I used to work in a dollar store where everything really did cost one dollar.

Customer: “How much is this?”

Coworker: “Two dollars.”

Customer: “I thought everything here cost a dollar.”

Coworker: “Then why did you feel the need to ask?”

Customer: “I… I don’t know. Why did you say two dollars if it’s only one?”

Coworker: “If you have to ask how much something costs in a dollar store, I’ll tell you two dollars, so that way when I say, “If I had a dollar for every time someone asked how much something cost” I’d actually be getting one.”

Customer: “I don’t follow.”

Coworker: “I’m not surprised.”

Boss: “Hey, I saw you put in your notice.”

Me: “That’s right.”

Boss: “But why would you leave? You’ve been here for five years!”

Me: “Five years without a raise.”

Boss: “That’s not true. You got a raise last year.”

Me: “Everyone did; it was an inflation-based raise. I haven’t received a performance-based raise despite overshooting my targets five years in a row.”

Boss: “The job market is tough out there. Do you really want to risk it?”

Me: “Already got one lined up. They’re paying 30% more.”

Boss: “Give us 48 hours. We might be able to match it.”

Me: “So the money was there the whole time. It just wasn’t for me until I threatened to leave?”

Boss: “No, it’s more complicated than that.”

Me: “Okay, then let’s keep it simple. They’re offering me 30% more. If you offer me 30% more on top of that, I’ll stay.”

Boss: “…”

Me: “That’s what I thought. My last day is next week. You’ll be invited to the pizza party; we all know how much you managers love those…”

Customer: “So, about my steak and side?”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Can I get another steak instead of the side?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because steak is a lot more expensive than mac n cheese.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because it costs a lot more to grow a cow than it does to make mac n cheese.”

Customer: “Why?”

Alright, I got one of those “why” customers; time to nip this in the bud.

Me: “Because the macaroni trees gave abundant harvests this year, so the mac n cheese is very affordable.”

Customer: “Alright, fine, but my steak better be fat and juicy!”

The customer ended up eating all their mac n cheese and only ate half their steak, claiming they were too full to finish it.

I’m in the final hour of a long shift when my manager walks over to me with a look I know all too well.

Me: “No, no, no…” 

Manager: “I need you to stay another hour.”

Me: “No, I’m tired.” 

Manager: “We all are, but [Coworker] is running late and you need to cover.”

I figure it’s not worth arguing, so I stay the extra hour.

The next day, the manager calls my attention to the schedule. 

Me: “You put me on Friday morning. I told you I can’t do Friday mornings; I have class.”

Manager: “We need you all to be flexible because the schedule can change. See you Friday morning.”

That was on Wednesday. The next day, my mom calls me and tells me she’s having a minor medical emergency (nothing too crazy; she ended up being fine), so I had to drive over and then take her to the hospital. I call my manager on my way to pick up my boss.

Me: “I can’t make it in today. Likely won’t be able to come in tomorrow morning either.” 

Manager: “That’s not acceptable, you’re on the schedule—”

Me: “—I need you to be flexible because the schedule can change. Call you later.”

I didn’t care if I got fired (and I didn’t because I’m a reliable worker in a badly managed store with crazy staff turnover), but it sure did feel good to use his own words against him.

The restaurant where I’m dining with my wife is busy, and the tables are close together, so it’s very easy to overhear all kinds of conversations. 

An older woman has been glaring at the table next to her, and finally she feels compelled to shout at the older gentleman sitting there.

Older Woman: “You should be ashamed!”

Older Man: “Excuse me?”

Older Woman: *Pointing to his dining companion.* “She’s young enough to be your daughter!”

Older Man: “I would hope so, considering she IS my daughter.”

The older woman huffs and stutters for a moment before saying:

Older Woman: “Well, I didn’t know.”

Older Man: “Yet you still felt compelled to say something.”

She huffs again but goes back to her own meal.

Older Man: “Anyway, I hope you and your father enjoy your meal.”

Older Woman: “That’s my husband!”

Older Man: *Smiles maniacally.*