A customer’s card has been declined, and instead of using another card or checking with the bank, the customer has decided it’s my fault.

Customer: “You’re doing something wrong because I know I have money in there! Stop f****** around!”

Me: “Sir, please don’t use that language. If the card is declined, then that’s between your bank and you. Nothing I can do can change that.”

Customer: “Then get your manager, as I know you’re the one doing this!”

I happily call my manager over.

Customer: *To my manager.* “You need to hire better cashiers! I have money on this card, and this idiot keeps declining it!”

Manager: “That’s… not something that any cashier can do, sir. If it’s declined, then that’s up to your bank.”

Customer: “Get me a more competent cashier to run my card!”

Manager: “[My Name] is the most competent cashier in the store.”

Customer: “Incompetent, you mean! You’re two letters short of reality.”

Manager: “And you’re​ two letters short of an asset, of which [My Name] is to this store. You are just a liability, so please find another way to pay for your stuff, or leave.”

What a difference having an awesome manager makes to a workplace!

I am eating at a drive-in diner with a name shared by blue hedgehog. They have a walk-up counter for those not in cars. I’m sitting by my car, eating my food, when I see a boy of around twelve or thirteen approach the woman working there, who looks to be late teens or early twenties.

Employee: “Hi, what can I get you?”

Boy: “Your phone number.”

Employee: “Why, do you need a babysitter?”

I was suddenly made aware of the group the boy was with, as they screamed a series of “ooooohs!” and “burn!” from where they were standing a few feet back.

The boy slunk back to his friends, and the employee took the next customer’s order as if it were nothing.

A lone customer walks in on a busy Friday night.

Customer: “Table for six people.”

Me: “Do you have a reservation?”

I know they don’t. We have no six-top reservations tonight, but I’m asking anyway to make it clear to them that they SHOULD have.

Customer: *Scoffs.* “No.”

Me: “There’s going to be about a half-hour wait. Please let me know your name and numb—”

Customer: “I’m not waiting half a f****** hour! We’re hungry!”

Me: “Sir, we don’t have any spare tables for six people at the moment.”

Customer: *Points.* “What about that one?!”

Me: “That one is reserved for eight people who will be arriving in a few minutes.”

Customer: *Points.* “Fine, what about that one?!”

Me: “That one can only seat four.”

Customer: “We’re hungry! We can squeeze in, and you can just give us a discount to make up for it or something.”

Me: “Sir, I can’t do that. If you want six people to dine in with us tonight, it’s going to be a half-hour wait.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to.”

Me: “That’s unfortunate.”

Customer: “That’s all you have to say to me?”

Me: “I could also give you directions to the nearest McDonald’s? I don’t think they have a wait.”

Customer: “Talking to customers like that is how you lose them!”

Me: “We have waitlists for our tables; I think we’re doing just fine. So, shall I put your name down for a table for six, or will it be Big Macs and Happy Meals this evening?”

The customer’s wife walked in at that moment, asked what was going on, and when told:

Customer’s Wife: “Half an hour? On a Friday? For six? That’s really good! We’ll take that, please!”

She waited happily while her idiot husband turned redder with the arrival of each member of their party, all being pleasantly surprised by the “so short!” wait time. 

Their table was actually ready in twenty minutes, and the customer could only look at the floor when I personally escorted them to their table.

I work at a Chinese buffet. We have a guy who comes in alone, pretty often. Every single time he comes in:

Customer: “Hey! You should smile!”

Or:

Customer: “Why aren’t you smiling? You should be more smiley!”

Today I sat him, got him his drink, and as I was walking away, he loudly said calm down, and everyone in my section turned and looked. It was really embarrassing. 

Then, toward the end of his meal, he waved me over, held out a $10 bill, and said:

Customer: “Smile for me.”

Me: “I’m good. Enjoy the rest of your meal.”

Customer: “C’mon. Smile for me. I know you need this $10.”

Me: “It could be $100, and I still wouldn’t do it because I’m not gonna dance like a monkey for you. Enjoy… your… meal.”

Customer: “Am I gonna have to get your manager and let them know you’re disrespecting me?”

I point to the terrifying-looking Chinese auntie standing in the corner. For anyone who knows, she looks like the angry smoking lady from the movie ‘Kung Fu Hustle’ (minus the cigarette, of course).

Me: “That’s her. Please let her know you asked one of her girls to smile for money.”

He looks over at scary auntie, then back at me, and then puts the bill back in his wallet.

Customer: “Fine, look miserable and be miserable.”

Me: “I will smile for free, sir, when you leave.”

He was about to complain again, but I looked over to the angry auntie, and he silenced himself again and finished his plate(s) in angry silence.

I’m in the lobby of a lodge at Fort Baker, the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge. My coworker is working night audit, and I’m getting ready to head home to sleep. A guest calls the front desk, and my coworker answers:

Guest: “You need to turn off the fog horns! It’s disturbing my sleep!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, you do realize the fog horns are there as a safety feature, to warn ships of potentially life-threatening hazards?”

Guest: “And? What of it?”

Coworker: “Oh, I’m just checking how to file your request as the two options are extremely entitled, or just plain stupid, and it looks like we’re going with the former.”

I laughed at my coworker’s response, but I also got worried for him. I went home and came back to work the next day.

Me: “Where’s [Coworker]?”

Manager: “He quit! He finished his shift last night and said ‘adios’!”

Me: “Ah… so that’s why.”

Manager: “Why what?”

Me: “…Nothing.”

If the guest didn’t complain and the manager didn’t know, I didn’t want to say anything, but it must have been a fun shift for [Coworker] finally being able to speak his mind without consequences!