Now, Listen Here, Cupcake!  

, , , , | Right | January 8, 2020

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Grooming Salon]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I need Cupcake!”

Me: “One second, sir, let me see if Cupcake is ready to go home.”

(I look, but there is no Cupcake in the checkout file, the computer system, or the appointment book. Since many people have nicknames for their dogs, I ask for his last name.)

Me: “What is your last name, sir?”

Caller: “It’s [Caller].”

(I recheck but I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Sir, I’m really sorry. Perhaps Cupcake went to a different grooming salon?”

Caller: “NO! I don’t need my dog groomed! I don’t even have a dog! I just know that everyone who grooms is a lady! You belong in the kitchen! Make me a cupcake now!”

Me: “I think that [Grocery Store] sells cupcakes… Have a great day!”

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Not The Dog That’s Stupid  

, , , , | Right | December 9, 2019

(I work at a grooming salon corporation and I try daily to get enough information about different products; that way I can offer help and solutions to customers who are having problems beyond their grooming experience. A customer comes in dragging her dog, an Afghan. She has a harness on her dog and an “animal stretcher,” which is basically a rag with two handles on the short ends, underneath the dog’s belly. The handles and the leash are in the same hand. I have just came out of the back.)

Me: “Hello! What can we do for you?”

Customer: “I’m here for [Coworker].”

(My coworker comes up and begins talking to the woman about the haircut she wants for her dog.)

Customer: “I don’t want him bathed, and I don’t want that stupid slip lead leash around his neck. It’ll snap his neck. And I don’t want him on the table. He pulls so much; you really need to be careful with him.”

Me: “If he pulls a lot, I can suggest a Halty. It just goes around his nose and behind his ears and the leash attaches to this part.”

Customer: “Oh, no, no! He would snap his neck! He would break his neck! He’d slip out of that and get hit by a car! He is too smart for that!”

Me: “Oh, it’s specifically designed to keep dogs from slipping out, and it would be very hard for him to break his neck if used properly.”

Customer:Oh, no! He is so stupid. I mean they are the smartest dogs in the world but they are so stupid!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “He would rather starve than eat anything that he doesn’t like! I only feed him [Fast Food Place known for roast beef sandwiches] and steak! He would rather starve! He is so stupid. I mean, they are so stupid, they can’t even have sex by themselves! That’s why they have breeders!”

Me: *looking at my coworkers* “I’m sorry. I have to leave this planet.”

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Flea, You Fools!

, , , , , | Right | November 30, 2019

(I’m alone in the shop one day when one of the manager’s regular clients comes in and literally throws her chihuahua at me over the desk.)

Customer: “BOBBY HAS FLEAS!”

Me: “Bobby always has fleas, ma’am. You need to have your house treated.”


Me: “He’s just going to get fleas again when you bring him home.”


Me: “They can still get on him when he has the treatment. They’ll just die when they bite him; it doesn’t magically make the fleas disappear from your house.”


Me: *sighing* “You have to fill out the paperwork, ma’am.”

(This was a regular occurrence. I just feel bad for Bobby.)

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, , , , , | Friendly | August 31, 2019

(I am in the waiting room at a local dog groomer. A lady walks in and her eyes light up.)

Lady: Oh, wowww! Your dog is huge! What kind of dog is he?!”

Me: She is a Great Dane.”

Lady: “Oh! Is that like the dog on the Greyhound buses?”

Me: “No, that would be a greyhound.”

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Burn A Hole In Your Wallet, Not Your Dog  

, , , , | Right | August 7, 2019

(I work in a dog grooming salon where the prices for haircuts are based on the breed of dog. A woman enters while I am standing at the computer.)

Me: “Hi there! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I’ve never been here before, but I have two Lhasa Apsos who need grooming and I was wondering what you would charge.”

Me: “Sure! Just let me check that price for you.”

(I open up our breed list and start looking up the price.)

Customer: “Yeah, I used to take them to this other groomer, but three times now they’ve injured my male dog. Twice they cut his scrotum, and another time they burned it with the clippers!”

(For reference, electric clippers heat up if used for too long without changing the blade.)

Me: “Oh, no! I’m sorry to hear that. That should never happen at all, let alone three different times!”

Customer: “I know. I wasn’t very happy with their service.”

Me: “Well, I can’t say I blame you. I’ve found the price here for you. So, for our full groom package, which includes the bath, blow dry, brush out, ear cleaning, nail trimming, and the full-body haircut, it would be $62 before tax.”

Customer: “Wow! Really? That’s pretty pricey! The last place used to do it for $35. Why so expensive?”

(It was incredibly difficult to resist asking her how many more times they would have to injure her dog’s scrotum — or any other body part! — before she would start to understand why their prices were so cheap! She didn’t book an appointment.)

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