Tux To Be You!

, , , | Right | June 19, 2018

(I work at a dog grooming shop that also sells cute, cheap outfits for dogs, as well as super fancy, expensive outfits for dogs. This woman walks in and looks around for about a minute, seeming very confused. I put the dog I was grooming away to see if I can be of any assistance.)

Me: “Hello, is there anything I can help you find?”

Woman: “Yes. Do you have any tuxedos?”

Me: “Yes, we do, actually! We have the well-made, but more expensive ones here.” *I hold up a small dog tuxedo* “And we also have the simple tee-shirt, tuxedo-patterned outfit.” *I put the other tuxedo away and hold the cheaper one up*

Woman: “Do you have anything bigger?”

Me: “Unfortunately, the carrier we go through doesn’t have any tuxedos for large dogs.”

Woman: “No, I mean big ones.”

Me: “Um… You mean for a human?”

Woman: “Helloooooo!”

Me: *long pause* “We’re a dog grooming shop.”

(I pointed at the dogs in kennels in the other room, behind the glass window. She looked very baffled for a moment, and then became flustered as she quickly left the store. There used to be a tuxedo store a few doors down, so that might be why she was confused. But the store was filled with dog mannequins wearing outfits.)

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Impossible Requests? Practically Bathing In Them

, , , , , , | Right | May 30, 2018

(I work at a grooming salon. My coworker and I are taking a slight breather before getting to our last dogs of the evening. I’m in the back where the kennels are, getting a jump on the cleaning, and my coworker is up in the actual salon, squaring away our paperwork. She walks into the back with me, and we exchange about three sentences, and then I walk up to the front to adjust my table and make sure all of my tools are organized and ready. As I walk into the salon, I notice a woman who just barely got inside. The door is literally still swinging closed. I smile at her, and she makes a face back at me.)

Customer: “Whew! There you are! I was starting to get worried we were in the wrong place!”

Me: “Well, you found the grooming salon, if that’s what you were looking for.”

Customer: “I was just wondering if you have time to wash my little girl here. She just needs a shampoo and a blow-dry.”

Me: “Oh, I’m so sorry, but we’re completely booked up. Actually, we don’t have any bath appointments until two days from now.”

Customer: “Well, she’s just a little six-pound Yorkie. She’s no trouble at all!”

Me: “She’s so adorable! What a cutie! I’m so sorry that we can’t take her!”

(My coworker walks out with her goldendoodle, who is so huge he puts some ponies to shame.)

Customer: “Well, how long does it take to wash a dog?”

Me: “We usually quote three to four hours, though it could be more or less, depending on how the dog does for everything.”

Customer: “And what time do you close tonight?”

Me: “Six o’clock.”

(It’s currently 4:30.)

Customer: “I don’t want the whole works; I just want a little shampoo and a blow-dry, not even a full bath.”

(I tend to have a rather monotone voice and resting b****-face, so I try to make sure that I smile and sound pleasant. This customer is definitely trying my patience, and it’s really important to me that it does not come out in my face or voice.)

Me: “Yes, a shampoo and a blow-dry is considered a full bath. Again, I am so sorry that we are unable to accommodate you tonight!”

Customer: “It’s just… I’m visiting some friends, and she really needs a bath.”

Me: “Yes, it’s really too bad that I can’t take her. She really is just so cute!”

Customer: “I’ve been to other [Store] branches; I should be in your system.”

Me: “I’m sure you are. All of the [Store] computer systems are connected.”

(We both pause awkwardly, as she is unwilling to leave, and I’m grasping for a polite way to tell her that I have to get back to work.)

Customer: “Well… I guess… if you don’t have time.”

Me: “Yes, I’m really sorry that we don’t, but maybe we can help you out some other time!”

(The customer turns to the door and grasps the handle, and I almost hold my breath in hopes that she’ll leave already.)

Customer: “I’ve already told you that I’m not from around here. DON’T SAY THAT!”

Me: *smiling hugely* “Okay! Y’all have a great night!”

