knows nothing of fish and usually come to me when they want advice.)

Sister #1: “Ooh, you got another betta?”

Me: “Yeah, I couldn’t resist. I never saw one that looked like him before and I thought he kind of looks like a dragon, so I had to get him.”

Sister #1: “Oh wow, he does look cool! I don’t think I’ve ever seen one that looks like that either!”

Me: “I figured I’d name him Dragon to theme him with my other betta, Cavalier.”

Sister #2: “I’m getting a fish, too! Dad says I can have a goldfish!”

(I immediately think this is a bad idea because she had two bettas herself already. The first one froze to death because she kept him in an unheated tank in the coldest room in the house in winter and I ended up repossessing and caring for the second one myself because she forgot about him and stopped feeding him.)

Me: “But you don’t even have a tank to keep it in.”

Dad: “We’ve got your old betta tank she can keep it in. That should be big enough right?”

Me: “Dad, I threw that tank out because it was too small to keep a betta in. And no, that’s way too small for a goldfish too.”

Sister #2: “Can I put him in your goldfish tank then?”

Me: “No, because the tank is already at max capacity and I don’t want to crowd them out.”

Sister #2: “Well, can I have your extra tank, then? Nothing’s living in there right now anyway.”

Me: “No. That’s a betta tank and I’m putting Dragon in there.”

Sister #2: “Can’t you just put him in the same tank as Cavalier?”

Me: “Are you crazy? You can’t put two male bettas in the same tank! They’ll kill each other!”

Sister #2: “Okay, then what if we put a divider in it and kept Dragon on one side and my goldfish in the other?”

Me: “Goldfish and bettas can’t live in the same tank together because they have vastly different living requirements and besides, the tank is only big enough for one fish. You’d kill one or both of them by doing that.”

Dad: “Okay, why don’t we just get a new betta tank and a betta instead of a goldfish then since they take up less space.”

Sister #2: “Okay. I guess I’ll take this one then.” *selects the blandest looking female betta I’ve ever seen*

Me: “If you really want a betta tank, I recommend this one. This is the one I have at home for Cavalier.” *I point out a 5 gallon tank* “I wouldn’t go any smaller than that.”

Dad: “Neh, that’s too much hassle to take care of. We’ll just get this one.”

(He picks up one that’s got less volume than a mayonnaise jar and is even smaller than the one I’d thrown out for being too small.)

Me: “Dad, please do not get that one. That is way too small for a betta and it has no plants, caves, or decorations for it to hide in.”

Sister #1: “Yeah, that is pretty small. My betta has more room than that and his tank is still a little smaller than I would like.”

Dad: “They live in puddles in the wild! It will be fine!”

Me: “They also have the ability to move to different puddles in the wild if they need more space! That is definitely way too small for any fish to live in!”

(Despite my pleading, they ended up buying the tiny aquarium for my sister’s fish to live in and then set it up incorrectly before putting the fish in straight tap water that was likely too cold the second they had it put together. Assuming that fish isn’t dead within a week, I have hopes that she’ll quickly grow bored with her too so I can claim her for myself and put her in a more suitable environment.)

Her Own Brand Of Crazy

| Stockholm, Sweden | Working | October 24, 2015

(My fiancé and I are out to buy a certain brand of cat-food, which has been recommended by both our veterinarian and the breeder, for our five-month-old kitten. We’re entering a small pet store and search around for a bit, but fail to find the section with cat food. The shop owner then approaches us.)

Shop Owner: “Hello! Can I help you find anything?”

Me: “Oh, yes, please. We’re looking for the cat food.”

Shop Owner: “It’s right here.” *gestures behind the counter* “Is it for adults or kittens?”

Me: “It’s for kitten… but I notice you don’t have the brand we want, sorry.”

Shop Owner: “…Are you talking about [Brand]?”

Me: “Uh, yeah? Why?”

Shop Owner: *suddenly changing to a more angry tone* “That brand is terrible! Is bad for your kitten! Filled with chemicals and no nutrition!”

Fiancé: “Er… I think we’ll stick to it anyway… The vet thinks it’s good for him.”

(We’re about to leave at this point when the shop owner speaks up again.)

Shop Owner: “Hold on!” *grabs a bag of cat food for kittens and holds it out for us to take* “Here! Free sample! Your kitten will like this better.”

Me: “Thanks… but no thanks. We’re good.”

Shop Owner: “How can you say no to a free sample?! DON’T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR CAT?! THIS IS BETTER FOR IT!”

(Yes, she did indeed begin to scream, so we quickly left the store. It didn’t strike us until later that the pet store and the brand of cat-food she tried to give us had the same name, so she was clearly just trying to promote her own brand.)

Location Dislocation

| NL, Canada | Right | October 23, 2015

(This is also the start of a sale where you can get 25% off a bag of dog food if you present a coupon sent through e-mail and your frequent buyer card. As such, there is a huge line in our tiny store. Another note: we’re the tiniest of three locations in the province. Each location is about 20 minutes away from one another. The customer here is a sweet and patient woman.)

Customer: “Hi, do you have [Brand Food] in the largest bag? I called down earlier and you said you guys had it, but it’s not on the shelf.”

Me: “Hmm, well, I have taken all calls and haven’t received anything for that food. I’ll look, though.”

(I go out back to search, but there is none left. On my way out I ask my coworker but she hasn’t gotten a call about that brand either.)

Me: “Sorry, but we don’t have [Brand Food] in that size bag, but we do have the one size smaller.”

Customer: *suddenly yelling at me and waving her hands around* “EXCUSE ME?! I DROVE ALL OF THE WAY FROM ACROSS TOWN. I called here. You said yes. Manager, NOW!”

Me: *a little taken aback* “She won’t be in until tomorrow morning. I can call another location and see if maybe you called their number by mistake. It happens quite a lot.”

Customer: “NO. I don’t have time. Just give me a larger discount off a smaller bag. That’ll do.”

Me: “No can do. I have no authority over that. The best I can do is make note and you can present your coupon when it is shipped to our store.”

Customer: “I don’t have a coupon. I saw someone as your cash get a discount, so I want one too.”

Me: “…You need a coupon to get that discount. It’ll be easy, just give your e-mail on our webpage.”

Customer: “You’re so rude.”

(Then there is a sudden change in mood, this time to having tears in her eyes.)

Customer: “You know, I drove ALL the way here. Couldn’t you help me out?”

Me: “No. Again, I cannot just give discounts out willy-nilly. You don’t have a coupon. You also have driven directly past two other locations on your way here. This was the LEAST convenient place for you to have gone.”

(I leave without her response, and I call another location to see if they received her call. The one farthest from us, closest to her, had gotten her call and reserved it in her name. I relate this to her.)

Customer: “YOU’RE A LIAR. I CALLED HERE AT 722-****. YOU SAID YES!” *now trying to hit me, but being a boxer, I easily dodge without touching her, avoiding complications* “YOU B****. I AM REPORTING YOU!”

Me: “You called 722?”

Customer: “YES! YOU GUYS ANSWERED. SAID YES. AND NOW YOU’RE LYING TO ME!”

Me: “That’s [Other Location closest to her]. We’re 745.”

(She didn’t give me a goodbye, just started crying and ran out. My manager called me into her office two days later and told me she tried to report me. But since the camera showed that she was the one trying to hit me, and generally throwing a tantrum, they ignored it and I still have a sparkling reputation!)

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