(I work in a chain bakery within a shopping centre. We are across from a supermarket and throughout the day a sales associate goes on “tastings,” essentially just standing in front of the shopfront offering free samples to people walking past. I am out on tastings when I am approached by an older man. I am eighteen and fresh out of high school.)

Random Guy: “Well, I suppose I’d better take one, then.”

Me: “Here you go, enjoy!”

Random Guy: “Hey, why did the baker go out of business? Because he ran out of dough!”

(Cue awkward laughter and a polite customer service smile.)

Random Guy: “Hey, can I buy you a drink?”

(This catches me totally off guard as this has never happened before, and I have no idea how to respond, so I just try to be polite.)

Me: *laughs* “No, thanks. I’ve got to do my work.”

Random Guy: “Don’t worry, I’ll get you a drink.”

(The dude walked away and I thought he was leaving, but he was back ten minutes later with what looked like a bottle of wine; it was a non-alcoholic drink from the supermarket next door. He gave it to me and I just thanked him and ran back inside as quickly as possible. I’m still not sure if he was a creep or just trying to be nice.)

While at university, I was a member of the Science Fiction Association. We shared a lot of membership with both the D&D club and, importantly, with the University Regiment. This meant that a lot of us learned a great deal about self-defense by osmosis.

Dial forward twenty years. I’m a teacher at a girls’ school, and our principal decided to have a guest lecturer to talk about assertiveness and self-defense. As part of it, we were asked to describe how we might react to someone trying to steal our money while making a withdrawal from an ATM. I’m sure that they were expecting “run” or perhaps punch with keys interlaced with fingers and other similar responses.

However, by coincidence, one of the staff at the school was also a female friend from uni who’d been a member of the Science Fiction Association. Our natural reaction was to start describing all the ways that one could disable or kill an attacker. I mentioned punching in the throat to crush the larynx, she talked about a palm strike to the nose to drive the bones up into the brain, I followed up with… well, you get the idea.

As we did so, we gradually noticed that the other staff were backing away from us.  

We got a lot of odd reactions for years afterward, and the principal never brought up self-defense again.

(I’m cleaning up after a cat incident, letting out harsh, barking coughs every few seconds. After a few minutes of this, my housemate sticks her head out her door in concern.)

Housemate: “You okay? What happened?”

Me: “[Cat] caught a bird. It wasn’t hurt, so I let it go outside, but it lost a lot of feathers.”

Housemate: “Aren’t you allergic to feathers?”

Me: “EXTREMELY.”

(In high school, when I sneeze I sometimes sound like I am yelling, or doing a “scream sneeze” as my English teacher calls them. Because the school only consists of six large classrooms, I can be heard quite well through the school. One day, I sneeze while in Science.)

Me: “Excuse me.” 

Student: *from two classrooms room away* “SHUT UP, [MY NAME]!”

(I’m working the refunds desk when a very chipper woman comes to the counter.)

Me: “Hello. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: *with a huge smile* “Hi there. I bought this shirt here yesterday but I need to return it.” *hands me the receipt*

Me: “All righty, no problem. May I ask what was wrong with it?”

Customer: “It was a couple of sizes too big. Can I get an exchange for a smaller size? God, I haven’t been able to say that in ten years. I’m so freaking happy right now.”

Me: “Excellent. Congrats on that. Absolutely you can; just bring it to the other side of the desk when you have it.”

Customer: “Thanks so much. Today is an awesome freaking day!”

(I have seen her often over the years. She doesn’t shop in plus-size anymore, and the last time I saw her she was wearing an engagement ring.)