(A guy and his wife came into my store to ask about Wiis. The conversation went as follows…)

Man: “Where do you keep your Wiis at?”

Me: “We don’t have any in stock right now.”

Man: “When you gettin’ some?”

Me: “No idea, man. They just ship them to us… We are getting them about once a week, but there’s no set date or anything like that.”

Man: “Uh-huh… so you know the date but you aren’t allowed to tell us.”

Me: “No… I don’t know the date.”

Man’s Wife: “They play it off like it’s a big secret!”

(They leave and the man comes back about 25 minutes later, this time without his wife. He has this giant smile on his face and approaches me next to the counter.)

Man: “Hey, buddy, if you let me know when one of those Wiis comes in, I’ll give you twenty dollars.”

Me: *in a very childlike excited tone* “Twenty dollars?! Really, mister? That will totally cover all my bills and rent and anything else I need but can’t afford because I’ve lost my job!”

Man: “Everybody is a godd**n smarta**…”

This story is part of our Video Games Roundup!

Read the next Video Games Roundup story!

Read the Video Games Roundup!

(I was working at an unusually small location for an otherwise large pet store chain. Because of our size, we needed to store large heavy items like aquariums on the top shelves. On this particular night, we were shorthanded and I was one of only two people working.)

Customer: “I need a 55-gallon aquarium.”

Me: “Just a moment, I will need to call my coworker back here to help me get it down.”

Customer: “Okay, well, I’m in a hurry.”

(At this point, I call my coworker, and he says he will be back as soon as he has cleared the line that has formed at his register.)

Me: “It will be just a few minutes before he can come back and help me.”

Customer: “I’m in a hurry; I really need it now!”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but that is a heavy item, and I will not be able to get it down on my own.”

Customer: “Like h*** you won’t! I said get it for me now! The customer is always right!”

(This repeats for several minutes before I finally decide I’ve had enough. I go get a ladder and attempt to get the aquarium down. Predictably, I cannot hold it, and the thing falls and shatters to pieces all over the floor. The guy stands there dumbfounded, not quite understanding what just happened.)

Me: “As you said, the customer is always right! There you are sir, enjoy your new aquarium.”

This story is part of our They Said The Thing roundup!

Read the next They Said The Thing roundup story!

Read the They Said The Thing roundup!

(I work at this little burger joint in Seattle. I’m white, but I’m bilingual. Our grill workers all speak primarily Spanish, so I talk to customers in English and call back orders in Spanish.)

Old Man Customer: “Now, what is a pretty young thing like you doing speaking the Dirty Man’s Language?”

Me: “Excuse me, sir?”

Old Man Customer: “You should be speaking English! It’s only natural, here in America!”

Me: “It’s just fastest, sir. The language communicates more efficiently in an environment like this.”

(I am not about to tell him that the grill workers are mostly South American immigrants, after hearing his first reaction.)

Old Man Customer: “Have some pride in your country! SPEAK ENGLISH when you call back my order, do you understand?”

Me: *knowing full well that his order won’t actually come through if I did that* “I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid it’s procedure.”

Old Man Customer: “I want to speak with your manager! This restaurant is just UNAMERICAN!”

Manager: *who had been working the register next to me* “Si, señor?”

Old Man Customer: *storms out*

This story is part of our Confused-With-Spanish roundup!

Read the next Confused-With-Spanish roundup story!

Read the Confused-With-Spanish roundup!

(A teacher calls me to her classroom. She is trying to project an image on a screen behind a student for a TV camera shot with the projector at eye level in front of the student.)

Teacher: “There is a shadow behind the student now. How can I get rid of that?”

Me: “You can’t. He is blocking the light from the projector from getting to the screen. You could put the projector behind the student, but the image would be smaller on the screen.”

Teacher: “Then what can we do?”

(I get the idea of holding a piece of paper over part of the lens of the projector to create a square area where the student stands where no light would shine. This gives the shadow a bit neater of a shape rather than a human shape.)

Me: “Here, hold this paper over the left side of the lens where the student is standing.”

(The teacher puts a piece of paper RIGHT IN FRONT of the students face.)

Me: “No, right by the lens so a square unlit area will be where the student is standing.”

(The teacher moves the piece of paper and puts it directly BEHIND the students head.)

Me: “No, here…”

(I put the piece of paper in front of the projector lens, leaving a nice square dark area on the screen where the student would stand.)

Teacher: “Well now there is a square there! There is no image directly behind the student, just around the student!”

Me: “Yeah, I know. There is nothing you can do about that, though. It’s the physics of light.”

Teacher: “What if I ask your boss? Think he could do it?”

Me: “No, he cannot bend light around objects.”

Teacher: “Why not?”

Me: “Because he’s not a black hole.”

(I was working in the seasonal section of a large bulk retail chain. It was Christmas time and we sold large sets of decorative houses with lights in them.)

Customer: “Hi, I would like to purchase one of these…” *points to a house set* “…but there aren’t anymore underneath it. Where are the others stored?””

(I use my price gun to check the quantities of said item.)

Me: “I’m sorry, it appears we are sold out.”

Customer: “Well, then, I’ll just take this one.” *points to the display unit*

Me: “Oh, that’s just a display unit. That one isn’t for sale.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “This is one of those specific items that we are given a temporary display unit from the vendor that we have to send back at the end of the season.”

Customer: “So why can’t I buy it?”

Me: “Well, it’s not ours to sell. It is rented from the people who made the set.”

Customer: “I don’t understand why I can’t buy it!”

Me: “It does not belong to us. We cannot sell what does not belong to us.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “What kind of car do you drive?”

Customer: “A 2000 Focus. Why?”

Me: *to a passing customer* “Sir, would you like to buy a 2000 Focus?”

Customer: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Selling your car.”

Customer: “Why? It’s MY car!”

Me: “Well, I didn’t think ownership made a difference to you.”

(She then stormed off to talk to a manager who told her I would be taken care of. He then proceeded to buy me a piece of pizza for making his day.)

This story is part of the Christmas Day roundup!

Read the next Christmas Day roundup story!

Read the Christmas Day roundup!