Lunch’s Labours Lost

| CO, USA | Right | July 28, 2016

Lady: “I’m here to see [Coworker #1].”

Me: “[Coworker #1] is on her lunch, unfortunately. [Coworker #2] is here, though, and he’s pretty good with fish as well.”

Lady: “I’m here to see [Coworker #1]! She said she’d be here from 10-6 today!”

Me: “She is working that shift today. She’ll be back from lunch in about 20 or 25 minutes.”

Lady: “It’s always the same story with you people!”

(And then she stormed out. I haven’t figured out what part of taking a lunch is a story yet, but apparently we should all live at work.)

The Purr-fect Diet

| ON, Canada | Working | July 15, 2016

Cashier: *rings me through* “We’re actually having a giveaway today on a new human-grade cat food!” *turns around to load me up with some cans*

Me: “Are those paté?”

Cashier: *turns around with a can in her hand* “No.”

Me: “Then I can’t take them.”

Cashier: *visibly upset for no reason* “What?! Why?!”

Me: “None of my cats would eat it.”

Cashier: “What are you talking about?” *goes into sales pitch about how it uses ingredients so even humans can eat it*

Me: “I still can’t take it.”

Cashier: “Well why not!”

Me: “Because I have one cat that’s on a strict hypoallergenic diet, one cat that just licks all the liquid from the wet food and leaves the rest, one cat that refuses to eat anything that isn’t duck flavored, and one cat that had to have her teeth removed so she can only have paté cat food.”

Cashier: *stares and blinks a little bit* “Oh. Well, this cat food uses ingredients that humans can eat. If we opened up this can we could both eat it.”

Me: *very uninterested* “Cool…”

Cashier: *triumphantly* “Well, your cats don’t know what they’re missing!”

Giving The Store A Voice

| ON, Canada | Working | July 15, 2016

(The phone rings.)

Me: “Hi there, thank you for calling [My Name]. This is [Store] speaking? How may I help you? Wait… no… Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: *laughing* “Don’t worry. This is [Caller] from [Other Location]. You could have said it was Big Bird and it would have been fine!”

Don’t Play Cat And Mouse With The Snake

| USA | Right | June 24, 2016

(I work in a pet store that does not sell live mice for food, only as pets. There’s plenty of other pet stores around us that do sell feeder mice that we send people to if they need feeder mice. We’re strict about this but customers regularly will lie to try and get mice anyway. A customer who’s tried buying our mice for snake food before comes in, this time with a young daughter.)

Customer: “Where are your mice? I wanna buy one for my little girl.”

Me: “I’ll show you them, but this is actually for a pet, right?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s a pet. That’s what you want, right, honey?”

(The customer’s daughter nods. I start to explain their care while I open up the cage so the daughter can hold them and pick out a mouse.)

Me: “Make sure you wash your hands after holding them. We just treated for fleas.”

Customer: “What does that mean?”

Me: “Well, because our area has a big flea problem all our furry animals get flea medication put on them. It’s safe, but you don’t really want it in your mouth.”

Customer: “So, uh… it’s like poison?”

Me: “Yes, but it’s safe.”

Customer: “I don’t want poison in the tank… How long does it take to wear off?”

Me: “Well, we just treated them a few days ago so about a month. I’m sorry, tank?”

Customer: “Yeah, so, I’m just gonna go somewhere else. I can’t believe you’re trying to kill my snake!”

Me: “We’ve told you before we don’t sell them for snake food. You said it was a pet.”

Customer: “Yeah, because if I told you it was for a snake you wouldn’t sell it!”

Me: “Part of why we wouldn’t sell it is because it would kill your snake.”

Customer: “Well, maybe you shouldn’t put poison on them?”

Me: “It’s not a problem when they aren’t being used for snake food.”

Customer: “But what about if people buy them for snake food?”

Me: “Then it’s their fault for lying to us.”

Customer: “But otherwise you won’t sell the d*** mouse!”

(He stormed out with his daughter.)

Sadly You Have To Listen To His Snake Oil

| CA, USA | Right | June 1, 2016

(I work in the back room of a pet shop where we keep the live pets. We have a large display case at the front entrance with several full and well-lit reptile cages, with a sign in the middle that says “more reptiles are located inside.” A man walks up to the cages, examines the reptiles inside them closely, then looks at the sign for a good minute or two. He then walks into the room, past the other reptile and amphibian cages without even noticing them, and approaches me while I am helping another customer with a snake.)

Customer #1: *standing directly in front of a chameleon cage, and cutting me off mid-sentence* “Where are your reptiles?”

Me: “Um…” *gesturing to the wall of tanks* “Well, we have these here, and three rows of cages at the front entrance.”

Customer #1: “BUT WHAT IS IN THEM?!”

Me: “If you look at the bottom left, each habitat is clearly labeled with its resident. See, this one is a tarantula and this here is a milk snake. In the front are various geckos, and here we have turtles and frogs…”

Customer #1: *clearly ignoring me, staring into a cage* “What is this?!”

Me: *gesturing to large tag on the bottom left* “This is an adult male Jackson Chameleon.”

Customer #1: “Well, how big will it get?”

Me: “He’s already an adult. This is his full size.”

Customer #1: “But I want him to get bigger!”

Me: *at this point I am seriously losing patience, and so is my other customer* “They just don’t.”

Customer #1: “I used to have a snake once. I put him in a tank bigger than all those, but because the tank was so big he got too big and I had to give him his own room.”

(He gestures to row of four 55-gallon tanks, implying the tank was over 200 gallons. Considering he seems to have no common sense, seems to know nothing about reptiles, and no beginner snakes would outgrow that tank, I strongly believe he is lying, but I say nothing,)

Customer #1: “He ended up getting so big he ate my cousin’s Labrador! I warned him not to bring the dog over but he didn’t listen. He thought it would be safe but it wasn’t.”

Customer #2: “What kind of snake was it?”

Customer #1: “A ball python!”

(At this point Customer #2 and I were trying really hard to not laugh, because ball pythons are the most common snake in the reptile trade, and barely reach 5 feet long. They could probably eat a rabbit, but DEFINITELY not a large or even medium size dog. The man was a bad liar, because he didn’t even look upset while telling this story. Just excited. And when he finished the tall tale, he just said he would be back for “that lizard,” meaning the chameleon, and walked away. He thankfully never came back.)

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