(As soon as the door closes, my coworker and I start cackling like mad.)

Me: “What just happened?”

Coworker: “I don’t know; I’m just glad I came out when I did so that I could witness it!” *imitates customer* “’I already told you I’m not from here. DON’T SAY THAT!’”

Me: “How many times did I tell her no? And somehow I’m the one who didn’t listen?”

(It had actually been a really stressful day, so I was almost a little thankful to the customer for giving my coworker and me something to laugh about while we finished our dogs.)

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Cat Caught Your Tongue, And Shed On It

, , , | Working | June 6, 2017

(I have a rather fluffy cat, so for sanitation purposes I take her into a pet groomer about once a month to get her backside shaved. After one session, I am putting her back in her carrier while the groomer cleans the cat hair off the table, only to have a clump get stuck to her sleeve.)

Groomer: “Is there anything cat hair doesn’t stick to?”

Coworker: “Cats.”

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They’re Dog-Gone Outrageous

| Right | May 22, 2017

(I own a dog salon, so the clients that come in can be rather… interesting, to say the least. This customer however was a beautiful piece of art that I just had to share. A woman calls to ask some questions about our services, get a price, and book an appointment. After speaking with her, I tell her that the service will be $45. She sounds pleased and books an appointment for the following Saturday, our busiest day. Let’s skip to the appointment day: The client shows up five minutes early with the requested shot records in hand so we can verify her dog’s rabies vaccination. Seems good so far.)

Client: “Wait… Why are there other dogs here?”

(I stand there in silence for a moment, a little confused by her question.)

Client: “Hello? Why are there other dogs in here?”

Me: “Well, ma’am, this is a grooming salon, so we have clients drop their dogs off and pick them up when they are finished.”

Client: “I understand that, but I don’t want my dog around other dogs. I thought you only did one dog at a time.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t. I groom one dog at a time, but I have clients drop dogs off throughout the morning so I can stagger baths, drying, and haircuts.”

Client: “Well, I’m going to need to book on a day where you can close the shop and only take my dog.”

Me: *stands there, dumbfounded at this demand*

Client: “Is that an issue? I don’t want her around other dogs. I also need to keep her here until 6:00. I get off of work at 5:30, so it will take me a bit to get out the door and back over here.”

Me: *I take a moment to collect my very confused and shocked brain* “Ma’am, I’m sorry but I can’t do that. I have to take other dogs in order to make money. I also don’t offer day care services. I close at 5 and usually require clients to pick up their dog after the grooming is finished.”

Client: “Well, I can tip. I usually tip $10.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I usually make at least $300 in a day with all the dogs I book and groom. If you would like for me to do this for you, you can pay $400. This will cover all of the appointments I would have to block off and cover the day care service from eight am till six pm.” *I don’t bat an eye while giving my price*

Client: “Are you f***ing kidding me?! You said it would be $45!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but a $45 groom and a $10 tip does not make up for the $300-plus I could be making by taking multiple dogs. May I suggest that you use an at home groomer or maybe a mobile groomer? They don’t offer day care services, but they only take one dog at a time.”

Client: “F**k you!”

Me: “All-righty. Have a good day.”

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The Website Has Been Successfully Vetted

| Right | March 20, 2017

(It is a slow Wednesday at the grooming salon where I work. A car pulls into the parking lot and a woman gets down and pushes the door.)

Customer: “Oh, good. You’re open.”

Me: “Did you have an appointment?”

Customer: “No, but she’s really sick. I don’t know what to do.”

Me: “Oh, well, we’re not a vet, ma’am.”

Customer: “You’re not?”

Me: “No.”

Customer: “But my grandma told me to bring her here. She said you have a vet here.”

Me: “But we don’t.”

Customer: “Well it says on your website that you do!”

Me: “No, we don’t.”

Customer: “Well, it says on your website, so y’all need to change that.”

(I checked the website just in case, even though I already knew it says no such thing, and I was just confused as to where she got this information. I hope her dog was okay because she didn’t seem too bright.)

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