(I’m visiting my friend in hospital. His room is a four-bed ward and has a view into the football oval where one of the local teams has practice.)

Me: “Hey, man, you got a cool view. You can watch the local team practice.”

Friend: “Pfft, footy is a p***y’s game.”

(A voice pipes up from the bed across from my friend.)

Other Patient: “Hey, kid, watch your tongue. Some people like footy.”

(I laugh and turn around to see who’s talking. I get a fright when I see the guy in the bed across from my friend, a massive bloke covered in tattoos and with a broken leg, glaring at us.)

Friend: “Yeah, whatever. It’s still a p***y’s game. Are you going to make me shut up? You can’t walk.”

Other Patient: “True, but I can hop.”

(Just as I’m starting to get scared that my friend is going to be thrown out the window or something, the big guy and my friend start laughing.)

Other Patient: *to me* “Hey, love, you can relax. We’ve been taking the piss out of each other for days.”

(We got chatting and he turned out to be a really nice, not so scary guy.)

This story is part of our Making Friends roundup!

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Me: “What salad would you like?”

Customer: “Lettuce, cucumber, capsicum, Filipino–”

Me: *laughing* “Did you mean jalapeño?”

(The prepaid phones we sell are displayed on a wall, with their price printed next to each phone.)

Customer: “Hey mate, how much is that phone there?”

Me: *glancing at pricing card* “One hundred fifty-nine dollars.”

Customer: “Can you do it for one sixty?”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: *looks at me expectantly*

Me: “Sure, why not?” 

(I’m a checkout assistant at a supermarket, working the night of Halloween. A teenager and his girlfriend come to the checkout at about eight pm with three dozen eggs.)

Me: “You’re not the ones who have been egging people in the carpark, are you?”

Customer: “Uh, no. We, um, just want to make an omelette.”

Me: “You’re making a thirty-six egg omelette? How big is your frying pan?”

Customer: “S***.” *runs out of the store*

This story is part of our Customers Caught Lying roundup!

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(A guest is checking in.)

Guest: “And would it be okay if I bring a prostitute to the room later?”

Me: *startled* “Uh. Well. I guess if no other guests are in any way disturbed or affected.”

Guest: “Well, that’s terrific. She’ll be coming by at about 8:30 pm. But if she looks ugly, just send her back without giving her my room number.”